In Victory, Ours is the Sweet Taste of Gao Mutra

Upon receiving the cable from the Indian embassy in the Netherlands about the International Court of Justice’s ruling on his country’s appeal against the death penalty handed to serving Indian Navy officer Commander Kulbhushan Sudhir Jadhav by a Pakistani Field General Court Martial [military court] for espionage, prime minister Narendra Modi set his spin doctors to work.

Jadhav, a Research and Analysis Wing (RAW) agent operating under the cover name of Hossein Mubarak Patel, was arrested June 16, 2016 in a Pakistani counter-intelligence operation in Balochistan’s Mashkel area for his involvement in espionage and sabotage activities against Pakistan.

India, denying the charges had gone to court.

Before letting loose his spin doctors, Modi held a meeting with some of his cabinet members to fine tune the details. Present were Defense minister Rajnath Singh, Foreign affairs minister Subrahmanyam Jaishankar, Home minister Amit Shah, and Ravi Shankar Prasad who doubles as Law and Communications minister. Also attending remotely was Yogi Adityanath, the chief minister of Uttar Pradesh (UP) and hardline Hindu ideologue.

Jaishankar presents the judgment in brief, “O our wise and magnificent leader, Sri Modi. We prevailed with a 15:1 ruling in our favor.”

A startled Modi asks, “But the court denied his acquittal, denied his return to India. And simply asked Pakistan to consider giving him consular access, which I understand can be rejected under our 2008 bilateral agreement. The court only requested Pakistan to review the death penalty under Pakistani law.”

Rajnat Singh quickly adds, “But our Sublime Leader, the court accepted that Commander Khulbhushan is a Indian national who was carrying out official duties in Baluchistan [like sowing discord and directing terror]. Indeed a true soldier, Your Excellency.”

Communications minister Prasad hurriedly puts his word across, “Your Excellency, our Pakistan cell is working overtime. I am monitoring the social media, and Pakistani liberals are simply falling over each to praise our victory. For instance our valuable asset, Marvi Sirmed has been hyperactive in proclaiming our twist to the saga. We have lawyer Rima Omer and journalist Mehreen Zahra-Malik who can’t tire of shouting down Pakistanis who wont say that India won the case.

The meeting decided that the government would present the court judgment as a great victory over Pakistan. Consequently, Modi and his cabinet went to the Red Fort to present a toast to victory. As agreed, they stood on the fort’s ramparts and toasted, using Modi’s preferred drink, gao mutra (cow urine). Of course, the victory celebration was shown on all Indian TV channels.

Lo and behold, the trend #RaiseAGlassofGaoMutratoKhulbhushan flew like a gust of strong wind engulfing millions of Indians.

Soon long lines started forming near cowsheds for gao mutra. However, within a wink, the excited customers obliged to line up under the burning July sun became restless. The cow herders could not get their animals to excrete quickly enough. Anger arose. And the cow herders resorted to force-feeding water to their animals to generate the much-desired drink, which is their leader’s beverage of choice.

With reports of violence pouring in from across India, Home Minister Amit Shah dashed to the prime minister’s office where those who were in the earlier meeting were brought on line.

Shah, trying to keep his fast beating heart in check, declared, “Praise be to Our Wise Leader, the entire nation is united in celebrating our victory. However, I must report that due to hot weather… and you know the epicenter of all this heat…”

Modi instantly shot, “Pakistan…”

Shah continued, “Yes, Your Excellency, but who else! Your Excellency, on account of their love for you, the entire nation wants to celebrate with your beloved beverage. Of course, our cows who are likewise affected by the heat are not being able to generate that much gao mutra. I would suggest that we immediately ask Pakistan to ship us as many as possible tankers of gao mutra. I would not hesitate to say that we ask that Pakistanis too force feed water to their cows and get the tankers moving our way.”

An angry Yogi Adityanath blurted, “Amit have gone mad? You expect our great Indian nation to drink Pakistani gao mutra… Amit have some shame! Our cows, our mothers, are the only ones capable of producing the pure gao mutra, free of any meat contamination. Who knows that Pakistanis may be feeding beef to their cows! Amit, we are Indians, how can Pakistani cows be our mothers! Now tell me!”

Shah, on the defensive, seeks his chief’s help, “Your Excellency, supplying gao mutra to our entire nation is a matter of strategic importance. My dear friend Yogi Adityanath, is it necessary that we tell our people that we are supplying them Pakistani gao mutra?”

