Responding to the SOS about the threat to democracy in Pakistan, Maulana Fazlur Rahman, chief of his eponymous faction of the Jamiat- Ulema-i Islam has rushed to Islamabad to stand with Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP) co-chairman Asif Ali Zardari.
Zardari, on his 15th cigarette since entering his home office, having hardly had a wink of sleep, relieved to see the Maulana, rushes to hug him, declaring, “Maulana, we, the democratic forces have a [Prophet] Noah like responsibility to save the country from Imran Khan and this cheap justice… this overlord of supreme court… Saqib Nisar… you know what he has done to my sister [Faryal Talpur] and me under the guise of this fake accounts case?
“He set up this joint investigation team (JIT) to conduct an investigation into this case. I was taking it lightly because Sindh belongs to us and his JIT would get nowhere.
“Lo and behold, like a crybaby, Ahsaan Sadiq [JIT head], complained to the Supreme Court about our government’s lack of cooperation in getting access to the record. He said we were providing information piecemeal. So what was he expecting? Is he dealing with fools… idiots…!
“Do these people think that Asif Ali Zardari is a toddler who tells everything… like the children who sing ‘Now, I know my ABC’, and recite the entire alphabet aloud?
“Maulana, the JIT is asking for details of each contract our government has signed since 2008, even like any contract to paint an official room.
“I never benefited from Pervez Musharraf’s National Reconciliation Order because I have nothing in my name ever! ”
To assure Zardari that he is ready to go all the way with him, the Maulana takes off his inseparable turban, placing it on the table, he caresses his bare head with the cool glass of water, declaring, “This needs more than two heads, we need to gather all the democratic forces of the country.
“Imagine, a JIT investigating the first president to complete a full five-year term! My brother Asif, I see more than this Saqib Nisar behind it… this is Imran Khan… his crazy instigation.”
Zardari, furiously puffing on his cigarette, offers, “Maulana, I have assigned six of my best lawyers on this case… and of course, we have Sindh and our advocate general Salman Talibuddin is there. But I also consulted my psychiatrist, Dr. Ghulam Khushamud, chairman of the Shaheed Jeeay Bhutto Institute for the Development of the Criminal Mind, to find why Imran is so singularly focused on what he calls corruption. He tells me that he is a case of scelerophobia, which means the fear of burglars, bad men or crime in general. The word scelerophobia, he says, is derived from Latin, ‘scelero’ which means ‘wickedness or crime’ and ‘phobos’ which means ‘deep dread or fear’. I am asking [Sindh chief minister] Murad Ali Shah to place more [government] advertising in the media, and send the right stuff to the anchors, before asking them to invite Khushamud in talk shows so he tells the world that Imran is a mental case.”
The Maulana, raises his fist, and declares, “Indeed, after all everyone agrees that Ek Zardari sub pur bhari [one Zardari is enough to overpower all]. This is a capital idea! I would add that the liberals love your party, and you need to get them going in supporting Dr. Khushamud’s findings.
“The country cannot afford Imran Khan any longer… our poor Shahbaz [Sharif, leader of the opposition in the National Assembly] is in lockup and now NAB [National Accountability Bureau] has filed an appeal against our bother Nawaz Sharif’s bail.”
Zardari adds, “My dear Maulana, no doubt you have the real foresight. I will immediately ask [senator] Sherry [Rehman] to marshal our liberal forces.
“Maulana, this Saqib and Imran will not stop. Do you know what this Ahsaan, their JIT head, told the court that the transactions did not match the account holders’ profiles and they appeared to have acted as instruments for parking illegal money… so JIT is trying to reach to the ‘end beneficiary’… of course, yours truly!
“Instead of doing his job, this cheap justice in coming to Karachi to stress that the JIT is working under his Supreme Court’s mandate. He directed all our provincial government secretaries, including our chief secretary, to appear before him along with the record required by the JIT. This Saqib even threatened Murad of stern action if he gave us any concession in this case. But Murad has before him the great example of our hero Yusuf Raza Gilani, who sacrificed his prime ministership to defend my Swiss accounts.”
The Maulana, again placing the cool glass of water on his bare head, offers, “Indeed, after the passage of the 18th Amendment no one, not even any Divine power, has the right to question your Sindh government.
“My brother Asif, your call to all political parties to devise a unanimous strategy to protect the country from the clutches of this undemocratic force, Imran Khan and his Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI) government… I can never get around calling him prime minister… is fantastic! He is a terror laying waste to our way of life! I can understand… I heard that now you sleep under your bed… one’s safety is supreme.
“My dear brother Asif, Thank you for making me the coordinator of this holy campaign. I am ready to take an IOU on my diesel licenses… once we are in power, I am getting the petroleum ministry.
“My dear brother Asif, you are expert, you should also get your lobbyist and public relations consultant in Washington, DC to win over Trump… scare him that Imran is a fundamentalist. At home, your liberals can publish articles daily on this.
“Now even Nawaz has no influence in Saudi Arabia, we only have you as our savior. We have to STOP Imran Khan from keeping our hands out of the public till.”