We Will Make Imran Khan Look Small

Indian prime minister Narendra Modi has summoned a meeting in his bedroom in his official residence, Rashtrapati Bhawan.

Present are minister of defense Nirmala Sitharaman, minister of external affairs Sushma Swaraj, minister of information and broadcasting Rajyavardhan Rathore, chief of the army staff General Bipin Rawat, and India’s external intelligence agency, the Research and Analysis Wing (RAW) chief Anil Dhasmana.

The prime minister is conducting the meeting from his bed. A tall glass of his favorite gao mutra [cow urine in plain English] rests on his bedside table.

The prime minister has not got out of bed since Imran Khan, prime minister of neighboring Pakistan, responding to India’s cancellation of the meeting between Pakistani and Indian foreign ministers on the sidelines of the United Nations General Assembly, tweeted: ‘Disappointed at the arrogant and negative response by India to my call for resumption of the peace dialogue. However, all my life I have come across small men occupying big offices who do not have the vision to see the larger picture.’

The mood is somber as prime minister Modi has been deeply affected by the ‘small men’ remark.

Minister of defense Nirmala Sitharaman starts the conversation, “Modiji, I tell you, I have never trusted this Imran Khan. We were thinking that someone whose only life pursuit has been playing cricket would not be that dangerous.

“I tell you that he has been scheming since long to hoodwink our nation. I am sure all of you remember how he created an impression of his innocence when India was playing Pakistan in Lahore on December 22 in 1989. He got Krishnamachari Srikkanth… our Kris… out and then he called him back and invited him to play… and on the next ball he got him out again.

“No…no… this was a well-planned subterfuge to befool the Indian nation that he is a simple-minded person. He called back Kris because he knew he would send him back to the pavilion. The very next ball he asks Waqar Yunus to bowl and Kris is out again.

“No… no… People are saying that it was a rare incident in cricket history and it shows the real sportsman spirit of Imran Khan. It is nothing but subterfuge, I tell you. This man is not like Nawaz Sharif or Asif Zardari. They are so gentle. Any talk of money would soften them. Imran Khan is very cunning.

“So he is insulting you Modiji by calling you ‘small man’ only because you are five foot and seven inches and he is six foot and one inch tall. He is letting his tongue out only because of a six inch difference!”

Chief of the army staff General Bipin Rawat, “Your Excellency, Imran Khan has insulted our prime minister and we have to teach him a lesson and make him look much smaller than you.”

Research and Analysis Wing (RAW) chief Anil Dhasmana, “Your Excellency, I assure you that it is never a problem for RAW. We can do anything for the sake of India’s glory!”

The entire gathering raises a full throat Jai Hind [Hail India] shout. Prime minister Modi responds by raising his glass of gao mutra and toasting to the health of the present.

Dhasmana continues, “Your Excellency, I retrieve your wise words from my memory when you said that India has much longer history of plastic surgery than any other civilization on the face of this earth.

“Indeed a tantalizing and living example of this Indian excellence in plastic surgery is our Lord Ganesha, the blessed son born to Shiva and Parvati. We all know that by worshiping Ganesha, one can remove all obstacles and difficulties.

“It is simply a wondrous act of Indian plastic surgeons that they gave the elephant-head to this god and he became blessed with the qualities of removing all obstacles and difficulties.”

Prime minister Modi raises his glass of gao mutra and once again toasts to the health of the present.

“Your Excellency, I propose that our great Indian plastic surgeons should increase your height to six feet and seven inches then we will see who Imran Khan calls small man!”

The minister of information and broadcasting Rajyavardhan Rathore offered, “Your Excellency, indeed our chief of RAW is a genius beyond imagination but I would say that making our prime minister only six inches taller than Imran Khan may not register much. Does anyone remember how high he used to hop in the air before letting the ball go from his grip?”

Minister of external affairs Sushma Swaraj quickly adding her support for Rathore’s plea adds, “I would say that our prime minister should be elevated to seven feet and seven inches! Now ask Imran Khan his height … our Modiji will be one-a-half-foot taller than him!”

Once again, the entire gathering raises a full throated Jai Hind [Hail India] shout and the prime minister raises his glass of gao mutra and toasts to the health of the present.

The prime minister leads them in to singing ‘We Will Make Imran Khan Look Small.’

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