Our Strength Lies in Sheeples

Former President Asif Zardari has called a press conference in his Karachi residence, the Bilawal House, where he is seated in a bulletproof glass enclosure, while the media representatives have been placed ten feet away from that box.

“My dear friends, and we have among you a lot of friends whom we have favored. God willing after July 25, when we regain our power of distributing the largesse, those who desire shall not go unfulfilled.

“My dear friends, I have invited you here today … by the way dinner will be served after we finish our conversation … to clear any misunderstanding over Bilawal’s announcement that the Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP) has suspended its countrywide political rallies.

“You know that Bilawal is a young boy and as his father, I am obligated to guide him in his political career. I explained to him the ground realities about his political career. First, I reminded him that he was gifted the 14-acre 32 million Pound Sterling Bilawal House in Lahore by my friend Malik Riaz Hussain, chairman of Bahria Town, not because he is his uncle, but because Malik Riaz owes a lot to me for his astounding successes. For example take his massive Bahria Town Karachi scheme for which he needed acquired land in the city’s Malir district. God bless, our party was ruling Sindh, and our land officials all the way from the Malir Development Authority to the Sindh Building Control Authority and Board of Revenue did everything for him that he needed.

“I explained to Bilawal that his solo visit to Lyari is enough, because he should always keep in mind why I added Bhutto as middle name for all of my three children.

“I told him not to be crazy like Imran Khan who has announced that he would continue to hold election campaigns despite the terror threats. I am told that he was warned of life threats and to refrain from holding rallies in Swabi, Mardan, and Taxila, but he refused to accept the fear of the bombers and went ahead with these rallies. I recall that he also keeps saying that life and death belongs to God. You will recall that before he got injured in that fall in Lahore before the 2013 voting started, he had said that you couldn’t lead a revolution and hide behind bulletproof glass.

“I reminded Bilawal that unlike him, Imran Khan has no Bhutto-like legacy, except the two or three hospitals and a college that he has built.

“I told Bilawal that rest assured neither he, nor I are leading any sort of revolution, our strength lies in maintaining the status quo and of course, which means adding to our Swiss bank deposits and our overseas real estate portfolios.

“God bless, Bilawal is a good boy. He always listens to me. He knows that how much wealth I have amassed for him and his sisters.

“I have therefore asked our party representatives to arrange small-scale gatherings, each for not more than 120 people. You know that especially in Sindh, we have a large membership of landed gentry, and each of them can arrange sumptuous dinners for more than one hundred, I would say thousands of people.

“And again I told Bilawal to focus on why the Bhutto was added as his middle name. Aren’t we campaigning on the sacrifices of our nation’s greatest martyrs … his mother BB, and his grandfather Zulfikar Ali Bhutto?

“My friends, you tell me, hasn’t this idea been working for more than three decades? Didn’t this formula lead me to the President’s House?

“God bless him that he agreed with my point of view that the sacrifices of our great martyrs are more than enough.

“I told him that we are fortunate that we have to rely on the votes of sheep … err … I mean sheeples.

“Indeed I like his idea that we should rename our Pakistan People Party as the Pakistan Sheeples Party, especially when I hear that some people, and I guess they are Imran Khan’s people, who are publicizing that PPP really stands for Pakistan Plunder Party. What plunder? Every penny that I deposit in my Swiss accounts and every penny that I invest in real estate overseas is totally deserved because public service does come for free,” gesturing the media representatives to move to the dinner tables, the former president, concludes, “My dear friends, our strength lies in sheeples.”

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