Former president and Pakistan People’s Party (PPP) co-chairman Asif Ali Zardari has called the former three times prime minister and head of his eponymous faction of the Pakistan Muslim League, Mian Nawaz Sharif to stress that they need closer cooperation as he doubts Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI) government would complete its five-year term.
An elated Zardari declares excitedly, “We need to meet soon and revive our Charter for Democracy because I don’t see Imran Khan being able to manage his government for long.
“My dear Mian Sahib, you see in my first ten days, and he was saying 100 days, how many buildings and towns, I got re-named after your sister, Benazir… you remember. Only public toilets were left out of this campaign. This reminds me that when I return, I will do that campaign too right away.”
Nawaz Sharif chimes in, “You remember how many orange lines and rapid bus lines I had launched within a week.”
Zardari declares, “I am BA, or BS, or MA, or MS from London School of Education and I know that in today’s world, a government that does not deliver has to step down. Just look at Thar how we have delivered population control… now the chief justice Saqib Nasir is saying that he will take suo moto over family planning. We did that in Thar even without any suo moto although I have so many famous lawyers in my party.
“And Mian Sahib, what about Imran Khan’s ten million jobs. Zero up to now. See how many people I hired in PIA… I told them, don’t count how many planes you have, just count how many people can change a light bulb. ”
Nawaz Sharif, taking a satisfying sip of lassi exults, “You are right my brother, only we know how to create jobs. See immediately… I mean five seconds after I took over as prime minister, I hired more than 500 people to work in the prime minister’s house. This is called real job creation.”
Zardari hurriedly puts down his cigarette and chimes, “Yes, Mian Sahib, only we have this job creation ability. My first move was to put thousands of our party loyalists on the payrolls of schools… yes, there were no schools but at least there were school employees!
“My dear Mian Sahib, Imran is incapable of understanding political issues. He is simply trying to be a king after reading two books. You know when I married Benazir, I became First Husband, and it was not a minor job! You know how much time ladies have to spend in make up and all, and not only, I was running the government singlehandedly, but I was also growing my international real estate portfolio. You should know that it was remarkable because when I came into government, my only experiences was sales… just my smile used to sell so many Bambino cinema tickets. But now I was buying top class real estate in England, in Dubai, in France, in USA… and the offshore entities.”
Nawaz Sharif offers, “Indeed, my brother. Both of us are admirable. When General Ziaul Haq made me finance minister of Punjab, I would call Ishaq Dar who was the accountant at our Abbaji’s factory to make the budget for me. He is such a nice person that he would make it on small slips and I would take them out of my pocked and read out these slips in the assembly. You know, it is so nice that no one pays attention because I usually ended up mixing these pieces of paper but the budget was passed!”
Zardari adds, “Yes, my brother, the real thing is what we are giving to ourselves and our family and friends, saying yes to the budget is just a formality. Imran can never understand such things.
“No, my brother, Imran has no sense. You see how I transferred the party, which they used to call the ‘Party of Bhutto’ in my name… and in the name of my children.”
Nawaz Sharif offers, “Do you see Imran shambolic foreign policy. Didn’t he know that there are general elections in India and he invites his friend Navjot Singh Sidhu for the groundbreaking ceremony of the Kartarpur Corridor? Naturally, Sidhu is cricketer like him who has no political acumen, and he is praising Imran Khan, which is making my friend Modi angry. Only because, once Imran hit Sidhu very hard in his stomach with a fast ball, he had to do this but he made the prime minister of Indian angry.
“My dear brother Asif, you remember, every time any American president would tell us to do more, we would tell him that you are welcome to drone. What Imran did, he started arguing with Trump. OK, so now Trump is saying help us make a negotiated settlement of the Afghan war. Is this a wise move? You know all the big companies want more wars because then how will they run their weapons factories. By making peace, Imran will make them angry and they will whisper against Pakistan in Trump’s ear.”
Zardari exultantly declares, “My dear Mian Sahib, here lies our opportunity. The media is angry with him… no advertising… no envelopes… so the media is working for us… they miss their gifts.
“Imran is making everyone angry and one day they will ask us to come back. I tell you that happy days will come again.”