Modi hurriedly puts down the discussion, declaring, “Our sublime duty is to let our people celebrate the right Hindu way and to feel the pride of defeating Pakistan. I want a more than a few terms in office. Amit just go ahead and call [prime minister] Imran Khan or his agriculture minister to get the supplies flowing.

“In victory, ours is the sweet taste of gao mutra.”

Let the World Know that the Bhutto-Zardari and Sharif Families Will Invest to Retake Pakistan

Maryam (“don’t call me Safdar”) Nawaz Sharif and Bilawal (“call me Bhutto”) Zardari are meeting over the latter’s upcoming visit to Washington, D.C. and of course, President Trump’s invitation to prime minister Imran Khan.

Maryam initiates the conversation, “Bilawal, although you are only less than a handful years older than my son, but I consider you as my brother just as our fathers [Nawaz Sharif and Asif Zardari] consider themselves to be brothers. We are kin.

“This Niazi… this Imran Khan is continuing to erode the majesty of the office of the head of state. The sooner we get rid of him, the better.

“In fact, I was so overjoyed when I started getting the reports that he has not even been invited… but alas, the White House stabbed us in the heart by officially announcing the invite.”

Bilawal offering his assent adds, “It started with his auctioning the official cars…”

Maryam quickly interjects, “And my father’s beloved buffaloes that gave us so many jugs of blissful lassi…”

Bilawal continues, “Indeed. Yes, those beautiful animals too. I heard that Uncle Nawaz took expert advice in acquiring the right breed of buffaloes…”

Maryam soulfully offers, “Exactly. My father is the truest of lassi connoisseurs.”

Bilawal continues, “You know I am visiting the United States for two weeks starting July 16 so I will have at least five days before Niazi’s visit for briefing the senators, congressmen and senior officials about the dangers that this selected prime minister holds for the United States.”

Maryam interjects again, “Excellent, my brother. Do keep stressing that he is Taliban Khan…”

Bilawal continues, “Of course! I will be there two weeks, and he is only there for three days. So I will also brief the American leadership after this selected one leaves America.

“You know he has only been invited for what the Americans call an ‘official working visit’. They have not offered him accommodation in the Blair House, which is across from the White House. Yes, he would be meeting with the president, and possibly have a working lunch at the White House. Since the Secretary of State will be at the luncheon, he will not have a separate meeting with him. And he can’t show off too as on such visits there is no ceremony upon arrival and departure. Let us see if the press is granted some photo opportunities and there is a press conference.”

Maryam added, “I know that your late mother, our great BB, the Queen of Martyrs, and President Zardari have very strong lobbying relations in Washington, and you have strong people there like Ambassador Hussain Haqqani to do the groundwork and follow-up.

“Our fathers must be FREE… we should regain our inheritance…the keys to Pakistan’s treasury!”

Bilawal continues, “Rest assured, I will shake Imran Niazi’s foundations. Both of us agree that Trump believes in transactional relationships. We can offer him something that will delight him, like controls over our nuclear program after all it belongs to my grandfather, the Great Martyr, Zulfikar Ali Bhutto…”

Maryam is quick to add, “And my father too. Prime Minister Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif personally ignited the bomb!”

Bilawal, banging the table, declares, “This Niazi is bringing Pakistan’s name in ill-repute. Instead of staying in the royal suite of a five-star hotel, he is weighing himself upon our ambassador there. What [foreign minister] Shah Mahmood Qureshi is going with him and perhaps three or four others… being put up in three star hotels.

“This selected Niazi lacks class… lacks breeding. You know, as president, my father spent 257 days abroad while on his 134 foreign trips, and was accompanied by some 3,227 people. President Zardari has the regal style… he gave around Rs 20 million in tips alone, and Rs 45 million worth of gifts. This is how you show your country’s flag!”

Once again, Maryam is quick to offer, “Indeed our fathers are great statesmen and the people’s real representatives. My father spent 262 days abroad during his four-years as prime minister. He gave Rs 30 million in tips and Rs 60 million of gifts. Our fathers know how to show the country’s flag. They always had PIA kit a jumbo jet luxury style for their overseas trips.”

Bilawal assures Maryam, “In fact, we should rejoice the mistakes this Niazi is making. You know that lobbying is America’s lifeblood. When this Niazi will show so much pennilessness, the American politicians who are always on the lookout for lobbying dollars will know that nothing can had from him. Of course, they know that we, especially my parents spent the big lobbying dollars.

