Indian prime minister Narendra Modi has summoned foreign minister Sushma Swaraj, defense minister Nirmala Sitharaman, interior minister Rajnath Singh, chief of the army staff General Bipin Rawat, and intelligence chief Anil Dhasmana for a meeting.
Modi does not seem to be in good mood. The tall glass of his favorite beverage gao mutra (cow urine) stands untouched.
The prime minister gruffly announces, “I need an explanation… no, really explanations. How come that the coalition led by Sheikh Hasina’s Awami League Party won only 288 of 300 seats. Why those 12 seats were lost. This is absolutely disturbing. An inquiry should be held. No… I am not setting up any commissions. I need answers now.
“We did much better in the 1970 elections. The Awami League won 160 seats, when her father Sheikh Mujib fielded 162 candidates for all of the constituencies in East Pakistan.
“Now you have Hasina who lost 115 votes in her own constituency and got only 228,000 votes. Nirmala how can I vacate our forces ringing Bangladesh?”
Sitharaman offers, “O our Pradhan Mantri [prime minister], I am sure that Anil [Dhasmana] must be providing a little flavor … you know how a pinch of salt added to the flour makes the bread tastier.”
Modi thunders, “Nirmala, I am not asking you for recipes! I want answers. How dare the Bengalis forget that we gave them their country… yes, their “country”… Congress let it happen. I would have merged it with our west Bengal.
Swaraj coming to the rescue of her sister cabinet members, hints, “May be the twelve opposition winners must be hugely popular.”
Modi is unrelenting in his anger, “We got 160 out 162 seats for her father [in 1970]… and don’t forget when it was still part of Pakistan. I wanted Hasina to get at least more than 300 seats… now don’t tell me that their house is 300 seats!
“What you all are driving at. Look this cricket captain… Mashrafe Mortaza turns up 8,006 votes short of the total votes cast… he gets just 274,418 votes.
“Can’t you understand this small thing that such dissent may provoke our Bengal [west] to think that they can vote again India.”
Dhasmana keeping his voice to a whisper so not to enrage the prime minister says, “Our dear and most beloved and most respected Pradhan Mantri, isn’t this better than what Hosni Mubarak [of Egypt] used to get… a measly 95% [of the votes].”
Swaraj attempts to temper the boss; anger adds, “O my great leader, the Bengalis are smarter, they give parties a longer rope… see West Bengal Congress ruled for 27 years. The Left ruled for 34 years. TMC [All India Trinamool Congress] has been there seven years. Hasina and her party are there for generations.”
Modi blasts again, “Why are you aggravating me? Congress… the Left… TMC… no! It should have been our party… our BJP [Bharatiya Janata Party] from day one.
“Anil [Dhasmana] can you take are of this dirty dozen [in Bangladesh]? And pronto!
“We cannot afford to have our country… the prime minister seem weak. This Bengal fiasco needs to be fixed and now! Narendra Modi does not accept dissent! Period.
“Instead of offering excuses, what we should be worried is about the trouble that Imran Khan has plotted with this Kartarpur [temple] crossing.
“Our… India’s real heroes are Indians like the Yuva Morcha – our youth wing! See how they scared [actor] Naseeruddin Shah… that traitor who criticized our Hinduization efforts, from attending the [fifth] Ajmer Literature Festival. It was a lovely sight to behold… posters carrying his photos going up in flames.
“Rajnath, your [interior] ministry should expel him to Pakistan. It will make a winning poster for our election… the traitor being kicked into Pakistan at the Wagah border [and finally Modi does the bottom up with his glass of gao mutra].
“Let me digress. You saw how these Pakistanis are. They shot down our quadcopter in Bagh [Kashmir sector along the Line of Control]. There is no sense of decency. When I was young, I always used to crane my neck to see in other peoples’ homes. These days we do this with technology like quadcopters… and these uncouth people are saying that we had sent it to spy on them.
“And we will drown this Pakistani propaganda over the temple crossing. I am getting our party information machinery to let people know that it is the Congress that let Kartarpur go to Pakistan in 1947.
“My destiny has been to fix Congress’ wrongs. Just look at Kashmir. I am going to blind so many of them with our pellet guns that Pakistan will hesitate even owning the Kashmiris.
“I want every Indian to declare that if there is one party that India trusts, it is the BJP.”