Making America a Christian Nation Again

Hank Needleberger, evangelist, faith healer, founder of the Haystack Gospel Church and builder of the Angus Temple, is in a meeting with Angel Nozepinn, chairperson of the Nozepinn Fund for Bible Advancement, to strategize as Missouri, Indiana, West Virginia, Virginia North Dakota, and Florida, are considering bills permitting the study of the Bible in classrooms.

Needleberger opens the discussion, “Angel, today as we meet I am reminded of Herbert Hoover who promised to put a chicken in every pot. I want a Bible in every room, not just hotel rooms.”

Nozepinn interrupts and asks, “Oh hotels… you know how they put the Book of Mormon in all of the Marriotts and all the properties they manage. In my sermons, I always remind people that we all love freebies but in no case they should walk out with this Mormon thing. It is not the Bible!

“But Hank, it will not be easy. The liberals are going to oppose it. They will taunt like there are more than thirty different Bible translations and versions, and all this sort.”

Needleberger quickly offers, “Angela what else! We are building a big war chest. I have met with Zondervan and Thomas Nelson who are the world’s leading Bible publishers. We’ll get more of ‘em.

“And course, we have Trump. Look at this tweet, he sent in support for these laws. ‘Numerous states introducing Bible Literacy classes. … Starting to make a turn back? Great!’

“You know our democracy is great! The more money you raise, the more you win. Angel, we will win! We got a great marketing strategy that public school children are going to study the Bible’s historical significance.”

An elated Nozepinn declares, “We should let these Bible publishers do massive advertising campaigns that while there’s a separation of church and state, but there’s not a separation of books from education.

“I know that we have one victory. In 2017, Kentucky passed legislation creating state regulations for public high schools to offer elective literature courses on the Bible and Hebrew Scriptures. But with all these liberals hounding us, why not, the publishers re-title it like ‘Great News’ or ‘Good News’ with no mention of the word Bible anywhere.”

A guffaw escapes Needleberger, as he offers, “Angel, that’s not bad idea because Muslims often argue that this is not the Bible that God sent.”

Nozepinn quickly confides, “Last week, I was ringing doorbells, asking people to read the Bible, when a un-American guy opens the door, listens to my spiel, and questions me that which of the Bibles he should read… He asked me that which one is the real one… and the guy rattled the names of like thirty versions! I just backed off.

“I think that a repackaged and retitled book will be the safest way to get our book in.”

Needleberger adds, “Oh that is bad. But what about the people among us? The American Protestants will not be alone, the Catholics will protest too. I know these figures are 15 year old, but Pew found that evangelicals are 26 percent while Roman Catholics are 22 percent and mainline Protestants make up 16 percent.

“I am positive that our numbers are much higher now. Look how many evangelicals we have in government. I think that we should go all the way and get our New International Version of the Bible adopted as the permitted version for schools.”

Nozepinn quickly adds, “Hank, we need to get our folks to fill not only Trump’s election coffers but also of all Republicans. You know how Bible literacy bills were considered in Alabama, Iowa and West Virginia — but none passed, and the American Civil Liberties Union boasts that they had opposed these. You know Trump wants to abolish the provision in the tax code that bans tax-exempt churches from supporting political candidates. If he gets that, we will become supreme!

“These bills are our road to promote Christianity in public schools. And every day I see hope. Now this judge… Ruth Bader Ginsburg is nearly on the way out. Trump has numbers on his side in Senate and he will get another right-headed judge. May be we can get the Supreme Court to review the 1963 verdict against teaching the Bible in schools.”

An enthused Needleberger declares, “Our campaign theme should be that Bible studying… I mean, literacy, will help cultivate morals. Already, these Biblical literacy laws have been enacted in more than a half-dozen states since 2000. The campaign to pass them elsewhere shows little sign of stopping. We should keep pressing that the Bible would be treated as a historical and literary source.

“We are on a roll.

“Trump is our hope of making America a Christian nation again.”

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