The report that the CIA has concluded that Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman (MBS) had ordered the assassination of journalist Jamal Khashoggi in Istanbul, has created a stir in Riyadh.
The news has stirred more than hopes in the more than a few aspirants of the royal egal — the black cord, worn doubled, to keep a ghutrah in place on the wearer’s head.
A concerned MBS, who is also deputy prime minister, minister of defense and chairman of the Council for Economic and Development Affairs, and chairman of the Council of Political and Security Affairs, fearful of his perch, has brought Jared Kushner [President Trump’s son-in-law], whom he considers a bosom friend rather a brother, and his younger brother, Prince Khalid bin Salman, the kingdom’s ambassador in Washington, D.C., on secured video-link.
MBS hurriedly blurts out, “My dear Jared, I never expected this. Here I am doing everything to secure the kingdom for America and your CIA creates this issue!
“All along, I had been hearing that our one-hundred-ten billion dollar order was dear to our dear Abu Ivanka… your father-in-law. Only last month, he had said that he doesn’t want this arms deal that you brokered with us to unravel over Jamal, especially when so far we have made only about fifteen billion in purchases. You know, when I give a word to Americans, I don’t relent. Yes, that is a big order and I was getting things going to send more orders. I am keeping the Yemen war alive… I can start Qatar too… you name it.
“Now Khalid is telling me that he is hearing that government officials have expressed high confidence in the CIA assessment.
“Jared, I had full confidence that our dear Abu Ivanka will silence all troublemakers. He had even said that he doesn’t like stopping such a big investment into the United States because we may take that money and spend it in Russia or China, or someplace else.
“Yes, last month, even your brother-in-law Eric had said that the country should not throw away its relationship over this Jamal thing. He had also stressed that we count when the U.S. is starved for reliable allies in our region.
“Jared, you know, how this liberal media is attacking our Abu Ivanka. It is fake news that I asked Khalid to call Jamal that he should go to the Saudi consulate in Istanbul for his documents.
“No. Khalid only congratulated him for finding a thirty-six year old at his fifty-nine! Just a ribbing among dear friends… like if he will be needing Viagra and all…
“Jared you know our dad is 82. He can’t bear such shocks. I have therefore blocked all TV channels to the palace; he can only watch Disney and the all entertainment E News… I think he is taking much interest in the American show… Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”
Jared interjects, “Mo [his nickname for MBS] I perfectly know that you are most loyal to us… most loyal to America. No doubt this is why Col. Lawrence chose your grandfather over others… you family has the allegiance genes. But you have been to school here, you visit so often, you know that every president starts campaigning for his second term as soon as the winning votes flash on screens. Dad [Trump] is no exception. You know how the media is hounding him. He has his heart on 2020.
“I know… I know, before being hacked for disposal, Jamal was injected with an overdose of a sedative that killed him, but this will not be enough to satisfy the media. You know he wrote for the Washington Post. Any leniency showed by my Dad would have the media up in arms.”
MBS offers, ”Yes, Jared, I know Bezos owns the Post… Amazon is his big baby. I can inject any amount he wants.”
Kushner adds, “My dear Mo, please try to understand, Dad needs to carry a pure image for 2020, when the media and the Democrats are keeping all these Stormy [Daniels] and other stuff fresh… there are fiends like [CNN White House correspondent] Jimmy Acosta…
“Mo, you forget what Dad said in October… yes, that was last month… a Saudi king can’t last fifteen days without our support.
“With this [CIA] report, you are bad for Dad’s image at home elsewhere… we will have no problem in finding another useful person from you clan… what you are like six thousand souls or so… he can adopt even someone from your grandfather’s sisters’ line… don’t keep thinking of the orders… whoever will be there, will keep signing.
“Dad has been talking to [Secretary of State] Mike Pompeo and [CIA chief] Gina Haspel that the first order of work for [U.S. ambassador in Riyadh] Gen. John Abizaid will to select a suitable replacement… you know at West Point, he was called ‘mad Arab’… he will tell you everything in Arabic!”
A shocked MBS whispers, “Jared… really… Jared… [while talking, MBS messages foreign minister Adel Al-Jubeir to welcome the general with a ($55 million) Graff Diamonds Hallucination watch, and his wife Kathy (with a five million dollar ladies Patek Caliber 89].
“Jared, can I do anything to fix this thing… recognize Israel right now… I can even divorce my wife and marry your [sister-in-law] Tiffany to assure you of my loyalty… be part of your family…”
Jared states firmly, “Sorry, Mo it had to come to this but it is a matter of names, we know that your grandpa’s genes are genes of compliance … the moment, the general hints, a line of applicants will form before embassy.
“Yes, McKinsey Consultants, who were your buddies, will continue working with your replacement.”
MBS doesn’t notice but Kushner has got off the line, meanwhile, his head in his hands, MBS blurts, “Jared… please think… I am ready… an arm and a leg… anything!”