The report that the Indian occupation authority in Kashmir has banned the sale of green material because green symbolizes support for the Pakistani flag, has overjoyed Indian prime minister Narendra Modi.
He wants to take this epoch-making decision further. Accordingly he has called defense minister Nirmala Sitharaman, interior minister Rajnath Singh, chief of the army staff General Bipin Rawat, and intelligence chief Anil Dhasmana for a meeting.
The prime minister, who has gotten a service of his favorite beverage gaou mutra (cow urine) laid out for the company, cannot suppress his elation. He declares, “You all remember that how the media was hurling abuses at me, and how some of own party leaders were going overboard about my decision to appoint Satya Pal Malik as governor of Jammu and Kashmir when he is a Janata Dal leader. They were pressing for someone from our own BJP [Bharatiya Janata Party], or a retired bureaucrat or a retired senior army officer.
“Don’t you see how right I was? This man is a genius! He hit those Pakistani fifth columnists in Kashmir. He has banned the sale of green cloth! Period. Now where will they find the material to wave that Pakistani flag!
“I have called you here that we need to build on this move, especially before the elections. We have to give a clearly worded message to Indians that Pakistan will not be tolerated.
“Our governor is great. He means business. He is going to take legal action against any violators of this ban.
“What I see that our beloved mother, the cow… our gaou mata eat green foliage. I will order our scientists to come up with a saffron alternative… and pronto!”
Interior minister Rajnath Singh quickly offers, “Our beloved and respected prime minister, our Pradhan Mantri, indeed this is a fantastic move. We cannot defile our mothers with green.
“I am sure all of you have read about how the Americans were taking care of the green foliage. They too were going after this awful green thing. They are right when there are forty-five Islamic countries and all going with green!
“Our color is saffron. India is saffron. Our party will make the world saffron.
“You know that in Vietnam, the Americans were going after green with Agent Orange being sprayed on trees. Orange is similar to the top stripe… the saffron stripe in our flag!”
Nirmala Sitharaman, a Brahmin, who has served as party spokesperson, angrily adds, “It was those secularists… those liberals, [MK] Gandhi and [first prime minister of Indian Jawaharlal] Nehru who created that awful tricolor… equal parts of white and green and saffron. Our party would have made it all saffron with Lord Rama in the center!
“We have to undo Congress Party’s mistakes.
“The British were leaving any way. We should have gotten not only all of India, but also Sri Lanka, Nepal, Burma, and Bhutan…
“It was this Nehru! He was obliged to [the last British Viceroy Lord] Mountbatten because he was letting him go with his wife Edwina…”
Modi steps in to continue the discussion of uprooting the color green from India, “I am also banning the production and sales of all green fruit and vegetables… yes, we will ask our scientists to develop their saffron versions.”
General Rawat makes a more deep observation, “You have seen how the Kashmiris are being buried in green cloth. We are accelerating the killings and of course at this rate they will be no more green cloth for their burials.”
Modi continues, “General, all of us and all Indians admire the way you are increasing the kill rate in Kashmir but we can’t wait that long. We have to get the color green off the palette before the elections.
“I am going to announce that Pakistan’s flag represents those Muslims of India who still believe in the Two Nations Theory, and this why only such traitors in many parts of India use this green color.”
General Rawat seeks permission and offers, “Mr. Prime Minister the only way to get the green out is to give me more soldiers in Kashmir. Imagine only one million of us fighting twelve million Kashmiris!”
Modi lifts his glass of gaou mutra and announces, “General, you will all the troops you want and more. And Nirmala, you please call the Pentagon and ask them if they still have supplies of Agent Orange… of course, Donald Trump would love us for ordering defense supplies. Yes, we will get Agent Orange shipped to us pronto and get that green out of sight. We will announce to the world that India can only be saffron!”