As soon as President Trump concluded his speech on May 8, Saudi Arabia’s Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman rushed to wake up his father, King Salman Bin Abdulaziz at 11 p.m. to convey the news that the United States has withdrawn from the Iran nuclear deal.
The young prince, who could hardly conceal his glee, went rushing in screaming, “Ya Salaam, Ya Abu, O Father, attaboy, our Abu Ivanka DELIVERS AGAIN … Ya Salaam …”
The octogenarian, awaken at an unearthly hour, nearly hour away from midnight, nearly jumped out of his pajamas as his son grabbed him in a hug, screaming, “Ya Salaam, Ya Abu, O Father, attaboy, our Abu Ivanka DELIVERS AGAIN …”
“What is this Atta, my son? Has Abu Ivanka, a new son, Atta??? … Masha Allah, did he do the delivery himself! My God, Abu Ivanka is the lord of all he intends to do.”
“No my father, not another son for our dearest Abu Ivanka … I am saying, ‘attaboy’, yes indeed attaboy … O Father, in America, it is an informal expression of encouragement or admiration, typically to a man or boy.”
“Masha Allah, my son, you have become a master of American things. Alhamdulillah! This is why I made you my Crown Prince.
“So my son, if our Abu Ivanka did not deliver a son called Atta, then what did he deliver?”
“O Father, he said that the United States has withdrawn from the Iran nuclear deal.”
“You mean the same nasty deal that the foolish black man … what was his name … what … what really …”
“Yes, that Obama … the useless … I think this Nobel Committee in Sweden is responsible for encouraging Obama to sign this awful thing for his vision of peace! They gave him the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009 before even took oath of office as President of the United States of America … God forbid. Swedish idiots!
“Yes, my foreign policy advisor, the one, our consultants, McKinsey, have assigned for me, told me that those crazy Swedes told Barack that he is being given the award for his ‘extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples’.”
“AstaghfirAllah … God have Mercy … what is ‘people’ my son? It is only House of Saud here, and in America, it is the House of Trump. May God give long life to our Abu Ivanka.”
“Yes, my Father, this black man never learnt that when he had Saudi Arabia, why did he need Iran … I mean, Iran … they don’t even have a king!”
“AstaghfirAllah … God have Mercy … I am certain, this Obama never got out of Kenya …”
“O Father, I have immediately set into motion things to help our dearest Abu Ivanka …”
“Yes, my son but let me first congratulate our loving brother, Abu Yair … our dearest Netanyahu …”
“Wow, O Father, you are great. Indeed, I should have congratulated and thanked him even before I woke you up … this good news from Washington, D.C. is all due to the blessings of Abu Yair.”
As soon the father and son had done their duty, they dispatched a dozen bouquets of roses from Lachaume, their favored florist located on Paris’ Rue du Faubourg-Sainte-Honoré, and the son returned to describing the steps he had taken to support their beloved Abu Ivanka.
“O Father, after I learnt that Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin said that license held by Boeing to sell billions of dollars in commercial jetliners to Iran will be revoked, I ordered a mix bag of ninety-nine Boeing commercial airliners for our Saudia … plus, I have sanctioned that every member of our House of Saud to order special order private planes from Boeing. This takes care of any loss of business that Boeing may get from not being to sell to Iran. And I am asking that Emirates and Al-Etihad should also order a few dozen Boeing airplanes each.
“Also, I told Khalid, our ambassador in Washington, D.C. to assure Abu Ivanka that the House of Saud will work with major oil producers within and outside OPEC, and with major consumers as well to limit the impact of any shortages in oil supplies to our brothers and sisters in the United States.”
“O my son, someone had told me that before Obama signed the agreement with Iran, the United States was not getting pistachios and saffron from Iran.
“You understand, pistachios are so good for the brain, and American children were not getting the pistachios from Iran. And of course, without saffron … how can you cook good ruz ma mucasarat … God forbid.”
“O Father, thank you for pointing this out. I will ask Mansour … our ambassador in Madrid … Khalid Al Farhan Al Saud to buy all of the saffron in Spain and ship it to the United States.’
“God bless you, my son … without saffron … how you can cook good ruz ma mucasarat …
“And pistachios …”
“I hear that Afghanistan grows good pistachios … I am therefore asking our ambassador to Kabul Jassim bin Mohammed Al-Khalidi that Jassim should buy all of the Afghan crop and fly it to the United States …”
“God be praised, my son!”
“O Father, there is only one thing that stands between me and celebrating this in a big way … those cunning Iranians have put ‘Allah’ on their flag, otherwise we would be stomping on it and dancing to the music of Attaboy Our Abu Ivanka Delivers Again.”