“Even our non-family prime ministers, your Shahid Khaqan Abbasi and our Syed Yousuf Raza Gilani and Raja Pervaiz Ashraf undertook their foreign trips in regal style.

“As serving president, my father visited Dubai 51 times, and 17 times he went to London…”

Maryam interjects, “Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif did 24 visits to London… after all Hassan and Hussain are there.”

Bilawal continues, “You know, I will arrive in full imperial style. I have asked Uncle Malik Riaz [chairman, Bahria] to kit his private plane for my visit to America… a style, which is going to announce that we know how to spend and the American lawmakers know where real money lies.

“The cost-cutting that Niazi is doing is his own undoing. American public representatives only trust big spenders on lobbying, and they will be given the message that the Bhutto and Sharif families have the wherewithal to give. I tell you lobbyists will be climbing over each other to present their [lobbying] proposals to me.

“Let the world know that the Bhutto-Zardari and Sharif families will invest to retake Pakistan.”

Maryam, raising her fist, declares, “But not penny of our money!”

Only the Two Times President of Chile Can Help the Three Times Prime Minister of Pakistan Get Food with Chili

Nawaz Sharif, the three times former prime minister of Pakistan and disbarred president of his eponymous faction of the Pakistan Muslim League, who is currently undergoing a prison sentence in Kot Lakhpat jail in suburban Lahore, for corruption, is deeply upset over not having access to his favorite foods.

The Supreme Court of Pakistan has rejected his bail and parole petitions, rejecting his health-based arguments. Not only that but also the prison authorities have finally enforced rules and are not allowing food for him from his home, but have also restricted visits to only from his immediate family and not his party leaders.

Besides the extended Sharif family, many of his party leaders are facing other corruption charges. Thus the need of the hour is to get Nawaz Sharif out of jail and mount a campaign to oust the sitting government led by prime minister Imran Khan, which is pursuing a strict anti-corruption regime.

A meeting of party leaders comprising his daughter, Maryam (“don’t call me Safdar”) Nawaz Sharif, his brother and former two-times Punjab chief minster, Shehbaz Sharif, Shahid Khaqan Abbasi, a former prime minister, and former minister Ahsan Iqbal, and former informer information minister Maryam Aurangzeb have devised a strategy that his daughter Maryam, besides threatening to go on indefinite hunger strike, should also smuggle her cellphone and have the jailed leader call Michelle Bachelet Jeria, the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights, to intercede on his behalf over his food issue.

His daughter, working with party leaders, have prepared mini cue cards from which Nawaz Sharif will read to the UN official in Geneva.

The cards have been arranged in order. But first he will start with a general narrative that he has had coronary angioplasty twice in 2001 and 2017 and also had open heart surgery twice in 2011 and 2016.

The first card will have him talk about the deterioration of his renal function.

The second card will have him discussing that the left ventricle, the main pumping chamber of the heart, is damaged on the lower left wall.

The third will have him telling that he is a known case of diabetes Mellitus.

The fourth will talk about him having hypertension for the last 10 years.

The fifth card will have him telling her that he is also a known case of Ischemic heart disease since 2001.

Nawaz Sharif has also been briefed that Ms. Jeria has served as President of Chile from 2006 to 2010 and again from 2014 to 2018, the first woman to occupy the position.

After much discussion it was decided that in order to maximize the sympathy appeal, Nawaz Sharif should call Ms. Jeria at 11 a.m. Geneva time, which will be before lunch  there, and 2 p.m. in Lahore, after the convict has had his jail-served lunch.

Accordingly, his daughter sought permission to meet with her father on Sunday at 1:30 p.m. for at least two hours, which would be Monday morning in Geneva.

Finally, the moment comes. Maryam is able to spirit in her cellphone undetected, having lined the inner of her bag with an x-ray proof material.

She calls and asks Ms. Jeria’s secretary that the Prime Minister is calling from Pakistan.

The High Commissioner comes on line, and Nawaz Sharif starts the conversation, “Honorable High Commissioner, indeed it is very chivalrous of you to accept to become high commissioner when you have been president of Chile twice. Of course Geneva is anytime more beautiful than Santiago, just like it is more beautiful than Kot Lakhpat, which I am presently calling you from.”

The High Commissioner interrupts, “But isn’t Mr. Imran Khan, the prime minister? And who are you Sir?”

