Saudis Should Learn Not to Give any Mind to Fake Pakistani Patriots

Once again, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman (MBS) has summoned his security advisors Dabae Aldhiyb and Jihaz Thaelab to meet him on his super yacht, Serene.

Both advisors trained at Erik Prince’s Academi, the security company formerly called Blackwater USA… who is brother of U.S. Education Secretary Betsy DeVos.

The prince is visibly angered after learning that while Netflix took down offending episode of “Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj” in Saudi Arabia but people were able to watch it on YouTube.

The prince growls, “Dabae and Jihaz did you see what these double-crossing Netflix people did? They only blocked it in our kingdom! They even did not block it on YouTube. I need to remind them that they are… I mean teach this Pakistani or Indian or whatever… this Hasan [Minhaj] is that no one can say word against me.”

Aldhiyb submits, “Your Royal Highness, indeed what Netflix has done is terrible. But why did they hire this TCN [third country national]… couldn’t they find any Americans!

“Your Royal Highness, we should invite these Netflix people to show them how we handle these TCNs. Our labor housing is the best for these no good people.”

Thaelab offers, “Your Royal Highness, I would venture to propose that His Excellency Abdullah Alswaha [minister of communication and information technology] should ask the Americans to extradite this Pakistani… this pest who is calling himself an American… so we can try him under our cybercrime law. Doesn’t this pest know where is [human rights defender] Mohammed al-Otaibi… resting in jail for 14 years!

“Did you see the tweet this little Pakistani was doing that ‘Clearly, the best way to stop people from watching something is to ban it, make it trend online, and then leave it up on YouTube.’”

MBS, bangs the table hard, and whispers, “I wish our dearest Abu Ivanka [President Trump] was in a better situation. What asking him… he would have shipped this little pest to Riyadh even without my asking.

“Both of you have trained with my brother Erik [Prince] and you know America. You know what reports we are getting that Abu Ivanka’s supporters are saying that they have no idea who this person is or have even heard of his show. They are even calling people who want to close their Netflix account with their outrage a bunch of snowflakes.

“You know we are moving in the right direction over this Jamal [Khashoggi] thing.

The trial will get the 11 people involved in the project out of the way… heads gone!

“And our multibillion dollar arms order is doing the talking. God bless, our Abu Ivanka has shut up his own CIA… his own party’s senators, and everyone.

“We need to get Netflix to learn… when we asked them to drop it, they should have killed that episode instead of this partial thing. I am going to double the royalty that they are getting from us. That is surely going to put their heads in the right place.

“Everything is going smoothly. Now Dabae and Jihaz we need to get this little Pakistani off the map… he did not exist! He can do his act in hell!”

Aldhiyb speaks, “Your Royal Highness, as you have seen our consulate in Istanbul has mastered this art… Jamal is not even hot air!”

MBS, finally a smile on his face, asks, “Dabae, you are saying we give him the Jamal treatment… may be a barbecue for this pest. Why waste any acid on him.”

Aldhiyb speaks again, “Your Royal Highness, I am saying that our Istanbul consulate has done it and they know how to do things.”

Thaelab offers, “Your Royal Highness, my brother Dabae has the right idea. But I fear that this little Pakistani or whatever he is may balk at the idea of visiting our consulate in Istanbul.

“Your Royal Highness, I would humbly suggest we use our resources. We can ask our Association for the Protection and Defense of Women’s Rights to invite this man’s mother for umrah…”

MBS intervenes, “What! Really we reward this pest’s mother with a royal umrah trip!”

Thaelab continues, “Your Royal Highness, I have a plan… you know when his mother will go our consulate for visa. They will say that she needs a blood relation male to accompany her… of course her son, this pest! So now when we have him in our kingdom, we can do so many things. I would suggest that we make excellent arrangement for both, the son and the mother.

“Your Royal Highness and my brother Dabae, just envision it…

“We will have a contingent of men there and at the word go, they will cause an accident and you will see that both mother and son will be gone in a couple minutes… say thirty minutes… crushed under the weight of one hundred men. A historic stampede it will be!”

MBS, finally relaxed, lifts his qahwa and getting up from his seat, adds, “The Saudis will get to know that they should give no mind to fake Pakistani patriots.”

The Ideally Suited House of Saud … err … the House of Salman

Muhammad bin Salmān, the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, who also serves as First Deputy Prime Minister, President of the Council for Economic and Development Affairs and Minister of Defense – MBS to some, is meeting with his father King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, who is also the Prime Minister, and is designated as the Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques at the Erga Palace in Riyadh.

