We will Leave Nothing Muslim-Sounding in India

Indian prime minister Narendra Modi is holding a video conference to congratulate Uttar Pradesh chief minister Yogi Adityanath – who is also an ordained priest — for renaming Allahabad, a city of more than one million people in his province, as Prayagraj.

Present with Modi are federal minister of state for culture Dr. Mahesh Sharma, minister for human resource development (formerly ministry of education) Prakash Javadekar, and minister of state for information and broadcasting Col. (ret.) Rajyavardhan Rathore.

Like any other members of the ruling Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP), they are also ecstatic about this change.

The city, home of India’s first prime minister Jawaharlal Nehru, located 650 km southeast of the Indian capital New Delhi, was named Allahabad by Mughal rulers in the 16th century.

Its new name, Prayagraj, refers to the confluence of the Ganges and Yamuna rivers, the site of the Hindu mega-festival Kumbh Mela, which takes place in January.

Culture minister Dr. Sharma, the first applaud the Yogi, declares, “Respected Yogi Adityanath you are doing a fantastic job of wiping off the Muslim presence from the face of Mother India. The adoption of the name Prayagraj is not enough. We will ban all references to Allahabad… there is this Allahabad high court… then there are some writers and poets like Akbar Allahabadi… henceforth, if anyone wants publish his poetry collection, then the name has to be Akbar Prayagraji. No exceptions, absolutely!

“It was a timely to rename Mughalsarai Railway Station in honor of our great thinker Deendayal Upadhyay [of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS), the ruling party’s parent organization].”

The prime minister doubles down on his appreciation, “We are the ones who obliterated the [600 year old] Babri Mosque, no one can stop us. We will be wipe out all traces of Muslim presence from the face of Mother India.

“I am directing the Ministry of Civil Aviation and the Airports Authority of India to immediately act on your request to rename the Bareilly, Kanpur and Agra [defense] airports. My dear Adityanath you have no equal in crafting a pure Hindu India.

“Yes Bareilly… the city of our Lord Shiva… its airport will be Nath Nagri.

“Kanpur’s Chakeri airport will honor our freedom fighter Ganesh Shankar Vidyarthi. “Just keep going… all this is good electioneering work!”

Adityanath thanks the prime minister and informs, “My respected Pardhan Mantri (prime minister), in the flurry of successes, I had sort of overlooked this university… Aligarh… I am told that Ali is the name of fourth Caliph of Islam. May Ram forgive us, why on earth, we have allowed this name to continue, and especially when Muslims take pride in their Aligarh, the attribution with Ali was not enough that these invaders built a Muslim university there… Aligarh Muslim University. Aligarh is an eyesore that needs to be corrected immediately.

“Therefore, I have assigned our Benaras Hindu University (BHU) to research why of all countries, our motherland has an Aligarh. They tell me that before the 18th century, it was known as Kol and was ruled by the Dor Rajputs. It was known as one of the most celebrated fortresses of Hind. They found that in 1194, Qutb-ud-din Aibak marched from Delhi and occupied Kol and appointed it’s the first Muslim governor.

“I am therefore renaming Aligarh as Kol; and of course this university will become Kol Hindu University. At the same time, I have assigned Dr. Ajay Pratap, professor of history at BHU to prepare a revised text to cleanse all references to its Muslim past.”

The minister for human resource development Javadekar applauds Adityanath and offers, “My Pardhan Mantri, we should ban calling our country Hindustan, because first it is a Persian… Farsi usage; and more importantly, we look like this or that, Ram forbid, Muslim ‘istan… Pakistan… Uzbekistan… and what!

“Col. Rathore, your information ministry can advise all media to refrain from mentioning that Muslims make up more than 15 percent of our population… especially that they number about 180 million. All this is very disturbing, and seriously impinges on our status as a Hindu country.”

The colonel makes his declaration, “This is a very pertinent suggestion. I would also make sure that we ban Muslims from calling themselves Muslims because the word means anyone or anything that submits itself to the true will of Allah. Absolutely there is no place for Allah in our republic. Not only that, this Muslim… this Islam are Arabic words that are incongruent with our pure heritage.

“Our Pardhan Mantri, there is more to it than being an Arabic word. These kucchi maintain that submission to the will of Allah, together with obedience to His beneficial Law, i.e., becoming a Muslim, is the best safeguard for man’s peace and harmony. This is an anathema to our creed… an anathema to our Mother India.

“We should order that they identify themselves as kuchh bhi [whatever]… in time, it will become kuchhi, and they will be reduced to be known as such.”

The prime minister offers his wisdom, “We will not only enact all these regulations, but I will also issue an ordinance banning the use of the word ‘Allah’ in any context. This is a winner in many ways. The Evangelists, who form the core of Trump’s electorate, will jubilate over this law. They say that Allah is a moon god. We win more admirers in America!”

The prime minister lifting his favorite beverage gau mutra (cow urine) in toast, thunders, “We will leave nothing Muslim-sounding in India.”

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