Nawaz quickly adds, “Honorable Madam, I am the three times prime minister of Pakistan, Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif, who is at present a resident of Kot Lakhpat. In fact, chili [pepper] is very popular in my country. We put chili in every food that we cook. Indeed, I am all the time missing food with the right amount of chili that my beautiful and talented daughter, Maryam, was bringing for me from our beautiful mansion in Jati Umra… [prompted by his daughter to read from his notes] you know, it is 11 a.m. in Geneva and you would be looking forward to a delicious meal of your choice. But it is 2 p.m. in Kot Lakhpat, when I have had to go through the torture of eating a medically supervised meal.

“You can understand my pain. You have only been president of chili two times but I have been prime minister of Pakistan three times. But despite that I have had coronary angioplasty only twice in 2001 and 2017 and also had open-heart surgery only twice in 2011 and 2016. Yes three prime minister but only two times each such procedures. This is why they are only allowing me to eat doctor-supervised food.

“Most Honorable Madam, you can understand how soft my heart has become, and imagine the pain it has to bear when I am not allowed food of my choice.

“Indeed, only my daughter Maryam understands my pain and she has announced to go on hunger strike till she is allowed to bring food for me. Yes, you may have been president of chili two times, but you cannot fathom the joys of Pakistani cooking and we put chili in all our foods, except of course in lassi and the sweet foods like halva, gulab jaman, russ malai, motee-choor laddu… oh, I can keep counting!

“My Maryam was bringing me halva, chikkar cholay and puree and sheer-maal, with lassi for breakfast. For lunch and dinner, she was bringing from a choice of amazing dishes such as nihari, siri paya, kut-kut, either chicken or goat biryani… all of them with proper amount of chili… all of Pakistani people thank your country of Chile for inventing this chili.

“Your Honor, I have more cards to read but I don’t want to delay your lunch. I know that you are a very brave lady. You recently issued a report about human rights abuses by India in Kashmir. I am therefore asking you to use your good office to oblige the government of Pakistan to allow food for me from my home.

“What can I say, but that I am confident that you will surely act on my behalf. Only the two times president of Chile can help the three times prime minister of Pakistan get food with chili.

“Thank you [and rings off].”

Pakistan Belongs only to two Families, the Bhuttos and the Sharifs

Maulana Fazlur Rahman, chief of his eponymous faction of the Jamiat Ulema-i Islam, has been calling Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP) co-chairman Bilawal Bhutto Zardari PML-N’s vice-President Maryam Nawaz Sharif, since they have met at Jati Umra, the Sharif family estate.

Held against the backdrop of arrests of the top party leadership of the two parties, the meeting was aimed at increasing cooperation between the two parties to work out a joint strategy against the Imran Khan led government.

The Maulana, who has been without his lucrative diesel permits since Imran Khan became prime minister, is on a multi-pronged attack. Besides calling Bilawal and Maryam, he is also talking to party leaders who were at the meeting: Punjab PPP chief Qamar Zaman Kaira, Sen. Mustafa Nawaz Khokar, Ch. Manzoor Ahmad and Hassan Murtaza in Bilawal’s team. Maryam’s team members: Sen. Pervaiz Rashid, former Sindh governor, Muhammad Zubair, former speaker Ayyaz Sadiq, Rana Sana Ullah and Maryam Aurangzeb.

Of course, the Maulana wants to know what transpired in the one-on-one meeting held by Maryam Nawaz and Bilawal Bhutto after the lunch.

A stickler for drawing out the utmost from all situations, the Maulana also met with Opposition Leader and PML-N President Shehbaz Sharif and Bilawal at Shehbaz’s chambers at the National Assembly. He had already hosted Shehbaz for dinner at his residence earlier.

The Maulana initiates the discussion with Shehbaz, Maryam, and Bilawal, “May God bless you and your parents who are only and rightful rulers of Pakistan.

“The 2006 Charter of Democracy signed by my beloved brother Nawaz Sharif and my sister Mohtarma Benazir Bhutto Shaheed is not only a historic document, but also a source of prosperity for your families and I and my family also had their fill from this stream. It is most encouraging that you are revitalizing and reinventing the charter to lay the foundation for a joint action against this Imran Khan regime… His constant talk about corruption has jeopardized the country’s sovereignty, economy and security. Instead of thinking that Pakistan is the only Muslim nuclear power, people are thinking that we are a den of thieves, so tomorrow when we regain our crown, all the world will look at us with suspicion.”