“O Father, a few minutes ago, I was on the phone with my brother Jared Kushner … the son-in-law of President Trump Abu Ivanka.

“We had a very interesting discussion about our region and the exalted role our kingdom … the House Saud … rather the House of Salman has to play in the layout of things favored by their policymakers,” informed MBS.

“O my son, O Mohammad, what is the thing about ‘policymakers’? I don’t get it. Isn’t Abu Ivanka the president of the United States, so doesn’t he make the policy? Do we have any policymakers? Whatever we say, and even think is the policy!” stressed the king.

“Yes my father, I know that it is the ruler who has the absolute power but I guess it is their system to have some policymakers. When I was in America, I used to hear about the passing the buck … probably in their system, the policymakers come in handy when passing the buck.

“But I was talking about my discussion with my brother Jared. He told me about the great concept favored by the celebrated American statesman, Henry Kissinger called ‘salami tactics’. Let me tell you though this salami tactics has nothing to do with our greetings of Assalamu alaykum – nothing about peace. This salami tactics takes its name from a meat preparation that has thin slices.

“When my brother mentioned about this tactic, I told him that this blessing was cast upon us by Lawrence of Arabia … oh, by the way, I found that his full name was Colonel Thomas Edward Lawrence. He cut up our region into small pieces like the salami slices so we have many royal families … many rulers, like our House of Saud … er, I mean the House of Salman.

“Upon hearing this, my brother Jared said that it is good that I am familiar with this policy of salami tactics. I said yes, this is why your father-in-law Abu Ivanka is able to sell beautiful American weapons to so many countries in the region.

“I told my brother Jared that we, the House of Saud … err, I mean House of Salman, our doing our bit. We continue our war in Yemen … we continue our blockade of Qatar … we are supporting the squeeze and starving of the Palestinians.

“I also told my brother Jared about the good work being done by my brother Sheikh Mohammed bin Zayed bin Sultan Al-Nahyan, the Crown Prince of Abu Dhabi, who is also the deputy Supreme Commander of the UAE’s Armed Forces.

“God bless him, he was very appreciative of his work in the region, especially how United Arab Emirates and Saudi Arabia have been solidified our political, economic and military activities in the region over the last two years. Then there is the excellent Emirati pursuit of controlling certain strategic ports in the Horn of Africa, particularly in Somalia and Djibouti. My brother bin Zayed is also seeking new military bases in the semi-autonomous regions of Somalia, which are Somaliland and Puntland, and in the port city of Assab in Eritrea.

“Somalia, a you know tried to act like a big boy and refused my brother bin Zayed’s request to support our political blockade of Qatar. Not only that, Somalia seized a aircraft of my brother bin Zayed that was taking $10 million for the forces in Somaliland and Puntland … our influence in these two places is much needed to keep Somalia in its place. My brother bin Zayed retaliated immediately and closed the Sheikh Zayed hospital, which was built in Somalia to provide free medical care for low-income citizens there.

My brother bin Zayed has successfully seen off Qatari interest in Socotra, the strategic Yemeni island, by sending aid there after a hurricane and then construction companies, which are there to build an Emirati version of Diego Garcia, the Indian Ocean atoll where America has a large military base.

“I told my brother Jared that like me, my brother bin Zayed is equally efficient. For example when Djibouti tried to act smart and its President Ismail Omar Guelleh announced his decision to proceed with the unilateral and immediate termination of the concession contract awarded to UAE’s DP World, he told him that UAE would send Djibouti back to the conditions in which it existed before 2005.

“God be praised, after hearing all this, my brother Jared told me that for the United States the House of Saud … err … the House of Salman is ideally suited. O my Father, may God bless you with long life and may your seed prevail forever. May the House of Salman continue to prosper from the salami operations conducted by our blessed benefactor Colonel T.E. Lawrence.”

Only that Pleases our Masters

King Salman bin Abdulaziz, the Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques, is meeting with his sons, Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman and Prince Khalid Bin Salman, the Saudi ambassador to the U.S, and his nephew, the Saudi ambassador to Britain, Prince Mohammed bin Nawwaf bin Abdulaziz.

The three laud their father and uncle over issuing the decree to establish an authority to scrutinize the uses of the “hadith” — accounts of the sayings, actions or habits of the Prophet Muhammad (salla Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam).

The King Salman Center in Madinah will monitor interpretations of the hadith to prevent them being used to justify violence, or terrorism, or extremism.
The decree said that the body’s aim would be to “eliminate fake and extremist texts and any texts that contradict the teachings of Islam and justify the committing of crimes, murders and terrorist acts.”
According to the decree, the Council of Senior Scholars drawn from around the world will oversee the body, which will be based in Madinah.

