No Problem if we Pull Pakistan Under

Maulana Fazlur Rahman, chief of his eponymous faction of the Jamiat Ulema Islam-Fazl, has announced his jihad for the liberation of Pakistan from accountability.

The Maulana has gotten himself invited by his ideal anchor Saleem Safi on his GeoTV program “Jirga with Saleem Safi.”

The Maulana starts, even before Safi could utter his formal introduction, “My dear Saleem, you and only you know how bad it has been since Imran Khan has taken over. Almost five months without diesel permits.

“Ah, those were the days when long lines used to form at the gate of my ministerial mansion in Islamabad… people requesting to buy those permits. I would accept any intercession… no my friend. It is not lawful to favor anyone out of turn. I always got a bidding done. The best price won the bid.

“Yes, Saleem, this is my story. But I have called today to discuss the dismal situation faced by the country.

“God be praised that one dark period in our history is ending on January 17th… we are finally seeing the back of this [chief justice] Saqib Nisar. But… but, I keep hearing that this Asif Saeed Khosa is no better. I even heard things like he has the courage to do justice. You know how such news turn your head.

“But my dear Saleem, I fear that these pharma companies may be behind spreading such stories. They are heartless. They simply want to increase the incidence of blood pressure problems so they can sell more of their medicines!

“OK… Saleem, let me tell you that I never give up. You know how my brother Asif [Zardari] refused to support me for the presidency, only because he thinks that Aitzaz [Ahsan] speaks better English than me. But I can sacrifice anything for unity to free the nation from this accountability.

“My dear Saleem, I visited with my brother Asif for a full half an hour… this was my second meeting with him in less than 24 hours. You know how valuable his time is… he has to manage an international portfolio. I told him that I want to bring both my brothers together, him and Nawaz.”

Safi asks, “My respected Sir… Maulana, but you know that your other brother Nawaz Sharif [perpetual head of his eponymous faction of the Pakistan Muslim League] is not too happy with your brother Asif because he opposed him and got Sanjrani elected as Senate chairman.”

The Maulana is quick to offer, “I know Saleem. But you know, my poor brother Nawaz is suffering. I am told that they are making him clean his own room and confinement area. Some say that they even make him clean his own toilet. Imagine a person who has only lived in palaces!

“You know when I told my brother Asif, he started crying. You know that both he and his little boy Bilawal are on exit control. He said that in the current condition, all complaints should be put aside, and all opposition parties should sit together and carve out a strategy.

“You know everyone agrees… everyone knows about it. Even [information minister] Fawad Chaudhry said that our joint party would be called ARC [the Alliance for Restoration of Corruption].

“You too agree Saleem that restoring corruption is very important. See everyone is scared. Money is gushing out of the country. No one is ready to invest because they don’t know when their own files will be opened. Everyone is concerned about the safety of their money.

“Now I am going to meet with my brother Nawaz… I am on a mission… he understands the urgency of the situation. Only the other day, [former railway minister] Khawaja Saad Rafique was saying that people who have brought Imran Khan’s government are now regretting it. He said that the country has been handed over to incompetent the people. It is nearly five months! In lesser time, both my brothers, Nawaz and Asif would have assigned a few hundred thousand acres of prime land to developers like Malik Riaz.

“You know both my brothers have the gift of finding their way out between the heaps of undeniable evidences against them.

“My dear Saleem, you saw that one article by this retired professor Pervez Hoodbhoy, who has never supported Imran Khan, led to the destruction of so many beautiful houses just because they were located on land owned by the that man’s former university. This is heartless. This development even had a Nayyar Bukhari Road… the Peoples Party senator. Not even the consideration that the great hero of Pakistan Benazir Bhutto had looked aside when they were building there.

“Yes, I will go and tell my brother Nawaz that it is fine that he was hurt by the Sanjrani election, but again what is self-respect compared to money! You tell me.

“I have to explain to him that if we don’t act now we would all be together in prison.

“I am sure he will understand. He has seen his child, his Maryam suffer in jail. He would certainly listen to me. He would not want to see a child without a mother, Bilawal, cleaning bathrooms in jail.

“Of course, he will also understand my pain of living without diesel permits.

“Yes, my dear Saleem, we will work together, we cannot live without our money no matter what. This all what matters… our money. No problem if we pull Pakistan under.”

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