Mohammed bin Salman (MbS), Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, deputy prime minister, chairman of the Council for Economic and Development Affairs, chairman of the Council of Political and Security Affairs, and minister of defense, has taken foreign minister Ibrahim Abdulaziz Al-Assaf to his meeting with King Salman, his father.
MbS quickly starts the conversation, “God be praised, O my dear father, policies enacted under your noble guidance are bearing the sweetest of fruit.
“Everywhere we see in the world, the will of our great kingdom prevails. Gary Pinkus, chairman of North America of our consultants McKinsey & Company informed me from his New York headquarters that in September, our Abu Ivanka [President Trump] had requested options for a military strike against Iran.
“Indeed that would have been perfect. But Ibrahim [Al-Assaf] agrees that even though our dream job was not done but simply by ringing up and asking the Pentagon, [national security advisor] John Bolton has scared the pants off those Iranians…”
The king hastily completes the sentence, “And their democracy. God bless the sainted Mohammad Reza Shah Pehlavi whom they so brutally humiliated… the rightful ruler… the one blessed and anointed by the British. We share the same benefactor.”
MbS complements his father’s observation, “O father, you are the source of wisdom and inspiration for the people of the kingdom, and the entire Muslim world. This lecherous democracy is mother of all evils. Our system is the best. Everyone knows that only our family has the wherewithal to produce kings… oh, I mean, only the House of Salman.
“Our campaign to contain Iran in Yemen is going splendidly. We are ordering from the $450 billion purchase agreement that I signed with our dear Abu Ivanka. God willing we will continue to add to this order.
“O my beloved father, the best news is that our friendship toward Israel is bearing great blessings. God be praised.
“Indeed this morning, I got an email from our very respected friend, Lillian Pinkus, president of AIPAC [American Israel Public Affairs Committee]. What a great lady. Such humility. You know despite heading an organization that has more than 100,000 members, seventeen regional offices, and a vast pool of donors, she is simply down to earth. She is the first woman to lead this noble organization in a decade. When I called upon her during my visit to Washington, D.C., she treated me like a doting aunt would treat a dear nephew.”
The king interrupts his son again, “O dear Mohammad, so this lady Lillian Pinkus and Gary Pinkus from McKinsey are family. God be praised.”
“Yes, my dear father. It must be so. Both noble souls! Instead of asking any office worker to send the message, she emailed me herself a photo of several food products, each bearing the magical letters KSA…”
His father interrupts him again, “God be praised. In America they are putting the name of our kingdom on their foods.”
MbS assures his father, “Yes. O my beloved father, it is only your wisdom and the mercy of God that the Jews who only eat kosher foods have chosen to use KSA to indicate that these foods are lawful for them.
“God be praised. This is another blessing of our friendship with Israel. We cannot find words enough to thank Israel, the way they are keeping Gaza caged… this was another evil pit of democracy. God forbid.”
The king offers his view, “O dearest son, let us consider what God tells us. It is said in the Quran ‘Do you bid other people to be pious, the while you forget your own selves –’ (2:44).
“I mean just see what God has advised us. The Jews, whom we opposed since they returned to their home to their Holy Land, but instead of continuing to hate us, they have ordered that their lawful foods must bear the mark of our kingdom, KSA. God be praised.
“Mohammad, my dearest, I am issuing a decree that only food bearing the KSA stamp will be allowed to be imported into our kingdom. Yes, be it Australia, New Zealand, India or whomsoever, every food must bear the sign of our kingdom, God be praised. [In real life though, KSA stands for Kosher Supervision of America.]
“O my dear Mohammad, once again, I draw your attention to the Quran where God tells us ‘This day are (all) things good and pure made lawful unto you. The food of the People of the Book is lawful unto you and yours is lawful unto them…’ (5:5). So what is lawful for Jews is lawful for us.
“O my dear Mohammad, proclaim to the world immediately that Saudi Arabia will only allow import of food bearing the KSA mark.”