Ruling Pakistan is my Assigned Right

Pakistan People’s Party-Parliamentarians President Asif Ali Zardari held a family meeting to discuss the JIT [Joint Investigation Team] focusing on him and his sister, Faryal Talpur, and the recent most summonses to him and his son, Bilawal.

Zardari, who has a few overloaded ashtrays in front of him, a somber mood, and nary a forced smile, starts the discussion, “You all know why people say ek zardari, sub pur bhari (Zardari conquers all singlehandedly). You all know that we are being… I mean this awful trio of Imran Khan, not even fit to captain an Under-15 team, this cheap justice [Saqib Nisar] and their big buddy, [Gen. Qamar Javed] Bajwa… are trying all these tricks against us…

“Faryal, your passport is with them. Bilawal, you have been dragged into this… sheer blasphemy… I say it is sheer blasphemy to question the progeny of our immortal martyrs, Zulfikar Ali Bhutto and you mother [Benazir].

“I am sure they will try to block my… our travel. Look what they did with Hamza [Shahbaz].

“You know, I told them that the jail is my second home [he guffaws] and I have all the medical papers to be driven to PIMS [the country’s premier research-intensive medical university, the Pakistan Institute of Medical Sciences]. My worry is you, Faryal, my baby, Bilawal, God forbid if they ever get hands on you.

“You know, my children there is nothing madness in what your father does. You recall that three years ago [2015], I delivered a hard-hitting speech, reminding the military not to overstep its domain. I told them that army chiefs come and go every three years but the political leadership was here to stay. I also reminded them that we know the country better and we know how to run its affairs.

“This said and the next day, I flew out of the country and spent 18 months in Dubai.”

The youngest Aseefa asks, “But they have even summoned our crown prince…”

Bilawal interjects, “No Aseefa, I am not the crown prince, I am the ruler apparent… in our Shia faith we have the hidden imam… I am that hidden ruler… Imran Khan is not just selected but also in fact the selected imposter. Only our grandpa’s progeny are the legitimate rulers of Pakistan. Let facts talk… our grandpa founded Pakistan on December 16,1971 [surrender of East Pakistan].”

Zardari hugs his son tightly, kisses him profusely and continues, “My son has spoken like a true Bhutto, and people criticize me for adding Bhutto to your names. “December should be celebrated instead of crying for East Pakistan… December 16, Bhuttoism came to shine… came to glory!

“So now you understand that why I warned the three stooges… Imran, Saqib Nisar and Bajwa. We own Pakistan.

“I have warned them against our character assassination. If you do not stop, I will come out with a list of accused generals since Pakistan’s creation.

“You know how I put this Saqib in his right mind that instead of victimizing the true heirs of our immortal martyrs, he should be concerned about the 900,000 cases pending in the judicial system. What right does he have to demolish developments and buildings we allowed… haven’t they paid their dues… haven’t our offshore accounts received them?

“I have warned the three that they should also not try to create hurdles for us, the real politicians.

“Do they forget that rivers of milk and honey were flowing during my tenure? Do they forget how many poor people have been told that they have billions in their bank accounts? Only I know how to run the country!

“We accepted the execution of Zulfikar Ali Bhutto and did not fight against it because we did not want institutions to be weakened. And this is why, we did not go after the killers of your mother.

“I am sure this defeat… our getting Shahbaz Sharif installed as [parliamentary] public accounting committee chair will put Imran’s head in the right direction. At least, Shahbaz cannot even whisper a word against us.”

“Yes, Sindh is ours and our [chief minister] Murad [Ali Shah] is there to ensure that no one gets any files on us, but caution is always the way.

“Now that I have warned the three stooges, Imran, Saqib and Bajwa, we should find a way to Dubai and from there we go to London…”

Aseefa interjects, “Daddy, we should go to our chateau in Normandy… it is always so lovely there.”

Zardari adds, “Yes, my dearest, but first we must get to London while [Theresa] May is still prime minister. She was Benazir’s close friend and will never let us down… once in London… or as Aseefa wants, in our Manoir de la Reine Blanche [Manor of the White Queen, the 16th-century chateau, built for the widow of King Philippe VI], we will launch our radio and television programs on satellite to remind the people of Pakistan… I mean Sindh… that ruling Pakistan is my assigned right.”

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