Upon landing from New York, Saudi foreign minister Adel al-Jubeir has rushed to the office of Crown Prince Mohammad Bin Salman (MBS), who is also the First Deputy Prime Minister, President of the Council for Economic and Development Affairs and Minister of Defense to present his report on his U.S. visit.
“Your Royal Highness, I was invited to address the Council on Foreign Relations in New York City. Your Highness, I was blunt. I told them that the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia…err the House of Salman is not a democracy but we are an absolute monarchy. Your Highness, you know countries like the United States, the United Kingdom and a few others were stung by this infatuation with Greece… imagine of all places Greece! It is basically a small shopkeeper’s economy. They’ve had ten years of economic recession… you know that euro-area finance ministers met in Brussels to discuss Greece’s economic progress and iron out the final aspects of the bailout.
“Your Highness, so of all places these great countries, our benefactors and idols, especially United States and the United Kingdom fell for this democracy thing. You know the land of our most respected Queen Elizabeth had ruled very many countries and they copied this Greek thing… Canada is among these copiers!
“Your Highness, I consulted our advisors, McKinsey Company about this nasty Greek export, and they told me that the democracy which these countries are worshiping is not the real Greek version. Ancient Athens, McKinsey told me, only allowed a very small group of men resident in Athens the vote. Women and foreigners were excluded.”
MBS interjects, “So the Greeks were once the wise people. Like all wise people, only allowed a very small group of men resident in Athens to rule and they kept women and foreigners in their places.”
“Indeed Your Highness, may be we assign McKinsey to find where the fine Greek system mutilated and because of this we have self-puffed up people like this Justin [Trudeau, prime minister of Canada] ruling big countries.
“Your Highness, I told the Council that everyone including Canada should know that you cannot ever grow bananas on date palms. So how are they assuming that the House Salman… our Kingdom is a banana… of things a republic when all we have is oil and date palms and we will obey their command to respect human rights in our realm?”
MBS interjects again, “Adel you really spoke well. God be praised. Praised by the House of Salman. Really how did this Justin get elected as prime minister of quite a big country that he thought that bananas grew on date palms and was treating us like banana… of all things, a republic!
“Adel, I am sure this poor Justin has no access to our Abu Ivanka [President Trump] that he said this totally absurd thing that Canada will always stand up for human rights… He is next door and didn’t he hear that Abu Ivanka say that this United Nations’ Human Rights Council is nothing but one insulting the most beautiful people like Benjamin Netanyahu.
“Adel, I checked with McKinsey… what great consultants they are… they told me that Canada has still not lost its flavor of treating its early people… now they call them First Nations… with utter disdain. Perhaps Justin thinks that not only we are a banana something but we are also First… a new Nation. But indeed we are the First and Greatest Nation shining under the glory of the House of Salman.
“Your Highness, I proudly copied the golden words that our Abu Ivanka’s National Security Adviser John Bolton that he used in warning that Iran that it could have hell to pay. I told them that if Justin does not stop treating us like a banana something then he would have hell to pay.
“Your Highness, addressing Justin, I said that do we ask the Canadian people to do this or eat potatoes chips with mayonnaise instead of ketchup.”
MBS, putting his cellphone aside, added, “Adel, you did an excellent job, my man.”
“Your Highness, now the United States… our friend… on the one hand, Abu Ivanka keeps reminding us that we buy beautiful American weapons, but on the other hand, we get [U.S. secretary of state] Pompeo telling us that Gulf unity is necessary and we need to achieve it and that the dispute with Qatar needs to end.”
“Yes, Adel, this Pompeo demand is outrageous. Peace… peace… democracy… democracy… and this crazy thing, human rights… human rights. Rubbish! I have to go down in the history books of the House of Salman, not only as the first field marshal of the Arabs but indeed the Field Marshal of Yemen and Qatar. We can’t end any war! This is absolutely strange when he has been the CIA director… he knows better.
“Your Highness, I most politely and most reverently in keeping with his exalted station told Mr. Pompeo what I told Justin that he is ill-informed that we are a banana something because you cannot ever grow bananas on date palms.”