Bilawal quickly reassures the Maulana, “My respected Maulana Sahib, the moment we kick out Imran Khan, my father [Asif Zardari], my aunt [Faryal Talpur] and our respected prime minister Nawaz Sharif will be free. You know my father. He has no equal. It was his masterful lobbying that obliged Present George W. Bush to pressure Gen. Musharraf into issuing the National Reconciliation Order (NRO).”

The Maulana is swift to add, “Indeed. God be praised. Present Bush did us a great favor. The NRO opened floodgates of prosperity for not only both ruling families but also for me.”

Shehbaz too adds, “My respected Maulana is right. Undoubtedly the NRO was a blessing of God, a manna for our leadership.”

The Maulana checks his cellphone for notes and offers his insight, “You know that it is Akhtar Mengal [leader of his own faction of the Balochistan National Party (BNP)] who helped Imran Khan to take the majority. But Akhar’s political life has been lackluster. In 1997, it was my party that helped him become chief minister of Balochistan. Last year, he was ready to join me to form a government in Balochistan.

“Now that I have brought your two families together, my next project is Akhtar Mengal. We have to win him over to pull the chair from under Imran Khan… O God till how long should I live without diesel permits.

“But Akhtar Mengal will need more rewards.

“[The Maulana downs his glass of lassi and continues] The Charter of Democracy also means the Charter of Sharing…”

Bilawal interjects, “But Maulana Sahib, how long will my father be on 10%? Look at the inflation? So we need to share the spoils according to our contribution and standing. My party rules and has ruled Sindh. My family should get the biggest share…’

Maulana once again offers, “Whatever shares you decide but my efforts need to be rewarded with appropriate amount of diesel permits.”

Shehbaz and Maryam call out in unison, “But we also need to give due weightage to those bearing sufferings for the sake of democracy. Isn’t our true and beloved leader, Mian Nawaz Sharif in jail?”

Bilawal again adds, “But I lost my mother and despite being president for a full term, my father could not trace her killer. Maryam, if your father is in jail, not only my father but also my aunt are in custody.”

A nervous Maulana hurriedly adds, “Uff uff … why all this anger! Let us first pull the chair from under Imran Khan, and then I will set up a committee to demarcate the shares for both of your families. Now stop arguing please. We all know that the national treasury has not much left to loot. In our government, I will become the finance minister and I will scour the earth for loans, especially from countries that have offshore facilities like England. I will ask for loans assuring them, the our three families will keep their offshore businesses bulging.”

Shehbaz, Maryam and Bilawal staring at the Maulana scream, “Did we hear correctly that you said ‘… our three families…’ What? Really? Let us put it straight. Maulana you are only getting diesel permits and government-paid world tours. Pakistan belongs only to two families, the Bhuttos and the Sharifs.”

Onward, Liberal soldiers!

(With apologies to the master: Sabine Baring-Gould [1834-1924] who crafted his hymn ‘Onward Christian soldiers!’ based on II Timothy 2:3)

Onward, Liberal soldiers!

Marching as to war,

With the standard of the Eternal Bhutto

Going on before.

Bhutto, the revered Master of Destroying Pakistan,

Leads against the foe of Accountability;

Forward into battle,

See his banners go!

 

Onward, Liberal soldiers!

Marching as to war,

With the standard of the Eternal Bhutto

Going on before.

 

At the sign of triumph

NAB’s host doth flee;

On, then, Liberal soldiers,

On to victory.

Pakistan’s foundations quiver

At the shout of praise;

Brothers and Sisters, lift your voices,

Loud your anthems raise.

 

Like a mighty army

Moves the Mafia of the Zardari and the Sharifs,

Led by His Royal Puffiness Prince Bilawal of Looterania

And Maryam Safda… oops Nawaz Sharif,

Brothers, we are treading

Where the Saints of Corruption have trod.

We are not divided;

All one body we:

One in hope and doctrine,

One in looting [Pakistan].

 

Onward, then, ye people;

Join our happy thieving throng.

Blend with ours your voices

In the triumph song:

Glory, laud, and honor

Unto Zulfikar Ali Bhutto.

This through countless ages

Liberal Men and Women sing.

