Mohammed bin Salman (MbS), Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, deputy prime minister, president of the Council for Economic and Development Affairs and minister of defense, is meeting with interior minister Prince Abdulaziz bin Saud bin Nayef, who is also son of a first cousin, to discuss the realm’s security situation. Even before they could lift their finjans of the qahwa that news flashed that their beloved Abu Ivanka … President Trump had stated the obvious that Saudi Arabia’s king “might not be there for two weeks” if it was not for American military support. He also told a cheering crowd, “We protect Saudi Arabia, would you say they’re rich?” Not just that, he stressed, “…we’re protecting you. You have to pay for your military, you have to pay.”
Prince Abdulaziz offers his view, “We can appreciate that not only we need Abu Ivanka but also we need him to continue beyond 2020, and especially win big in next month’s… November by-elections. Surely he is concerned as crude oil prices are reaching a four-year high, and could go up to $100 a barrel as the world’s production is already stretched… of course his beautiful sanctions on Iran’s oil take effect in early November. You are my elder but I would suggest that we can tell Abu Ivanka that we will invoice him at world prices and he can pay us what he deems fit. Thus, we will not seen to be caving in because the payments will go directly to the companies from whom we have ordered his beautiful weapons. Nothing will be public for the nitpickers to worry about!”
MBS lifts his qahwa cup and declares, “O my dear Abdulaziz bin Saud bin Nayef, I chose well. You are the real thing. This is an excellent idea.
“Abu Ivanka said that we should increase our production to 2,000,000 barrels a day. I will call him and say what is 2,000,000, we will double that and more as he orders! “I have no worries that the United Kingdom, Russia, France, China, Germany and the European Union are opposing the Iran sanctions. Abu Ivanka will take care of them. They know it!
“We have to do exactly what Abu Ivanka desires. As Christians say that Jesus [‘alayhi as-salam] is their Savior, Abu Ivanka is our Savior… the Patron Saint of the House of Salman! God bless. “The other news that just came off the ticker is, that nuisance… the International Court of Justice (ICJ) says America must remove of its choosing any impediment to the free exportation to Iran of goods involving humanitarian concerns.”
MBS guffaws and adds, “Wow… Abu Ivanka does not recognize the ICJ… we too don’t, and they know they have no enforcement power.
“My dear Abdulaziz you mentioned the nitpickers. This was exactly on my mind. “Jamal Khashoggi… who called himself a veteran Saudi journalist, and went into self- exile in the United States last year to avoid arrest, threw himself into our net. He walked into our consulate in Istanbul and he is on way to lockup!
“This is a good job, my dear!
“This Essam al-Zamel too is in the coop. In some western media he was being described as an engaged economist and successful businessman, a serial entrepreneur and social media star. So he assumed he had the audacity to use his expertise in finance to punch holes in my growth visions. Like Khashoggi, he had criticized my policies.
“Abdulaziz continue your good work. Lock up any Saudi found talking to any foreign media. “I agree when they say that educated people like al-Zamel pose a threat… I don’t know why our family sent Saudis to schools, especially overseas… he was going for a doctorate in economics.
“Abdulaziz, you really punched him hard… charging him for being a member of the Ikhwaan al-Muslimeen [Muslim Brotherhood] and with ties to Qatar… may be he is on the Emir’s payroll [Sheikh Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani].
“He is real trouble. He publicly criticized my Vision 2030… he found faults with my plan to the take our oil company, Aramco, public to raise $2 trillion.
“He is truly seditious… he actually encouraged Sunnis to pray at Shia mosques and Shias to pray at Sunni mosques. Next he would be saying that my father pray behind this Hassan Rouhani [president of Iran]. Really puerile mind!
“Instead of war, he preached peace. God forbid.
“We can also add that in America, he took part in Senator Bernie Sanders’ rallies… when this man calls himself a democratic socialist! Our kingdom does not believe in these notions absolutely!
“All such nonsense has to end. We should follow in the footsteps of our great benefactors. Our Sovereign, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth holds the title of Defender of the Faith and Supreme Governor of the Church of England.
“I am therefore asking father [King Salman] to issue a decree that as the Defender of Islam, he is the head of the Permanent Committee for Islamic Research and Issuing Fatwas.
“Yes, Abdul-Aziz ibn Abdullah Al ash-Sheikh can retain his title of Grand Mufti, but word of the King will prevail… which I will be.
“You know Thomas Friedman of NYT [New York Times] was good in his last interview with me. We share our love for Israel. He visited me for his second interview. I told him that Saudi Arabia respects freedom of choice. Absolutely. Freedom of choice means hear and obey or lose your head.”