Never Trust an Aitchisonian

Shahid Khaqan Abbasi, who had served as the petroleum minister under Nawaz Sharif, has arrived in Punjab House to get his instructions to temporarily hold the position of Prime Minister of Pakistan.

Present at the meeting are the eventual officeholder, little brother, Shehbaz Sharif, 65, who is the currently chief minister of Punjab province, the home base of the Sharifs.

Present are the ousted prime minister, the prime minister-in-waiting, Kalsoom Nawaz, the ousted prime minister’s attorney general Ashtar Ausaf Ali – who is drafting the Sharif family’s agreement with Abbasi.

Also present are First Daughter Maryam Nawaz [Safdar], and sons Hussain and Hasan Nawaz.

“Abbasi Sahib, after due consultation with my family, I have selected you because under Yousaf Raza Gillani, in 2008, you have the experience of losing your cabinet position when the Supreme Court ousted him as Prime Minister.

“I have decided to appoint you to this post especially after you were recommended by Kalsoom, the mother of Maryam, Hussain, Hasan, and Asma.

“I have invited our friend attorney general Ashtar Ausaf Ali to draft the agreement that you will be signing today.

“You have served as Chairman of Pakistan International Airlines from 1997 to 1999 during my second ministry. Later, you successfully started Airblue. So you have experience of running a publicly owned corporation into the ground and successfully running your own company.

“You have served as Minister for Commerce and  Defense Production in the Gillani Sahib’s ministry, so are aware of the challenges of business people, especially when people are always shouting ‘corruption, corruption’ at them.

“What a great man in Gillani Sahib! It is remarkable how he recognized the value of the necklace that Emine, wife President Erdoğan donated for flood victims. Did they need it? It was rightly more befitting of his wife, our sister Fauzia.

“It is your experience Abbasi Sahib that endears me to you. You have been with the PPP and enjoy good ties with my brother Asif Zardari. Both, President Zardari and we share the ideal that rule should remain in the family.

“In this agreement, we are saying that you will call a press conference and announce your resignation as prime minister immediately after results for constituency 120 of the National Assembly appear on TV screens. And as soon as the Chief Election Commissioner announces the official result, you will convene another press conference and hand over authority to Sahabaz Sahib.

“It has been agreed by our family that I will be our party’s candidate for Prime Minister in 2018. Similarly, Shahbaz Sahib will contest for both the National and Punjab Assembly seats in 2018. And as soon as the results are announced, he will vacate his post and I will return as the first person to be Prime Minister the fourth time.

“It is agreed between us that during this period of of warming the seat for Shahbaz Sahib, you will only take any action whatsoever with mine and Shahbaz Sahib’s permission.

“It is also agreed that you will appoint my girl Maryam as your special assistant for foreign affairs in which capacity she will function as foreign minister. I want her to gain these credentials before I return in 2018 and appoint her as full time foreign minister.

“We are also agreeing that taking inspiration from your earlier prime minister, Gillani Sahib, you will defy any court, including the Supreme Court if they advise of any action against me or our family. Indeed, the hero Gillani Sahib refused to accept Supreme Court’s orders to reopen the Swiss bribery case against my brother Asif Zardari. He sacrificed his post for our brother Zardari Sahib.

“It is agreed that during your tenure you will not lay any foundation stones, or perform any opening ceremonies, or announce any projects whatsoever. Such actions are the exclusive prerogative of the Sharif family.

“It is also agreed that in case you are required to deliver any speeches or issue any statements, you will start with a preamble that you are guided by the wisdom and brilliance Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif and the Sharif family.

“Someone was suggesting that this agreement should be kept in safe deposit box of Shahbaz Sahib’s wife, but then my daughter Maryam rightly said that how can we know that which of Uncle Shahbaz’s three wives is keeping this document.

“So I am listening to Kalsoom, who we all know, is the wisest among us all. She said that she it will be kept in her safe deposit box. She rightly pointed out that God knows how much time Shahbaz Sahib’s three wives will take to decide about whose safe deposit box should hold this document.

“Abbasi Sahib, the entire world acknowledges that Kalsoom knows enforcement. After all she is the granddaughter of our greatest wrestler Gama Pehalwan.”

Kalsoom interjects, “Abbasi Sahib, you know Mian Sahib loves to boast. He is always boasting that no one should underestimate him because he used to bat against Imran Khan without wearing a helmet when he was at the height of his bowling career. Now, this is what his cricketing partner has done to him. And I used to remind him never trust an Aitchosonian.

“Even when I was in 11th and 12th grade in Islamia College for Women, all the girls used to say that never trust an Aitchisonian because they are always running after Kinnaird College girls.

“Now he was telling me that Chaudhury Nisar Ali Khan is saying that he will be the best Prime Minister.

“I told him that what if Nisar Ali Khan does not hand back the prime ministership to Shahbaz Sahib. And instead, he hands over the chair to Imran Khan. I had to remind Mian Sahib about Imran Khan’s speech in the National Assembly where he said that Nisar Ali Khan is his best friend, who even came to receive him at Lahore airport when he brought World Cricket Cup home in 1992. You know that both are Aitchisonians.

“I am saying again: never trust an Aitchisonian.

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