Once we regain the Hold Over Pakistan’s Treasury

Shehbaz Sharif, president of the Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PML-N), his niece and party vice-president Maryam Nawaz Sharif/Safdar accompanied by Shahid Khaqan Abbasi, a former prime minister, and party firebrand Rana Sanaullah, are meeting with Pakistan Peoples Party co-chairman Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari, his aunt Faryal Talpur, who has been spared arrest, accompanied by Gen. (ret.) Farhatullah Babar, Qamaruzzan Kaira, the party’s Punjab chief, at the Zardari House in Islambad.

Also present is the indefatigable political performer, Maulana Fazlur Rahman, head of his eponymous faction of the Jamiat Ulema-i Islam.

The Maulana initiates the conversation, “It is sad day in the history of Pakistan that a great man who has parked hundreds of millions in dollars, Sir, yes dollars, in the accounts of poor laborers and workers, our beloved brother, Asif Zardari, has been arrested.

“Indeed, no one has a bigger heart than him. Just imagine the joy of these poor people who were told that they are billionaires. So it not inappropriate to say that I had my eyes on massive diesel oil permits.

“In fact, we are already mourning the imprisonment of our large-hearted brother, Nawaz Sharif. He was always giving. He always insisted on taking a Boeing 777 when on any overseas trip so there was always space for not just the family but also our honorable media people and of course people of faith like myself.”

Bilawal thanks the Maulana, adding, “May God bless you for your kind words and hopes in my father’s generosity. You will agree and the whole world agrees that despite the inflation, my father has limited his skim-off from any public project to a mere 110%. My father’s kindness knows no limits. You know the three of us, myself and my two sisters, never know but our overseas portfolios keep growing. Like I never knew that Uncle Malik Riaz [of Bahria Town) was giving me a [$50 million Bilawal] house in Lahore. He just winked at my dad and handed me a key.

“Our sister Maryam and our brother Shehbaz deserve all the sympathy when our brother Hamza is also locked up.”

Maulana Fazal quickly interjects, “I am worried too. I have been hearing that it is being said that I am the right person to be imam for my brothers Asif, Nawaz and Hamza. I don’t see it as a compliment. This is just an excuse to lock me up.”

Bilawal tries to pacify the visibly shaken Maulana, “You are a national treasure. I am told that you are the nation’s diesel expert. Just tell them that you are not afraid of going to jail and then file for a pre-arrest bail, and bails thereafter. You know that prior to this arrest, my father filed eleven times for pre-arrest bails, only the last one failed him.”

Maryam doing her best to console the Maulana, adds, “Of course, you can fall ill the moment they shut the jail cell door. See not only my father, but also my Uncle Shehbaz, and our respected leader Mr. Zardari are experts in falling sick in jails.”

The Maulana recoups his strength and hastily blurts, “Yes, that’s true. I can get an illness that is treatable only in south of France.

[He looks around and adds] My bother Abbassi, I am hearing that you too will be praying behind me.”

Shehbaz steers the conversation away from prisons and offers, “We all heard about the commission that Imran Khan is creating to see how the debt burden increased so much. This is dangerous for all of us. This is his tactic to shake us out of our funds that we earned in lieu of our service to the people. Who works for free? Tell me which Rs 100 million project does not cost Rs 10 million… after all, we deserve the balance… the Rs 90 million.”

Faryal Talpur springs to extol her brother, “No, my brother… Asif Zardari would keep Rs 110 million off any Rs 100 million project. This is his genius.”

Shehbaz continues, “Now how to fight this commission that Imran is creating?”

Bilawal offers, “I will tell him, and our liberal media will tell him that we won’t compromise an inch on our stances on the 18th amendment. We will say that the Amendment does not allow for any corruption probes. All of us have to keep shouting that whatever is happening with the opposition is not accountability but political vendetta.”

Shehbaz reconnects, “I will say that our brother, Asif should get himself moved to Kot Lakhpat jail so that two of our country’s greatest leaders are in constant touch. And I would say if our respectable and honorable Maulana is also there. It will be an amazing combination, good enough to upend this commission and all this anti-corruption hysteria!”

The Maulana, staring at Shehbaz, declares, “No sacrifice is too little to uproot Imran’s anti-corruption drive, especially this commission. But my friends, I have hesitation in serving as imam in Kot Lakhpat jail, except if you promise to never forget my diesel permits.”

Shehbaz pats the Maulana’s hand and assures him, “My dear Maulana Sahib, never forget that neither we, the Sharifs, nor our brother Asif, ever forget our friends. Once we regain the hold over Pakistan’s treasury, one of its keys will be yours… yes, and the ministerial residence and perks too!”

