Faustian Bargains are the Best

Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman is closeted with his father, King Salman bin Abdulaziz al Saud in the Erga Palace in Riyadh, to apprise him of the latest international situation, and his efforts to raise his country’s closeness with the U.S., U.K., and Israel. “O Father, let me first present you with a brief recap. The moment I learnt that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth’s last remaining corgi, Willow, who was almost 15, has died, I called our man in London, Mohammed … Mohammed bin Nawwaf bin Abdulaziz … to personally deliver a wreath to Her Majesty. “I am sure that Her Majesty is deeply grieved because it is the first time the monarch has not owned a corgi since the end of the Second World War. And this dog was dear to her, being the 14th generation descended from Susan, a corgi gifted to the then Princess Elizabeth on her 18th birthday in 1944. “I also asked Mohammed to request Her Majesty that the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia will build a special tomb for her late friend, her last corgi, Willow.” “Masha Allah, my son, you are most agile in doing your best to serve our great benefactor, Her Majesty. Your grandfather must be so proud of you because it was he who taught us to serve the English people with the greatest humility. We owe it all to their benevolence.” “O Father, now let us look at the current situation. We have had some great news regarding that awful enemy of the entire humanity, Iran, and also good news about our dear friend, Israel. Only with the blessings of Israel, we can wipe Iran off the globe. “Alhamdulillah, we are blessed that our beloved President Trump … our dearest Abu Ivanka, has got the greatest Secretary of State … Masha Allah, our dear Mike Pompeo! “Alhamdulillah, he once again declared full support to our brother Netanyahu against those troublemakers, the Gazans. You know that Gaza’s main trouble is that it is run by that nonsense Hamas. When will they learn that to lead a good life, we all must obey and love our benefactors in London and Washington, DC and of course Israel. “Masha Allah, today he gave Iran the big stick. He spoke at the Israeli Ministry of Defense in Tel Aviv, ‘Tonight, I’m here to tell you one thing: Iran lied — big time.’ “O my dear Father … Ya Salaaam … it is one of the greatest achievements in the history of Israeli intelligence, they obtained more that 100,000 files that demonstrate Iran planned to continue pursuing a nuclear weapons program despite the 2015 deal it brokered with the international community. You know that foolish agreement made by that useless Obama. “Masha Allah… Alhamdulillah … this makes it solid that our dear Abu Ivanka can reject that silly agreement and evaporate Iran. Ya salaaam … Ya salaaam! “Ya salaam, the House of Saud will live forever … Thank you our dear Netanyahu! May you rule forever and may your children and generations, just like our House of Saud, rule forever.” “So, O Mohammed, my dearest son, does it mean that Iran will be gone forever just like Iraq and Libya and soon Syria. Ya salaam, it will be only House of Saud forever. “I feel like kissing the foreheads of Abu Ivanka and Abu Yair … Netanyahu! We cannot find words to thank them.” “O Father, I am connecting them on Facetime on iPhone and you can render your thankfulness right now.” “Alhamdulillah. The American people have blessed with such great things like iPhone.” “O Father, we need to find more ways to thank Abu Ivanka and Abu Yair. I would suggest that we start with sending greetings to Yair, which will be one of the ways of thanking his father. He loves gas deals. You know about Abu Yair’s $20 billion deal … we can offer a bigger gas deal to Yair! We are the House Saud. Everything belongs to us.” “This is perfect, my son. What about appreciating Abu Ivanka?” “O my father, Jared … Kushner … Abu Theodore is my dearest brother. I will do the needful. He loves real estate. I will take care of it.” “Alhamdulillah … you are doing perfect. But we need to do more for our dearest Israeli people so that Abu Yair remains close their hearts. “We have to keep the hands of our benefactors strong.” “O Father, I will ask our Council of Senior Scholars … Majlis Hay’at Kibar al-‘Ulama … I will let it be known to our Grand Mufti—Sheikh Abdul-Aziz ibn Abdullah Al Shaykh – that we need to declare that kosher meats are just like halal … they are interchangeable! “First, it will let us import kosher meat products from the lands of our dear Abu Ivanka and Abu Yair, and secondly, it will create jobs in America … in Israel, which will add to their popularity and strengthen their hands to wage wars.” “Perfect my son perfect. But how will our people take to liking kosher meat products?” “O dear Father, leave it to me. I will ask Imam of Kaaba Sheikh Saleh Bin Muhammad Ibrahim and the Masjid-al-Nabvi Imam Sheikh Ayad Ahmad Al Shikri to get on TV and enjoy a meal of Hebrew National Beef Franks. It is one of the most popular kosher brands in so many countries. We will make our people to enjoy American, British and Israeli hotdogs … this is all supporting their economies … We need to contribute our share in helping to keep Abu Ivanka, Abu Yair and Mrs May in power forever! ”O Father, I am duly following the advice and guidance of our public relations consultants in America. They told me to make a Faustian bargain with our benefactors, Abu Ivanka, Abu Yair and Mrs May.” “Alhamdulillah … who is this Faustian any way? Is he is some bargain store, my son?” “No, my father, our public relations consultants in America, advised me to follow the example of Faust or Faustus, a highly successful German scholar. They told me that he was unsatisfied, and made a deal with the devil, exchanging his soul for unlimited knowledge and worldly pleasures. “Our public relations advisor, APCO Worldwide told me that the Faustian way was the best.” Kind Salman raises his funjal … his cup of qahwa and declares, “Ya salaam, Faustian bargains are best! Masha Allah.”

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