We Will Rule Them Through Our Ruses

Indian prime minister Narendra Modi has huddled with his close aides at his office in the prime minister’s secretariat. They include National Security Adviser Ajit Dovel, Uttar Pradesh chief minister Yogi Adityanath, defense minister Nirmala Sitharaman and external affairs minister Sushma Swaraj.

Modi, who is nursing his glass of his favorite beverage, gao mutra (cow urine), “Our eyes are on April and May 2019 elections where our target is the total capture of the 17th Lok Sabha (Peoples Assembly).

“Anil [Kumar Dhasmana, chief of the Research and Analysis Wing] really did a fantastic job with Pulwama! We are more than a billion Indians, so what if forty were sacrificed for a noble purpose – the total and complete victory for BJP (Bharatiya Janata Party). We will do clean sweep with the sympathy vote.”

Yogi Adityanath thunders, “Modiji, my great leader, this Pulwama is a brilliant move, nothing better ties terrorism to Pakistan. This is votes and votes and votes!”

Modi, bottoms up his glass and signals for a refill, and offers, “The cow belt and the Hindutva belt are ours.

“My Balakot attack is working, the joy and celebration continues, as if we have removed Pakistan from existence!

“This is votes!

“We should let the Pakistanis hold [pilot of down Indian jet fighter] Wing Commander Abhi Nandan. It means votes! And anyway, we don’t need to waste our energy on him. The Pakistani liberals are doing our job marvelously… they are demanding his release.

“When I met with my three service chiefs and our intelligence heads, I gave them total authority to act. This means continuous escalation. Yes, this means votes.”

Yogi Adityanath quickly signals his desire to speak and ask, “Modiji you too may seen Imran Khan’s speech. More than once he said that Miss Calculation causes wars. So what… I mean, who is this Miss?”

Modi, takes another sip of his favorite beverage and offers, “Don’t worry, dear Yogiji. You know I am a Gujrati and we know what is calculation. I have calculated what I am getting out of this war.”

The Yogi asks again, ”But I was asking about this Miss Calculation.”

Modi, puts down his glass, and states, “My honorable Yogi, you know that during his cricketing days, Imran was surrounded by ladies… all those white ladies. So I am sure that Miss Calculation is someone, whom he must be remembering. This is why he mentioned her more than once.”

This generates another question from the Yogi, “But I have never heard such a name. I have never read anyone called Miss Calculation.”

Modi, a trifle flustered, retorts, “My dear Yogi, you know these European people take up strange names like Wolf, Parrott, Lamb and what not, so this Miss Calculation is another of these odd names. You know these Europeans don’t have great ones to name them after… in ancient times, the Europeans did not have plastic surgeons like we had… see Lord Ganesh when an elephant head was grafted on a man and he became a god. Don’t worry, with Narendra Modi, you are in great hands.

“Nirmala [Sitharaman], I am calling Trump to accept his request to buy their F-21 fighters jets. I know these are just F-16s with a little makeup but this is a sure way to win over Trump. You know that, while publicly calling for restraint, Trump is encouraging India, assuring us privately of his support.

“We have fulfilled the political objective, which was to send a message to the people on the eve of a general election that Prime Minister Narendra Modi is a leader who has the political will to set everything right and make India great again.

“Lord Rama is so kind that he gave us Bollywood, which has obliterated the nation’s IQ … we will rule them through our ruses.”

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