JJ “Big Shot” Gutterwulf, founder and president of the Original Wild Boar Frankfurters, Inc., the first real wild boar cold cuts, and Rick Weedsbush, president of Weedsbush Plumbing Supplies, are at their favorite watering hole, the Dimwits Lantern. They toast with their 12-oz. cans of their favorite drink, Pabst Blue Ribbon.
“Rick, we finally got a guy with a heart in the White House. Wow, the way he ripped up this sissy kid from Canada. Wow, some folks called that place ‘America’s affable neighbor’ … our Donald, called this Justin ‘dishonest and weak’,” gushed Big Shot.
“Yeah, Bigs, can’t trust these maple suckers. Imagine how Justin would be stuttering when our great guy reminded him of the War of 1812, that these guys burned down the White House after American freedom-fighters attacked then-British colony York, Ontario,” declared Rick.
History didn’t matter that it was the British and not Canadian troops who set fire to the White House.
“Really Rick! I didn’t know that these maple suckers are so nasty. Next they will be in Milwaukee burning down the PBR brewery. No Sir! They can’t do that! We will dry up the Niagara Falls and run their farms dead,” roared Big Shot.
“Bigs, I say no one should trust these foreigners, even the white ones. Do you know why these two showy guys made things so awful, it was to getting our President to leave early? Man this French guy Macron and Justin had been planning not to tell Trump the location of their G-7 after party. Yes Sir! I have it from reliable sources that there was agreement among the non-American participants to withhold information about the time, place, and existence of an after party from our President,” Rick confided.
“Yes Sir. Bigs this guy Justin is trouble. I hear that our President caught him for making false statements. I mean if he was American … there you have a trial under perjury and in the dump for five years plus be paying fines. This Justin was calling that our tariffs were kind of insulting and did you hear, Justin says that he ‘will not be pushed around’. I mean Canada! … not pushed around … Ha …,” declared Rick banging his PBR can on the table.
“Wow … ‘not pushed around’ … didn’t Justin hear how the North Korea guy … that Kim Jong-un got on his hands and knees and begged for our President to meet with him. I will say that Justin is delusional … he charges 270% duty on our dairy and doesn’t want us to charge duty on his steel and aluminum. Rick, I don’t mind paying more for PBR cans if this aluminum duty fixes up Justin.
“He has already slapped tariffs on $12.8 billion worth of our exports, including metals, toilet paper, ballpoint pens and pizza. Even pizza … Rick, how much more mean one can one get … pizza. Like Justin thinks that we will die if we can’t export our pizza.
“Na … the President can ask his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, to call the Saudi crown prince Mohammad Bin Salman and he will buy duty-free three times more American pizza than Justin can tax!,” thundered Big Shot.
“Bigs, did you hear that our President said that he will tax their cars coming into America. He said that the cars are the big one.
“Truly, I didn’t know that they made cars. Never heard of a Canadian car. I thought that these Canuck lived on maple syrup like the Saudis live on oil.
“Coming here, I heard on the radio that Canada’s new countermeasures also apply to a long list of consumer items, including American whisky, lawnmowers, yogurt, ketchup and maple syrup.
“Justin is evil. He is targeting our leaders. This whisky tax is aimed to hit our Republican Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell who represents Kentucky, which has a sizable bourbon whisky industry. And Vermont, with its established maple syrup industry, is represented by Bernie Sanders. Well, this Bernie thing I don’t mind. He is just a loud voice in Congress,” declared Rick.
“Rick, I would tell our President that he first he calls the Saudi prince called MBS and asks him to import duty-free everything that Justin wants to tariff. And our President should tax everything Canadian hard … not just that he should do what he is doing to Iran … Just sanction Canada.”