The Royal Family Ltd., a.k.a. The Queen Corporation is having its staff meeting at Buckingham Palace. Present are the monarch, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh, who has been wheeled in on account of his outreach to the OAP (old age pensioners) slice of the market, Prince of Wales Charles and Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, Prince William and Katherine, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, Prince Harry and Meghan, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, Princess Royal Anne, Prince Andrew, Duke of York, and Prince Edward, Earl of Wessex and Sophie, the Countess.
Also present are Sir Trevor-Hydes Serpentsworth, director general of Royal Bureau of Public Relations, Sir Worsted-Thorne Tweedenham [Tweedy], director of Middle East markets, Sir Jake Clewless, director of American Outreach, and Lady Bunny Pottsworth, director of Outreach to the American Female.
The meeting is focused on increasing the corporation’s share of the American market.
Sir Trevor-Hydes begins the proceedings laying out the marketing plan, “We have the Duchess of Sussex as a valuable asset for the American market. She is not only an American but also straddles both the white and black segments of that market.”
The Queen offers her words, “We have to get more dollars coming. I don’t know who advised them to name their currency thus… I may forgive these Americans … and may be even Canadians… the germs carried across their border, but the Australians and New Zealanders having dollars! Not pretty at all. I wish I could have set my corgis upon them. Imagine my portrait on a piece of paper called the dollar!
“Yes, this day of infamy was October 19, 1781, when the [British General] Charles Cornwallis surrendered in Yorktown, Virginia. I don’t know why was he imagining that our ships were coming from New York to rescue him. He had 8,000 troops!
“What we get out of Cornwallis’ shame … yes even a mongrel … Meghan, I don’t mean you because your father is white! Obama… the Kenyan and that too the grandson of a man who waged war to stop our civilizing mission to those people.
“And now they have the orange man, grandson of a German barber, who says that he is half-Scott. Of course, he never mentions that his mother’s parents were from the remote Scottish Outer Hebrides, a majority Gaelic-speaking community, where they don’t speak English.”
Lady Bunny, a dyed-in-the-deep royalist, presented her assessment of the American market, “Your Majesty, it was indeed a masterstroke of His Royal Highness, the Duke of Sussex to bring into our corporation… err … I apologize… our Royal Family, Her Highness the Duchess. The American female is rushing to buy every British brand she wears. I am sure, a visit to America by their royal highnesses would be a hands down win.”
Sir Trevor-Hydes quickly offers his observation, “Your Majesty, indeed the addition of an experienced actor has made the difference. Your Majesty you saw the Duke and Duchess of Sussex playing the Grenfell Tower survivors so well. It was swift, Your Majesty, all that talk about loss and inflammable cladding was brushed under by the cookbook event. To top it, Her Highness very thoughtfully invited her mother Ms. Doria Ragland, which really added great warmth—the astute actress she has been.
“Your Majesty, their highnesses are proving to be a great marketing tool.
“It would not be out place to mention that never before have a mother and daughter commanded the royal stage so spectacularly as her mother and the Duchess did at Kensington Palace.”
“On our revenue side, we have this summer parade of Arabs flashing their fancy cars, which we made for them anyway. Not just it is good revenue for our air transport, and hotels and restaurants, and of course shops, but also for our police with their penchant for garnering parking citations. I hear that the Arabs prize our London citations and get them framed from bespoke shops here to display them in their palaces, harems, and mansions.
“Tweedy do you know who initiated this business for our fair isles? Our late and much lamented Sir Trevorr-Baily Jestsstorm. He let it be known to the Arabs that Her Majesty, the Monarch, loves to spy on their cars from behind the curtains from her palace.
“Tell me what more does an Arab want than to be appreciated by Her Majesty, the Queen.”
Sir Jake [Clewless] offering the result of his research adds, “We will be aggressively promoting His Royal Highness, the Prince of Wales’ Duchy Organic health foods line in America where there is so much obsession on living longer and body consciousness and the like.
“Your Majesty, in closing, we should appreciate the services being rendered by His Royal Highness, Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge. Producing children regularly is a winner for British children’s clothing lines.”
The meeting closes as the Queen slips her corgi another treat.