In Victory, Ours is the Sweet Taste of Gao Mutra

Upon receiving the cable from the Indian embassy in the Netherlands about the International Court of Justice’s ruling on his country’s appeal against the death penalty handed to serving Indian Navy officer Commander Kulbhushan Sudhir Jadhav by a Pakistani Field General Court Martial [military court] for espionage, prime minister Narendra Modi set his spin doctors to work.

Jadhav, a Research and Analysis Wing (RAW) agent operating under the cover name of Hossein Mubarak Patel, was arrested June 16, 2016 in a Pakistani counter-intelligence operation in Balochistan’s Mashkel area for his involvement in espionage and sabotage activities against Pakistan.

India, denying the charges had gone to court.

Before letting loose his spin doctors, Modi held a meeting with some of his cabinet members to fine tune the details. Present were Defense minister Rajnath Singh, Foreign affairs minister Subrahmanyam Jaishankar, Home minister Amit Shah, and Ravi Shankar Prasad who doubles as Law and Communications minister. Also attending remotely was Yogi Adityanath, the chief minister of Uttar Pradesh (UP) and hardline Hindu ideologue.

Jaishankar presents the judgment in brief, “O our wise and magnificent leader, Sri Modi. We prevailed with a 15:1 ruling in our favor.”

A startled Modi asks, “But the court denied his acquittal, denied his return to India. And simply asked Pakistan to consider giving him consular access, which I understand can be rejected under our 2008 bilateral agreement. The court only requested Pakistan to review the death penalty under Pakistani law.”

Rajnat Singh quickly adds, “But our Sublime Leader, the court accepted that Commander Khulbhushan is a Indian national who was carrying out official duties in Baluchistan [like sowing discord and directing terror]. Indeed a true soldier, Your Excellency.”

Communications minister Prasad hurriedly puts his word across, “Your Excellency, our Pakistan cell is working overtime. I am monitoring the social media, and Pakistani liberals are simply falling over each to praise our victory. For instance our valuable asset, Marvi Sirmed has been hyperactive in proclaiming our twist to the saga. We have lawyer Rima Omer and journalist Mehreen Zahra-Malik who can’t tire of shouting down Pakistanis who wont say that India won the case.

The meeting decided that the government would present the court judgment as a great victory over Pakistan. Consequently, Modi and his cabinet went to the Red Fort to present a toast to victory. As agreed, they stood on the fort’s ramparts and toasted, using Modi’s preferred drink, gao mutra (cow urine). Of course, the victory celebration was shown on all Indian TV channels.

Lo and behold, the trend #RaiseAGlassofGaoMutratoKhulbhushan flew like a gust of strong wind engulfing millions of Indians.

Soon long lines started forming near cowsheds for gao mutra. However, within a wink, the excited customers obliged to line up under the burning July sun became restless. The cow herders could not get their animals to excrete quickly enough. Anger arose. And the cow herders resorted to force-feeding water to their animals to generate the much-desired drink, which is their leader’s beverage of choice.

With reports of violence pouring in from across India, Home Minister Amit Shah dashed to the prime minister’s office where those who were in the earlier meeting were brought on line.

Shah, trying to keep his fast beating heart in check, declared, “Praise be to Our Wise Leader, the entire nation is united in celebrating our victory. However, I must report that due to hot weather… and you know the epicenter of all this heat…”

Modi instantly shot, “Pakistan…”

Shah continued, “Yes, Your Excellency, but who else! Your Excellency, on account of their love for you, the entire nation wants to celebrate with your beloved beverage. Of course, our cows who are likewise affected by the heat are not being able to generate that much gao mutra. I would suggest that we immediately ask Pakistan to ship us as many as possible tankers of gao mutra. I would not hesitate to say that we ask that Pakistanis too force feed water to their cows and get the tankers moving our way.”

An angry Yogi Adityanath blurted, “Amit have gone mad? You expect our great Indian nation to drink Pakistani gao mutra… Amit have some shame! Our cows, our mothers, are the only ones capable of producing the pure gao mutra, free of any meat contamination. Who knows that Pakistanis may be feeding beef to their cows! Amit, we are Indians, how can Pakistani cows be our mothers! Now tell me!”

Shah, on the defensive, seeks his chief’s help, “Your Excellency, supplying gao mutra to our entire nation is a matter of strategic importance. My dear friend Yogi Adityanath, is it necessary that we tell our people that we are supplying them Pakistani gao mutra?”

Modi hurriedly puts down the discussion, declaring, “Our sublime duty is to let our people celebrate the right Hindu way and to feel the pride of defeating Pakistan. I want a more than a few terms in office. Amit just go ahead and call [prime minister] Imran Khan or his agriculture minister to get the supplies flowing.

“In victory, ours is the sweet taste of gao mutra.”

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