Superfast Electronic Decapitators from America are on Order

Highly agitated and deeply concerned by the use of satire by some conniving writers, Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman (MBS), who also serves as deputy prime minister, president of the Council of Economic and Development Affairs, and minister of defense of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia has summoned interior minister Prince Abdulaziz bin Saud bin Nayef, minister of culture and information Dr. Awwad S. Alawwad, and the public prosecutor, the president of the Bureau of Investigation and Public Prosecution Shaikh Saud Bin Abdullah Bin Mubarak Al Mujeb, who enjoys a ministerial rank, to his office, the Royal Court in Riyadh.

The Finjan Erfeh – a spicy Saudi tea – that MBS called for has become cold to near coagulation.

The moment the three officials step in to his office, he opens his case, “My brother Abdulaziz, Dr. Awwad and Shaikh Saud, this Internet has its positives but it has become a menace.

“The House of Salman is deeply concerned. We cannot let anything go. You all know that just our state oil company, Aramco, is valued at $2 trillion. Twice the evaluation of Apple and Amazon! We, the House of Salman, own all that is on and under the surface in our land!

“We have to keep a very tight leash to the Internet … in fact on the users.

“You all know that we can do things with impunity when we let the world know that whatever we do is to combat radicalism. Of course, we have to publicize to the fullest and super fast, information about those we have and we are prosecuting.

“You see how I have let the world know that Saudi Arabia believes in many of the principles of human rights. In fact, we believe in the notion of human rights, but ultimately Saudi standards are not the same as American or British or any other standards.

“Dr. Awwad here you have to really ratchet up the panorama of telling the world that Saudi standards are not the same as any other standards. We are the House of Salman, the only legitimate holders of the authority vested to our family by the monarch of Great Britain through our beloved and honorable Col. T.E. Lawrence.

“Dr. Awwad you have already announced that Saudi Arabia will punish online satire that ‘disrupts public order’ with up to five years in prison and a fine of three million riyals ($800,000). We have to make it clear that online jokes and satire will be punished. It is we, the House of Salman who will decide what is and what is not permissible.

“Unfortunately, the two countries, the USA and the UK … I would say the rulers who value us, Abu Ivanka … our President Trump, and Theresa May, have their own notion of freedom of expression because of the election facades there. However, their standards are incapable of being applied in our Kingdom.

“We have to let it be known to all and forcefully that producing and distributing content that ridicules, mocks, provokes and disrupts public order, religious values and public morals through social media will be considered a cybercrime punishable by a maximum of five years in prison. Even any posts on Twitter and YouTube come under this law.

“We have to announce loud and clear that the word and concept ‘dissent’ does not exist in our lexicon.

“As you know that last year … that is September 2017 we issued a call for citizens to report on the social media activities of their fellow citizens, under a broad definition of terrorist crimes.

“Shaikh Saud you are on the target for seeking the death penalty in the case against Sheikh Salman al Awda [a prominent Islamic scholar] who you arrested last year along with 20 others.

“My concern is that in this case that 21 people have to be executed, and in our anti-dissent drive there will be scores to execute, we can’t simply rely on a sword. We need to mechanize the process.

“I have it that Abu Ivanka will endorse all of our actions. Talking about the protest against his Supreme Court nominee earlier this week, he told The Daily Caller, ‘I think it embarrassing for the country to allow protests’.

“I am told by our consultants in Washington, D.C. and London that the modern form of the guillotine was invented shortly before the French Revolution with the aim of creating a quick method of execution requiring little skill on the part of the operator. Decapitation by guillotine became a common mechanically assisted form of execution. I am also told that many German states had used a guillotine-like device known as a Fallbeil (falling axe), since the 17th and 18th centuries, and decapitation by guillotine was the usual means of execution in Germany until 1949.

“I am therefore calling my friend Jared [Kushner], our Abu Ivanka’s son-in-law, to get superfast electronic decapitators invented and supplied to us pronto. You know getting them will be no hitch as our Abu Ivanka takes so much pride in his beautiful American weapons.

“We have to keep the executions going till all dissent vanishes. We should let it be known that only the House of Salman has the right to think.”

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