Our Kosher Atom Bomb

Crown Prince, Mohammed bin Salman is meeting his father, King Salman bin Abdulaziz, along with Foreign Minister Adel al-Jubeir, to discuss the six-inch thick Executive Summary of the Joint Report of Consultants and Lobbyists to the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia.

The Saudi-hired lobbying firms include names such as the Podesta Group, BGR Government Affairs, DLA Piper and Pillsbury Winthrop; while the large cohort of top tier consulting firms includes names such as McKinsey & Company and The Boston Consulting Group.

The King rocks gently in his chair as al-Jubeir opens the gold-embossed cover, revealing the father and son’s portraits.

Masha Allah, Masha Allah, what great work by our friends in America,” the king exclaims.

“Yes, Your Majesty, the Americans always render a great job,” offered al-Jubeir.

“O Father, I read the 50 word summary of the executive summary and we are going to do as our consultants are advising, after all, we pay them a fee of $1.5 billion annually, not to mention what we pay our lobbyists” the Crown Prince informed, lifting his cup of qahwa.

“Your Majesty, one of the important guidance is that the Kingdom … the House of Saud … should buy nuclear bombs. Indeed, we are eternally grateful to our Abu Ivanka, our beloved President Trump for withdrawing from the 2015 Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action. Iran can never be of any good.”

“O Father, there is some hesitation about it from China, France, Germany, Russia and the U.K., but Israel is on board along with us. Alhamdulillah … thank God.

“Not just us but the entire world should be aware of Iran. Saddam has provided them with so much war fighting experience. The Iran-Iraq stretched from September 1980 to August 1988, when Iran accepted the UN-brokered ceasefire.”

“Eight years is a long time, my son. Iranians have too much of war fighting experience.”

“O Father, you are right. This is what this report is saying that we need to keep buying arms.”

“O my son, this is why you are also the Minister of Defense. We have the King Abdullah City for Atomic and Renewable Energy.”

“Your Majesty, you are right. We had hired the law firm Pillsbury Winthrop in Washington, D.C. for providing general public policy and legislative advice to us on the project. It can be our gateway to nuclear power. I would say that we engage the image-building giant Edelman as we embark on our atoms project.

“Your Majesty and Your Royal Highness, I had told CNN that if Iran restarts its enrichment program beyond what it has right now it should trigger the snapback provision and cause all the other P5 — U.N. Security Council’s five permanent members — countries must abandon the deal and reimpose sanctions on Iran. Although at the moment Britain, France, China and Russia are not happy with our dear Abu Ivanka,” added al-Jubeir.

“Adel, so what! It will be just be a Shia bomb. God forbid. Adel, you just these hesitant countries to send us a bill for their loss. My dear son, and Adel, I would say that we buy our atom bombs from Israel. You ask them to put the kosher certificate on the bombs they supply us. They are the People of the Book and so is America, and you too have seen that in America nearly everything has a kosher certification mark on it. Our Abu Ivanka will approve of our purchases and not just Israel, we will buy atom bombs from Abu Ivanka too.”

“Your Majesty, you have rightly spoken.

“Your Royal Highness, Abu Ivanka’s son-in-law Jared Kushner is like your brother, you call him and buy a few,” chimed al-Jubeir

“Yes, my father, I just learnt that our friend Abu Yair, our dear Netanyahu, has issued a coin which has the image of Abu Ivanka as a gesture of thankfulness for moving the American embassy to Jerusalem. We too need to express our thanks to Abu Ivanka for refusing to extend the nuclear agreement with Iran. I am right now calling Dr. Ahmed Abdulkarim Alkholifey, our of Governor of our Saudi Arabian Monetary Authority, to immediately issue new 500 riyals bills which will have three portraits, our Abu Ivanka on the right, you, my father, in the center, and myself on the left.”

Masha Allah, Masha Allah, my son, you keep me elated. May God bless you.”

“Thank you, my beloved father. As I was being driven here, I was thinking that our younger generation should be told about our great benefactors. So right from my car, I called Ahmed bin Aqeel al-Khatib, our Governor of our General Authority for Entertainment to screen the fantastic movie Lawrence of Arabia.”

Masha Allah, Masha Allah, this is excellent. You know the hadith “Whoever says “Jazakallahu khayran (May Allah give you a good reward)” to anyone who has done him a favor, he has thanked in the best way.”[Tirmidhi, Birr 86, (2036)]. Indeed the good given by this greatest man, Lawrence, are immense.

“I would say keep showing the movie Lawrence of Arabia for the full year. And the day we get our Kosher certified Atom Bomb, this movie should be shown free to all Saudi citizen.

Masha Allah, Masha Allah, supplied by our People of the Book, all of our atom bombs will be kosher!”

The King raises his cup of qahwa, and declares, “The House of Saud and the Kosher Atom Bomb are a natural.”

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