India Loves Pakistani Liberals

In the light of Pakistan releasing the downed Indian pilot, Wing Commander Abhinandan Varthaman, prime minister Narendra Modi has called another huddle with his close aides at his office in the prime minister’s secretariat. They include National Security Adviser Ajit Dovel, Uttar Pradesh chief minister Yogi Adityanath, defense minister Nirmala Sitharaman and external affairs minister Sushma Swaraj. This meeting also includes information minister Col. Rajyavardhan Singh Rathore.

Modi, who is as usual, nursing a glass of his favorite beverage, gao mutra (cow urine), starts his talk, “Thank you all for coming again. As all our eyes are on April and May 2019 elections where our target is the total capture of the 17th Lok Sabha (Peoples Assembly), we need to keep the nation on boiling point.

“First of all, I congratulate our Colonel [Rathore] for keeping our media at full throttle against Pakistan. I am really pleased the way, it is going. All our television channels are saying it loud and bold that I have brought Imran Khan and Pakistan to their knees, obliging Imran to repatriate our great hero Abhinandan.

“I know that we all are surprised that Imran took the initiative to deescalate first. But we cannot afford to deescalate. We have an election at hand.

“Colonel, please issue a media advisory as soon as you return to your office that no one can mention or imply that by releasing our hero, Imran has shown a surprising level of maturity.

“All of us are doing whatever is useful from the standpoint of electoral benefits. I know the mood of the nation… [guffaws] we mold the mood of the nation.

“Colonel, we cannot allow any voices asking us to deescalate, because I will not be called a softie. Softies don’t get elected.”

Dovel presents the monitoring reports prepared by his department, “My beloved leader, Modiji, we have an invaluable asset in Pakistan, which never stops working for us. May our Holy Mother, Gao Mata (cow, the mother), bless them. Within a few minutes that the Pakistani military’s information wing announced about holding Abhinandan, Pakistani liberals started taking out demonstrations asking Imran to release him.

“Our Colonel is doing a superb job. Thanks to him, our Indian media has largely ascribed to itself the role of an amplifier of our government’s view.”

Sitharaman quickly quips, “May Lord Rama and Lord Ganesh bless them, our [ultra-right-wing, Hindu nationalist paramilitary force] RSS (Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh) ranks are our best weapon. The media people know that even a whisper against our Modiji will not go unpunished.”

Swaraj too hastens to her bit, “Our ministry [of external affairs] also deserves the kudos. You will note that in every nook and cranny in the west, our BJP and RSS are only being identified as nationalists. [She guffaws] Of course, this Islamophobia is so beneficial for us.”

The Colonel continues, “I was saying that we have a powerful force in Pakistan… the liberal lobby… the admirers of Faiz Ahmad Faiz, Qurat-ul Ain Haider, Manto, Fahmida Riaz… you name them. Such a fine lot working for India! What a great job is being done by Marvi Sirmid. Another is Beena Sarwar. We lost Asma Jahangir, but now her daughter Munizae has quickly filled the gap. They are selfless! Their love is India alone, not Pakistan.”

Dovel also quickly adds, “And our great work in Canada. Tarek Fatah is an absolute gem. He is not ready to accept any form of Pakistan. We should at least give a him a Bharat Ratna.”

Modi takes another fulfilling sip of gao mutra, and declares, “Of course, after we occupy Pakistan, I will appoint Tarek Fatah as our Integration with India Governor. Just a Bharat Ratna is not enough for heroes like Tarek.”

The Colonel continues again, “Modiji, as I have said before that Pakistani liberals and secularists are our most valuable assets. They have blunted whatever advantage Imran sought to take. They start clamoring for the heads of any Pakistanis we label as terrorists. And they are cheap to get! A few rupees channeled to their favorite NGOs like some feminist thing, some dance thing, a few trips to India, and of course a steady supply of whisky and our fantastic Indian beers.”

Modi, raises his glass, and declares, “Yes, liberals in India cannot be left alive, but let us send a clear message that India loves Pakistani liberals.”

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