The Ideally Suited House of Saud … err … the House of Salman

Muhammad bin Salmān, the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, who also serves as First Deputy Prime Minister, President of the Council for Economic and Development Affairs and Minister of Defense – MBS to some, is meeting with his father King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, who is also the Prime Minister, and is designated as the Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques at the Erga Palace in Riyadh.

“O Father, a few minutes ago, I was on the phone with my brother Jared Kushner … the son-in-law of President Trump Abu Ivanka.

“We had a very interesting discussion about our region and the exalted role our kingdom … the House Saud … rather the House of Salman has to play in the layout of things favored by their policymakers,” informed MBS.

“O my son, O Mohammad, what is the thing about ‘policymakers’? I don’t get it. Isn’t Abu Ivanka the president of the United States, so doesn’t he make the policy? Do we have any policymakers? Whatever we say, and even think is the policy!” stressed the king.

“Yes my father, I know that it is the ruler who has the absolute power but I guess it is their system to have some policymakers. When I was in America, I used to hear about the passing the buck … probably in their system, the policymakers come in handy when passing the buck.

“But I was talking about my discussion with my brother Jared. He told me about the great concept favored by the celebrated American statesman, Henry Kissinger called ‘salami tactics’. Let me tell you though this salami tactics has nothing to do with our greetings of Assalamu alaykum – nothing about peace. This salami tactics takes its name from a meat preparation that has thin slices.

“When my brother mentioned about this tactic, I told him that this blessing was cast upon us by Lawrence of Arabia … oh, by the way, I found that his full name was Colonel Thomas Edward Lawrence. He cut up our region into small pieces like the salami slices so we have many royal families … many rulers, like our House of Saud … er, I mean the House of Salman.

“Upon hearing this, my brother Jared said that it is good that I am familiar with this policy of salami tactics. I said yes, this is why your father-in-law Abu Ivanka is able to sell beautiful American weapons to so many countries in the region.

“I told my brother Jared that we, the House of Saud … err, I mean House of Salman, our doing our bit. We continue our war in Yemen … we continue our blockade of Qatar … we are supporting the squeeze and starving of the Palestinians.

“I also told my brother Jared about the good work being done by my brother Sheikh Mohammed bin Zayed bin Sultan Al-Nahyan, the Crown Prince of Abu Dhabi, who is also the deputy Supreme Commander of the UAE’s Armed Forces.

“God bless him, he was very appreciative of his work in the region, especially how United Arab Emirates and Saudi Arabia have been solidified our political, economic and military activities in the region over the last two years. Then there is the excellent Emirati pursuit of controlling certain strategic ports in the Horn of Africa, particularly in Somalia and Djibouti. My brother bin Zayed is also seeking new military bases in the semi-autonomous regions of Somalia, which are Somaliland and Puntland, and in the port city of Assab in Eritrea.

“Somalia, a you know tried to act like a big boy and refused my brother bin Zayed’s request to support our political blockade of Qatar. Not only that, Somalia seized a aircraft of my brother bin Zayed that was taking $10 million for the forces in Somaliland and Puntland … our influence in these two places is much needed to keep Somalia in its place. My brother bin Zayed retaliated immediately and closed the Sheikh Zayed hospital, which was built in Somalia to provide free medical care for low-income citizens there.

My brother bin Zayed has successfully seen off Qatari interest in Socotra, the strategic Yemeni island, by sending aid there after a hurricane and then construction companies, which are there to build an Emirati version of Diego Garcia, the Indian Ocean atoll where America has a large military base.

“I told my brother Jared that like me, my brother bin Zayed is equally efficient. For example when Djibouti tried to act smart and its President Ismail Omar Guelleh announced his decision to proceed with the unilateral and immediate termination of the concession contract awarded to UAE’s DP World, he told him that UAE would send Djibouti back to the conditions in which it existed before 2005.

“God be praised, after hearing all this, my brother Jared told me that for the United States the House of Saud … err … the House of Salman is ideally suited. O my Father, may God bless you with long life and may your seed prevail forever. May the House of Salman continue to prosper from the salami operations conducted by our blessed benefactor Colonel T.E. Lawrence.”

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