What Abu Ivanka says on Palestine is Always Right

President Donald Trump’s national security adviser, John Bolton’s announcement that the State Department has ordered the closure of the Palestine Liberation Organization (PLO) office in Washington, D.C. has created a stir in the compliant Gulf and Arab countries.

Saudi crown prince Mohammad Bin Salman (MBS), who is also the first deputy prime minister, president of the Council for Economic and Development Affairs and minister of defense, is videoconferencing with Sheikh Mohammed bin Zayed Al-Nahyan (MbZ), crown prince of Abu Dhabi and deputy supreme commander of the UAE’s armed forces, the King of Bahrain Hamad bin Isa Al Khalifa, and Egyptian President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi.

MBS sets the discussion into motion, “It is so nice to talk to my brothers … so nice to talk among partners who uphold the divine right of rulers. God be praised.

“All of us have heard and of course heard from our ambassadors too that our dear Abu Ivanka … President Trump has taken yet another bold step to bring peace to our region. May God bless him and reward him.”

El-Sisi impatiently adds, “In the first place I never stood what was point in allowing a PLO office in Washington, D.C. They are nothing but troublemakers … talk of freedom and such nonsense.”

MBS quickly smothers El-Sisi’s concerns, “My brother Abdel Fattah, yes … a good question. Exactly, I had the same thing on my mind so I asked McKinsey, our consultants in Washington, D.C. They told me that a 1987 law barred the operation of such an office, but permitted presidents to waive the requirement for six months at a time. Clinton let the PLO mission to open in 1994 after the Oslo agreement … and presidential waivers have been regularly issued ever since. Bush … Obama signed such waivers. Only Abu Ivanka had the courage to end this charade.”

A relieved El-Sisi adds, “Indeed Abu Ivanka is honestly aiming for a final solution. He is the first president to cancel all funding of this relief thing [United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees]. Now all this money can come to me!

“He is a decisive ruler. Did you see that he even cut the $25 million for the East Jerusalem hospitals for cancer treatments for Palestinians? His message is crystal clear: If you don’t do as I say, you can drop dead for all I care. Yes, this is way to run things.”

MbZ guffaws, “The great hero … Tamim [bin Hamad Al Thani, ruler of Qatar] acting like he is America has sent them $50 million.”

El-Sisi, angered once again, howls, “God give him brains … this little Tamim is awful … he is a terrorism supporter. He hasn’t rushed to Gaza as yet to hug those dying Palestinians!”

MBS adds his wisdom, “Yes, my brother Abdel Fattah, it will take time for Tamim to get his head fixed. He is simply indulging Palestinian hostility to Israel. And Abu Ivanka has done the right thing stop this.

“My brothers, Abu Ivanka is one man who understands the [Israeli prime minister Benjamin] Netanyahu Doctrine that when the Palestinians are weaker and more compliant, degradation will lead to their submission, isolation to their capitulation and humiliation to their acceptance of his plan, and their willingness to live as obedient and deprived subjects in Israel’s world.”

MbZ offers, “Yes the Palestinians need to comprehend that Israel will offer them work opportunities because who doesn’t need cheap labor.”

Hamad bin Isa soon gets his word in, “You are right my brother. What rights are these people talking about when the beloved Monarch of the United Kingdom King George V, grandfather of our beloved Queen Elizabeth, approved the Balfour Declaration and gave the land to create Israel. One hundred years have passed and these people wont forget and let Israel live in peace.

“All the commotion they keep creating has its affects in our lands too, my brothers!”

MBS, his voice quivering with joy, “My dear brothers, we all need to acknowledge another masterstroke of Abu Ivanka’s policy. May God bless him. He is lucky to have a son-in-law like Jared Kushner … the right advisor to bring peace to our region.

“Our Abu Ivanka has fixed the joke called the International Criminal Court.”

El-Sisi eagerly added, “Yes, indeed Abu Ivanka called it contrary to American principles. In fact, it is contrary to our principles too. We have the inherent right to deal with anyone, including our citizen, as we deem fit.

“I would like to know which idiot advised Mahmoud Abbas to ask this so-called court to open an investigation and to prosecute Israeli officials for their involvement in settlement activities and aggressions against his people.”

MBS thundered, “Yes Abu Ivanka has said clearly that he will protect Americans and citizen of his allies from unjust prosecution by this illegitimate court. It was a bad precedence. God be praised, otherwise tomorrow Houthis would be asking this court to adjudicate against us for saving Yemen.

“I will ask the Organization of Islamic Cooperation … we are their host, and Secretary General Dr. Yousef Al-Othaimeen is Saudi Arabian citizen, to endorse all of Abu Ivanka’s action… they will do as directed.

“My dear brothers, thank you, and this is our Palestine policy: What Abu Ivanka says on Palestine is always right.”

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