When I, Bilawal Bhutto Zardari, will Become Prime Minister, the Courts will be at My Command

A red carpet was laid from the entrance of Kot Lakhpat Jail to the holding cell of the three times prime minister of Pakistan, Mian Nawaz Sharif, because Qamaruz Zaman Qaira, president of Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP) Punjab branch, insisted that Bilawal Bhutto Zardari was not used to walking on bare surfaces.

Sharif receives the visitor in his specially appointed cell, where at Qaira’s insistence, portraits of both Bilawal’s maternal grandfather and the mother, as well the two parties’ flags had been placed.

Sharif hugs him tightly, and states, “My dear boy, I am really grateful to my dear brother, our former president of Pakistan, the honorable Asif Zaradri for directing you to visit me.

“Indeed, the last time you visited me was at my humble abode in Jati Umra, which was a sad occasion, to condole for the nation’s most beautiful first lady, Kalsoom. If it were a happy occasion, I would have taken you to my personal zoo. I have many loins there, and all the children are very happy to see my loins… you too would have enjoyed looking at them!

“And I have many kind of monkeys too. When [Indian prime minister Narendra] Modi visited me, I took him to meet my monkeys. He was really impressed. After doing a lot of worship to them, he said my dear brother Nawaz, you are showing true respect to our Lord Hunumanji.”

Sharif, who cannot stop extolling his love for his visitor’s family, declares, “I was always inspired by both your grandfathers of sainted memory, Hakim Ali Zardari, and indeed the Immortal Marytr Zulfikar Ali Bhutto … they said, always sit in the handkerchief pocket of a general… both did! First our Great Bhutto secured the love and confidence of President General Iskander Mirza… I am told that Lady Naheed Mirza and your illustrious grandmother, the Mother of the Pakistani Nation, Nusrat Bhutto have the same Ispahani roots. What great tea… Ispahani Tea… I always insist on Ispahani Tea… our heritage tea. Then our Immortal Martyr climbed into Field Marshal Mohmmad Ayub Khan’s pocket and from there into the heart of General Agha Yahya Khan… I only like lassi, but I hear that your Immortal grandfather and Yahya loved the same brand of whisky.

“Considering this heritage, I hopped into General Ziaul Haq’s shirt-pocket. This warmth continues to pay off till today.

“You know that General Zia asked me how to execute our Immortal Mr. Bhutto. He, being a military man, wanted to put him in front of a firing squad. But I told him that he should be kind and give a lot of Black Label scotch whisky to Mr. Bhutto so he doesn’t feel the rope around his neck. The general immediately agreed. I have always had great admiration for the Bhutto family.

“What a great man was your great grandfather, Sir Shahnawaz Bhutto! How brilliantly, he arranged the transfer of Junagadh to India. He silenced Nawab Mahabat Khanji, otherwise his wish to join Pakistan would have created a perpetual Kashmir like problem.”

Finally Bilawal finds a pause and presents a Sindhi cap to Nawaz, saying, “My respected Uncle Nawaz, this is a gift from the co-chairman of our party, president Asif Zardari.”

Sharif quickly rises and hugs his visitor again. He is teary eyed and states, “My dear child, what a great speech you made in the assembly… [he guffaws] not only Imran Khan but also his entire party is jumping like scary mice.

“So dear child… in fact, my dear innocent child. Even [now retired chief justice] Saqib Nisar declared you innocent. Yes, my brother Shehbaz told me that Saqib said that besides Popes Innocent One to Thirteen, you are the truly innocent boy! God bless you.

“So my dear child, who wrote this great speech? Hussain Haqqani?”

Bilawal states, “No, my dear Uncle Nawaz, this was written by our Senator Sherry Rehman, who you know never misses anything written by this great intellectual.”

Nawaz raises his fist in the air, as his glass of lassi is brought for him and a Coke for his visitor, and continues, “You see all this propaganda that Imran is doing day and night, getting his pictures taken giving Sehat Insaf cards. So I am asking where is this card for Mian Mohaammad Nawaz Sharif, the three times prime minister of Pakistan, the real hero of Pakistan’s atom bomb?”

Bilawal, nodding his sympathy, offers, “My dear Uncle Nawaz, you are watching television, and you see how our party leaders in the parliament, the Senate, and the media and the Twitter, are stressing that you deserve the highest quality of health care that is only available in England.”

Nawaz quickly adds, “Yes, I know. Indeed I admire the strong message given by [PPP leader] Khursheed Shah that if anything happened to me, it would be considered a murder and Imran Khan would be responsible for it.”

Qaira signals that jail visit time is ending, and Bilawal assures, “My dear Uncle Nawaz, my party stands with you in your struggle to get treated only in England.

“Indeed, none of my family, nor any of our party leaders and their families will ever agree to go to a government or a Pakistani hospital because in contravention of the 18th amendment, the court has placed big hospitals in Sindh under federal government control. Of course, there no blonde nurses in this country!

“You know, Uncle Nawaz, Imran Khan Niazi is just making excuses that you can’t be sent to London without court approval. When I, Bilawal Bhutto Zardari, will become prime minister, the courts will be at my command!”

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