The former Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif is ensconced in his family room in the Avenfield House apartment in Park Lane, Mayfair, London, where he is on video teleconference with his inner circle in Islamabad.
Election Reforms Bill 2017 had paved his way to return as head of the eponymous faction of the Pakistan Muslim League.
On the Islamabad end are Prime Minister Shahid Khaqan Abbasi, Minister for Railways Saad Rafique, Foreign Minister Khawaja Muhammad Asif, Interior Minister Ahsan Iqbal, and Punjab Law Minister Rana Sanaullah.
Each of them trying their best to shine the brightest in their master’s eye.
Shahid Abbasi starts the proceedings, “Our beloved and respected Mian Nawaz Sharif Sahib, due to your quick departure for London to be with the real First Lady of Pakistan, Kulsoom Nawaz, we could not properly celebrate your reelection as President of Pakistan Muslim League.
“All of us our praying that our beloved and respected first lady takes her seat in National Assembly that she has won so handedly and that too defeating the nominee of Imran Khan.”
Nawaz Sharif, “Abbasi Sahib, thank you for your kind words, but I wish you had not taken the name of that awful person when it is early … I just had my mid-morning lassi, and now, I need another one,” he concludes and calls his servant to get him another glass of lassi.
Ahsan Iqbal joins the discussion, “Our beloved prime minister, now that the Election Reforms Bill has settled the matter, we should announce proper titles. I am proposing that while Abbasi Sahib will be identified as Prime Minister de jure, you will identified as Prime Minister de facto.”
A visibly agitated Nawaz Sharif, hurriedly putting down his glass of lassi, angrily barks, “What is the de fac … defective? I am not defective! I was never defective! Hear that Ahsan Iqbal and all of you.
“I know that you are a degree holder from Pencil-Wonya university, but what is this defective? No way! Such titles cannot be accepted!”
“May God forgive me. Our most dear and respected Nawaz Sharif Sahib, I never called you by a wrong title. I only wanted to convey to the people of Pakistan and the world that you are real prime minister of our fair country,” Ahsan Iqbal states meekly.
“I am never minding any titles but you have to come up with a good title, not this American English … the de … defective! Nawaz Sharif is three times prime minister … and now you can say fourth time,” the Big Guy declares.
Ahsan Iqbal continue his defense, “My most dear and respected Nawaz Sharif Sahib, the de facto is not American English, it is Latin.”
A visibly moved Nawaz Sharif blurts, “Where do they speak this Latin language? I have been to Lytton Road in Lahore … when I was a student, I used to go there. Lytton Road has the Government College of Technology for Women. I heard that all the brainy girls go to technology colleges. Considering my position, when even they did not accept me for acting, I was thinking, I should get a smart girl.
“But I never heard anyone speaking Latin on Lytton Road!”
Rana Sanaullah itching to have him heard, interjected, “We can discuss this title thing a few minutes later because I have a fantastic scheme that will visibly show the real power of our dear and beloved leader.
“I am saying that we can send National Assembly Ayaz Sadiq to London by the first available flight so he can administer the oath of National Assembly to our great First Lady, Kulsoom Nawaz.
“Thus, when she returns she come to her seat in the House directly from the airport. To make things very clear, I am also proposing that our great First Lady should occupy the seat you occupied in the House because she has won your seat for our party.
“Our … what did you say Ahsan Iqbal … de jooray … what is this de jooray? … prime minister Shahid Abbasi will also agree with me.
“In order to overcome any foolish criticism from any half-baked mullahs that she is sitting next to a man, the seat next to her should be given to your son-in-law Capt. Safdar …”
Khawaja Asif and Khawaja Saad Rafiq interject in unison, “… and the next to our Capt. Safdar, the seat should be allocated to Abid Sher Ali, so in case, if Capt. Safdar is not in the House, our First Lady’s own nephew will be sitting next to her.”
Rana Sanaullah continues, “Our de jooray Prime Minister Shahid Abbasi will be seated next to Abid Sher Ali.”
Nawaz Sharif rests his forehead on his palm and asks, “Ahsan Iqbal now what is this de jorray … don’t tell me again that this is Latin language because this too I never heard on Lytton Road.
“Why don’t use a title that our people can understand. All of you accept that I am the asli ta vadda leader …the real and great leader!
“So in Urdu, we can say Asli tay Vadda Prime Minister Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif … for foreigners we can say the Real and Great Prime Minister Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif.”
Ahsan Iqbal tones in meekly, “Our beloved and respected Mian Sahib, allow me to say that de jure means in accordance with law.”
“OK … OK … you are saying that this de jooray means in accordance with law but who is the law? It is I, the Asli tay Vadda Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif.
“Now Shahid Abbasi and Ahsan Iqbal can decide about the de jooray … but we should direct our information Mariam Aurangzeb to announce in Urdu and English that my title is Asli tay Vadda Prime Minister Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif … and in English, the Real and Great Prime Minister Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif.”
Nawaz Sharif concludes the teleconference signaling for another glass of lassi, and proclaiming aloud, Asli tay Vadda Prime Minister Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif … the Real and Great Prime Minister Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif.”