The body would create a solid “scientific reference” to vet and verify the authenticity of hadiths.
The decree said body would be chaired by Sheikh Mohammed bin Hassan Al-Sheikh, a member of the Council of Senior Scholars, which serves as Saudi Arabia’s highest religious body.

Princes Khalid and Mohammad Bin Nawwaf speak out in unison that the nation aims is to please their benefactors, the United States and Britain. Therefore, the Council of Senior Scholars must include a representative of the United States Department of State and the British Foreign Office.

“We need to have on-going vetting by these two offices to prove our sincerity. Without that it would be a hollow exercise, as we won’t get instant accolades from Washington and London,” toned Prince Khalid.

“Indeed, my respected Uncle, I totally agree with Khalid that Washington and London matter and the Council of Senior Scholars can only gain recognition when we have their representatives on board,” added Mohammad Bin Nawwaf.

“Masha Allah … may God bless for your wisdom, I will get this added to my decree forthwith,” declared the King.

Crown Prince Mohammad offering his advice said that we should start by vetting crucial hadith … the vetting of the ones, which would elicit appreciation.

“In my list the first one is that is narrated on the authority Ibn ‘Umar and cited by Abu Dawood (3674) and Ibn Majah (3380) that The Messenger of Allah said: ‘Allah has cursed alcohol, the one who drinks it, the one who pours it, the one who sells it, the one who buys it, the one who squeezes (the grapes etc.), the one for whom it is squeezed, the one who carries it and the one to whom it is carried’.

“You will agree that it is just too far reaching. I mean one can’t own a hotel because they need bars … and of course our Saudia can’t serve drinks on board.”

Khalid interrupts, “And Emirates in serving drinks on board … Jordan and what not! Why us … why Saudia!”

“O Dear Father, if we start with this hadith, we can please so many countries and win their support. Think, especially your friend Abu Ivanka, President Trump who is always desirous of creating jobs in America. Not only Saudia will buy all the beers, wines and whiskies but also our stores will import and sell it,” said the Crown Prince.

He added, “With Saudia getting more passengers, we will not need to give it subsidies that we are giving now! All these savings can be better used by our royal family.”

“Well spoken, Mohammad. This will help us support Theresa May to stay as Prime Minister of Great Britain as she too needs to have jobs for her people. With all our imports of scotch whiskey, she can silence the Scottish breakaway movement. Of course, we don’t want that socialist Jeremy Corbyn as the head of government there,” said Mohammad Bin Nawwaf.

The Crown Prince continued, “Now there is another hadith Narrated by Abu Dawood that needs quick vetting. It says ‘Aa’ishah (radi Allahu ‘anh) said: The riders used to pass by us when we were with the Messenger of Allah in ihraam. When they came near us we would lower our jilbabs from our heads over our faces, and when they had passed by we would uncover our faces.

“We all know that it is such hadith that are holding our women from showing their faces in public. This needs to go. Once again, both Abu Ivanka and Mrs. May would be most pleased because being able to bare their faces, Saudis women would be buy huge amounts of make up, keeping American, British, and European factories busy.

“Another hadith of the quick vetting list is that the Prophet reportedly said, ‘Whoever wears a cloak in this world, Allah will verily cloth him/her with a similar garment on the Day of Resurrection’. Now this is being used against Muslim women wearing bikinis and in many cases the exquisite haute couture gowns that invariably show much skin.

“Certainly both Abu Ivanka and Mrs. Theresa May would like to see the back of it. It is holding back our women from wearing great American, British and European fashions.

“Our women, free to wear bikinis, will enjoy taking vacations the United States, Britain and Europe. All this means more jobs there.”

Prince Khalid offers his wisdom, “O Father, we urgently need to redesign our flag. Right now our flag proclaims: La Ilaha Illa-llahu Muhammadur-Rasoolu-llah. Do you note the problem with it that I note? It binds the Muslim to the article of faith that there is none worthy of worship except Allah and Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah. It challenges our authority as rulers.

“We can’t alter the thinking of our people with this creed! We need a new flag. I would suggest having a rainbow colored flag with an oil derrick in the center. It will convey that yes we have the oil and we are open to all idea.”

The Crown Prince and Mohammed bin Nawwaf say together, “Masha Allah, Khalid has come up with fantastic idea.”

The Crown Prince adds, “In fact, Dear Father we not only need to vet the hadith but also the Quranic verses in consultation with the United States and Britain.”

