Penny Snowflakington, host of the Food 24/7/365 on The Food Channel is on her prime time program, excited to announce her culinary discovery.
Readers may note that it is The Food Channel, like no other. And for six weeks, it had been airing 7 seconds spots about the announcement of Snowflakington’s “The Most Amazing Discovery.”
Snowflakington enters holding a 6 oz. glass container filled with a yellow thing, “Hi my beautiful foodies, today I am finally unveiling my discovery on our Food 24/7/365. Yes, Christopher Columbus had his moment discovering America! But here is my amazing discovery that is going to change the way America cooks! Change the way that America eats!”
There is commercial break for Just Like Butter Buttery Spread with a Beyonce look-alike slathering the concoction on a quarter-inch thick slice of toasted bread. The commercial is followed by Starbucks Grande Caffe Latte Mocha, blaring its unique sales proposition that it is 155% sweeter per fluid ounce, while three young professionals working on their laptops at a Starbucks toast each other, cups raised high!
“Your Food 24/7/365 team reaches far and wide to bring the best in gourmet cooking. Last year, our research team was roaming the foothills of the Himalayas in India that they heard about Maharishi Guru Guobar Chakkichukkar and the wonder ingredient that is used in his ashram’s kitchens. I was about to hop a plane to India that I was told that that the country is full of mosquitos. Oh! Penny cannot be detained from going for amazing foods.
“Our researchers in London reached out the Tony Blair Faith Foundation and Odyssey Networks and MosquitoNetting organizations who create fantastic mosquitos nets. [She reaches under her desk and pulls out a net mask created for her, which looks like a Star Trek variety helmet.] So armed with the best mosquito protection, I went to the Guru’s ashram.
“It was there that I was blessed with having food prepared with Gee [ghee] that you see in this jar. In appreciation of my coming, the Guru ordered that I should be presented a jar of Gee. I requested him that if I could have one more bottle. I didn’t tell him that I want to get it tested by the Cleveland Clinic, which you know is a premier academic medical center in our nation.
“The Guru told me that only those who have had meals for 100 days at the ashram are allowed to buy this Gee. Oh, so I donated the price of three meals a day for the 100 days to buy an extra jar that I sent to Cleveland.”
She goes off for another commercial break. On come commercials extolling the wonders of Banquet’s maple-flavored Brown’N Serve Fully Cooked Sausage Links, which offer a whopping 180 calories per serving. The commercial for Starbucks Grande Caffe Latte Mocha is repeated.
Penny Snowflakington returns.
“Hey, did I tell you that I sneaked into the jar I was sending to Cleveland. Oh this Gee is so nutty-tasting. Yummy!
“Their report came last week. [Holding up the jar] They say that Gee is an option for those who are lactose intolerant. The report said that it helps with digestion, being a rich source of butyric acid, which helps maintain the integrity of your intestinal wall. And it is good for your colon health because research shows short-chain fatty acids such as butyric acid can protect against damaging cell growth in the colon.
“I will be taking a short break from Food 24/7/365 to travel to India and get permission from Maharishi Guru Guobar Chakkichukkar to make Gee in the United State of America. All of us have to make American great again!
“The Guru told me that it is best if it comes from the milk of an Indian cow because the cow is considered a goddess, the Mother in India and loved and worshipped.
I thought to myself, these cows must be spoilt brats! No, my dear Guru! We need the milk of American cows for American Gee.
“I will be working with Swindlers Dairies of Foxxville to produce the real American Gee. There will be like Gee made from the milk of corn-fed cows… from the milk of grass-fed cows… from the milk of alfa alfa fed cows. Everything organic!
“So everyone wait to look for Swindlers Gee in a dozen healthful varieties!”
There is another commercial break. Out pop Jack Link’s Hot Head Pickled Sausage, available in packs of 30 each. This flows into the commercial for VPX Bang – Peach Mango, pack of 12 for $25.99 at The Vitamin Shoppe.
Penny Snowflakington returns. She reaches under her table and lifts a bottle containing a clear yellow liquid.
“Hey, it is time to get ready for our next show, ‘Two Inch Steaks Alive’… and it is time to share with you a gift that Maharishi Guru Guobar Chakkichukkar gave me.
“The label is in the Indian… the Hindu language… in a script called Devon-gary [Devanagari], some people call it the Nag-Ari script [nagari]. He told me that it is called Gow Mootra [gau mutra] — the Superior Elixir of Gods, which is the favorite beverage of the Indian prime minister, Mr. Moody [Modi]. I mentioned it a minute ago that in India the cow is considered a Mother, a goddess. This is 100% pure cow urine.
“The Guru told me that it offers a high dose of vitamins and minerals and is an effective treatment of allergies, acne, cancer, heart problems, infections, wounds, stuffy nose, rash and other skin ailments. Of course, I am sending it to the Cleveland Clinic for evaluation. If they okay it, I will get the Guru’s permission to produce this drink in America… Swindlers Gow Mootra!
“Bye now for this hour. I am so proud to share with you folks the greatest American discovery since Columbus discovered America!”