What Parliamentary Motions, when I Can’t Even Hold Mine

Maulana Fazlur Rehman, chief of his eponymous faction of Jamiat Ulema-e-Islam, and chairman of the Muttahida Majlis-e Amal (MMA), [mis]using the telephone privileges of his host, Sen. Muhammad Talha Mahmood, who his party’s deputy parliamentary leader in the Senate, has brought Shahbaz Sharif, leader of the opposition in the National Assembly, former chief minister of Punjab and Pakistan Muslim League Nawaz (PML-N) president, and Asif Ali Zardari, former president of Pakistan, co-chairman of Pakistan Peoples Party and currently a member of the National Assembly on conference call to discuss yet another setback to his family.

A livid Maulana hollers, “Tell me that you don’t know about it but today the federal cabinet sanctioned the removal of my younger brother Ziaur Rehman, who was serving as commissioner for Afghan refugees. Not just that but also Mohammad Shehzad Arbab, adviser to Imran Khan for establishment division, has been asked to investigative and report on his assignment. They are asking how Zia was appointed commissioner without belonging to any cadre of the civil service and why was he inducted in the Provincial Management Service.

“This is utter waste of government time and resources! Is their memory so short! Wasn’t I the chairman of the fourteen-member parliamentary special Kashmir Committee in the National Assembly with status of federal minister?

“I know this investigation into Zia’s appointment is way to get a JIT [Joint Investigation Team] formed against me.

“My dear brother Asif and Shahbaz, if I was member of the parliament, I would have moved a privilege motion over this investigation… both of you are there so why can’t someone move a privilege motion… Oh please!

“O my dear brother Asif, you are the only one who can support his friends and family … you own Sindh … I will not ask for too many licenses from the Sindh government … just please move a motion in favor of Zia.”

Never to be discouraged, the Maulana continued, “Yes, I know you are worried about the JIT, but my brother Asif, even adversity has its bright side. See since our brother Nawaz Sharif has been lodged in Adiala jail, his wife … Kusloom’s health has improved; she was in coma when he returned to Pakistan on July 25. Since then, neither of us has heard any bad news; otherwise we had been asked to pray for her recovery. Perhaps, you may have even better luck and your wife, Benazir, may become alive again!”

A certainly nervous sounding Zardari retorted, “Are you serious … are you in your right mind Maulana … Benazir coming alive again … you know what it means … I will be relegated to a nobody as before and even Bilawal, Bakhtawar and Aseefa will have to drop the ‘Bhutto’ in their names! Please get a life Maulana.”

The indefatigable Maulana comes right back, “My dear Asif and Shahbaz, please see the bright side. If you keep me at your side, I am a scholar, I can issue any Islamic ruling you desire against Imran and any in your favor.”

Shahbaz weakly responded, “We can’t get any headway. Both my niece Maryam’s son Safdar and my brother Asif’s Senator Sherry Rehman were tweeting that a route was made for Imran’s sons Suleman and Qasim from Islamabad airport to Bani Gala for five hours with 150 police officers on duty, and they traveled in a convoy of 13 bulletproof cars, while a helicopter flew overhead, and 350 Rangers guarded his house. But to our bad luck, eyewitnesses discounted it all saying that only one security car was used. This effort crashed within seconds.

“And our poor Maryam Humayun, who was our information minister, and similarly my brother Asif’s party leaders were denouncing Imran over his funds for dams appeal, likening his running the country as if they were his charities, that people start tweeting in his favor that in Madina, our Prophet (salla Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) solved the water issue by raising funds to buy a water well… in fact Osman bin Affan (radi Allahu ‘anh) gave the total purchase price for it.”

The Maulana never easy to silence continued his rant, “There are so many instruments… privilege motions … adjournment motions. Simply, I am being treated even worse than the Arabs treat the Palestinians.”

A distraught Zardari whimpered, “Maulana, what are you talking about … this and that motions … what parliamentary motions, when I can’t even hold mine since this chief justice … Saqib Nisar has formed this JIT for me and my sister.”

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