Mohammed bin Nawwaf, seconding his cousin, adds, “In England, they have King James version of the Bible. In fact, many call it the King James Bible. So we can have King Salman version of the Quran. Better still, the King Salman Quran.”

The King adds his wisdom, “The three of you have spoken most wisely. I will pass these orders immediately. We have to do only that pleases our masters.”

We Can Never Betray Our Eternal Benefactors

His Royal Highness Prince Mohammad bin Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, First Deputy Prime Minister and Minister of Defense, is conferring with his father, King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud is King of Saudi Arabia, Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques,

“My dear father, since our great benefactor of the modern times, Abu Ivanka Donald Trump has visited us, I am keeping a keen eye of any media reports about us. Thus I have hired the famous social media consultants in London, Fuolz Consultancy to advise us on the media reports about us.

“I have their report from today in which they tell us that ever since the publication of the news about the briefing given by Nickolay Mladenov, UN Special Coordinator for the Middle East Peace Process, which he gave in an open debate in the UN Security Council, over the situation in Jerusalem, that the conflict there could become a religious one, which could ultimately engulf the rest of the region, there is much criticism of our beloved kingdom in the social media.

“Of course while our brotherhood of the Beneficiaries of T.E. Lawrence, the Lawrence of Arabia, are maintaining an excellent silence, Muslims in some countries are agitating, especially over social media that, we, the oil-gifted, the most blessed of the Arabs, are doing nothing about the terror in Al Aqsa.

“O Father, you know these Muslims in the poor countries are the biggest troublemakers, whining and protesting that why we can’t use our clout for their brothers and sisters in Jerusalem … in Palestine.

“After receiving the briefing from Fuolz Consultancy, I asked my office to call our public relations consultants in Washington, D.C., Skweezstein and Shakemberg, and in London, Skrewem-Slayem & Dummphouse, PLC. They have offered a wonderful solution. They are saying that we hire some of the liberal and secular, especially those who call themselves former Muslims, who are now living in the United States, Canada and England to be our defenders in the media.

Masha Allah … God be Praised, our advisors in London, Skrewem-Slayem & Dummphouse say the liberal Muslims will take the fight to these protestors … these imbeciles who love the three Harmain … the holy mosques. Do they have to pray in Al Aqsa when our common benefactor, Great Britain gave that land to the one they pleased?

”O Father, we have to learn from our great friend, Abu Ivanka, see how smartly he did the transgender military ban, which only saves just $8 million per year, but it has diverted public attention from the troubles regarding Russia and his healthcare disaster, even if for a few days.

“O Father, we have to keep reminding our citizen that it was Great Britain who blessed us with this land. The most respected Harry Saint John Philby was Giod be Praised, the bountiful British officer who offered our blessed and great father, Abd al-Aziz – then the ruler of Nejd – to become the king of all Arabia in succession to the Ottomans. It was the British who helped us, and it was British machine guns and planes that killed most of our opponents.”

The king interjects, “Yes, I have to ask the imams of the Two Harmain to mention this in their Friday khutbas, and to explain while referring to the Quran where in Surah Al-Luqman (31:12), we are told, “… Any who is grateful does so to the profit of his own soul…

“Nowhere have I, or any of your uncles said that we are Khadim alHaramayn alSharifayn al Talaata … Custodian of the Three Holy Mosques.

“It is by the blessings of Great Britain … the kindness of great Britons like Philby and Lawrence of Arabia that we are the Khadim Harmain al Sharifayn … Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques.”

The king continues, “Our benefactor, England, gave Netanyahu the land so they are free to do as they please, just as we are free to do as we please.

“It is only the little Tamim of Qatar and his toy Aljazeera that keeps reporting on the situation in al Aqsa. By doing so he is encouraging not only Palestinians but also other Muslims to get angry. Khaled [Prince Khaled bin Salman, Saudi Arabia’s ambassador to the United States] called me from Washington, D.C. that even Muslims in his area held protest Juma prayer in front of Netanyahu’s embassy. O Father, I am calling our respected Abdul-Aziz ibn Abdullah Al ash-Sheikh that in his capacity as Grand Mufti of Saudi Arabia, he should invalidate all such protest Juma prayers. Such acts are an insult to Great Britain and an insult to our dear Abu Ivanka.

“O Father, for my words to the Grand Mufti will bear greater authority, I ask you that as head of the House of Saud, the time has come that you proclaim me as Nayib Khadim alHaramayn alSharifayn … the Deputy Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques Harmain al Sharifayn.

“We can never betray our eternal benefactors.”