An overjoyed Maulana hugs Shehbaz and Bilawal, and requests a round of lassi for everyone.

More Fulfilling Zakat Seasons

Dr. Abn-Awaa al-Diba, secretary general of the High Institute for the Study of Advancement of Gulf Monarchies is meeting Abdullatif bin Rashid Al Zayani, secretary-general of the GCC, formally known as The Cooperation Council for the Arab States of the Gulf, to discuss the collection of zakat by the UN Commission for Human Rights (UNHCR).

Dr. al-Diba initiates the discussion, “May Allah protect all our heads of states of Gulf countries. It is their blessing and love that the UNHCR collected zakat from Muslims.”

Al-Zayani, a Bahraini engineer and retired lieutenant general, seconds, “Indeed… Indeed. Muslims pay hundreds of billions of dollars in zakat each year; it is an amount with great potential to impact the world.

“In the past, some people were misusing zakat for activities like feeding the Palestinians in Gaza, like providing winter clothing to children in what-Pakistan-calls, Kashmir.”

Al-Diba adds, “Certainly, our wise leaders have moved in the right direction. Our common benefactor, Abu Ivanka (President Trump) would have let his displeasure known.

“Our leadership be praised. Abu Ivanka is more than dear brother to us…”

Al Zayani, “Praise be to the Lord of the Heavens. Our wise leadership be praised…”

Al-Diba continues, “The most honorable efforts of our wise leadership have placed our countries at par with Israel in the eyes of our beloved Abu Ivanka.

“You may recall that our beloved ally, President George W. Bush used the emergency provision in 2006 to send precision-guided weapons to Israel during the Israel-Hezbollah July War…”

Al Zayani nodding in assent, exclaims, “Yes, I do. Hezbollah is just another name for Iran…”

Al-Diba, “Our most wise and honorable leadership’s great work is bearing fruit. You see there are multiple reports that Abu Ivanka will use this emergency to export $7 billion in arms to Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates. Praise be to the Lord. Praise be to Abu Ivanka. For more than four years these Houthis … or we rather call them by their real identity, Iranians, have waged a brutal war in Yemen against our beloved states.”

Al-Zayani adds, “As a Bahraini, I know the real face of Iran. You know, some seventy percent of people in our country are Iranians [read Shia]. To top it all, they are learning all the poisonous things from Iran, like they want an elected government in Bahrain. May God protect our wise rulers whom He has created to rule over us forever.”

Al-Diba, “Let us return to our main concern, the collection and disbursement of zakat. Our honorable and wise leadership has scored a masterstroke by handling over zakat collection to the UNHCR.

“My blessed and honorable Shaykh Al-Zayani, I can imagine to whom the seventy percent population of your country, the Iranians, would have given their zakat to if the UNHCR was not there. Imagine zakat being used for feeding and caring for these Iranians, Palestinians and Kashmiris and these fourth world people.

“Certainly, our wise leadership knows the way to Abu Ivanka’s heart. He must get reelected in 2020, and all of us must support this cause. Indeed, the Quran in Surah al-Tawba states that those who work in administering the zakat are eligible to benefit from zakat. And this zakat administration at UNHCR is creating jobs for people of countries that love us… England, America, France…”

Al-Zayani interjects, “Our beloved Abu Ivanka loves creating jobs for Americans. I can only imagine how pleased he must be. We all know how masterfully he shot down all that propaganda against our beloved rulers by saying that he cannot talk against us because we are buying $110 billion of arms, which is creating jobs in America.”

Al-Diba adds, “No doubt giving UNHCR zakat collection is a wise move, and a greater move will be to get a fatwa that both our beloved countries, England And America are fully and Islamically empowered to collect our zakat.

“Zakat as we all know is one of the largest forms of wealth transfer to the poor and needy. Who else but our beloved countries, England and America need our support? Zakat is expected to surpass $3 trillion by 2020. Such large amounts can only be administered by England and America so it does not fall in wrong hands like the Palestinians and Kashmiris.

“God forbid that our dearest Abu Ivanka leaves the presidency, but if it happens, our honorable and wise leadership should appoint him as the International Director General of Zakat Administration. We need firm control over these funds, which he knows how to do.

“Shaykh Al-Zayani we need a fatwa that zakat can only be given to those who honor and respect our wise leaders and great leaders like Abu Ivanka and [former British prime minister] Tony Blair… the true friends of our beloved leaders. Thus, we can have even more fulfilling zakat seasons.