I Have Better Pets

Former Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif is visiting former president Asif Zardari at his $50 million dollar Bilawal House in Lahore.

Nawaz Sharif is worried that his nemesis Imran Khan is hurdling ahead of him in more ways than one.

After exchanging niceties, Nawaz Sharif opens the discussion, “Zardari Sahib, did you hear it too. I learn that Imran Khan keeps a pet dog or two.

“I clearly suspect that he is keeping this pet dog to show that like American presidents, he too keeps a pet. I think that it is a sinister move on his part to look like the most powerful men in the world.

“Zardari Sahib, I am told that all American presidents have had pet dogs, and even though I hear that Trump does not have a dog but his vice president Pence has nearly a zoo of pets! My daughter Maryam was telling me that when Obama got elected, he did not have a dog, but the day he won the election, he announced that he will get a dog, and then the now late Senator Edward Kennedy arranged a puppy for him. Not only that, later Obama got one more dog on his own.

“I have this feeling that Imran is keeping his dog because he thinks that keeping dogs brought good luck to all those people like Bill Clinton, Bush, and Obama. I don’t see no good in this, my dear Zardari Sahib.”

“My dear Nawaz Sharif Sahib, although you know that I have either a BA or BS or MA or MS from the London School of Education, I did not keep a dog. Yes, I graduated from the London school …”

“Excuse me, may I ask Zardari Sahib, but you went to school in Cadet College Petaro, then why you went to school again in London?”

“No, my dear Mian Nawaz Sharif Sahib, while even our colleges change their names when they start giving higher degrees, like Government College University, or King Edward Medical College University, but the fashion in London is to keep their old name …”

“Zardari Sahib, I think this may have to do with benefitting from your brand name like Tibet Snow cream will call their toothpaste Tibet Snow Toothpaste!”

“Mian Sahib, we digressed a little bit. We were talking about the issue of keeping pets. But let me digress a little too. You know I may have gotten my BA or BS or MA or MS from the London School of Education but I got more education from sitting in the ticket booth in my father’s Bambino Cinema in Karachi.”

“Indeed Zardari Sahib, doing sales is very good education. When my father was running the Ittefaq Foundry, I used sit in the sales office, I would show the customer 1/4” inch steel sheets and deliver them 1/8th inch sheets. If anyone asked, I would tell them that steel settles in transportation.”

“Really, Mian Sahib, you are nearly a genius like me. So let us get back to our topic of today, about keeping pets.

“You know I have a pir, my spiritual mentor, Pir Mohammed Ijaz. He told me that democracy is sexually transmitted. And so right is he! This is why I don’t need a pet. I have people around me who rigorously believe that democracy is sexually transmitted. Let me give you just one example. I have Aitizaz Ahsan, he is educated in Cambridge University and is a barrister, and he is more loyal to our family than any dog would be to his master because he believes that democracy is sexually transmitted. You see he was equally loyal to our two greater martyrs, Zulfikar Ali Bhutto and Benazir, as he is loyal to me and my three children, Bilawal, Bakhtawar, and Aseefa. He says that our family alone has the ruler genes …”

“But my dear friend, Zardari Sahib, I have never seen Aitizaz wearing jeans! Really he says your family has the jeans!”

“So Mian Sahib, let Imran Khan keep one hundred dogs but I have loyal puppies like Aitizaz Ahsan, and more.

“Zardari Sahib, I cannot say this for myself because quite a few people whom I thought were loyal to me have run to Imran Khan … Even after 35 years Chaudhry Nisar Ali has shown me his eyes.”

“Mian Sahib, may God bless you but I have better pets than Imran Khan. And all of them firmly believe that democracy is sexually transmitted.”

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