The Way to Crush the Pest

His Royal Highness Prince Mohammad bin Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, First Deputy Prime Minister and Minister of Defense hurriedly enters his father’s office furiously twirling his ghutra – some liken the black ropelike contraption to a car fan belt and some think that it is brainwave restrainer. Of course, every thought is unto the thinker.

To say that the young prince is clearly agitated would be an understatement.

“O Father, this pest … this Tamim … this bin Hamad al-Thani … believe his head is too big for his stature! These IMF … this International Monetary Fund people are turning his head lopsided. Now they told him that he is the world’s top liquefied natural gas exporter. They told him that Qatar is so rich – at $127,660, its gross domestic product per capita in purchasing power terms is the highest of any country — it can deploy money to counter almost any type of sanction.

“This little pest, Tamim thinks that he is the Arab Justin Trudeau … O Father, this is what our Ri’āsat Al-Istikhbārāt Al-‘Āmah (General Intelligence Presidency) told me that they saw Tamim wearing socks that had “Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité” on them, not in French and English but also even in its Arabic translation wamusawat alhuriyat wal’ukhua … O Father this is a clear provocation against us. You know that this dastardly slogan first appeared during the French Revolution and means “Liberty, Equality, Fraternity” … Astaghfir-Allah … God forbid …

Once you sign these Marsum al Maliki … today’s royal decrees … I will put on phone with our beautiful benefactor, Donald Trump … Abu Ivanka … to apprise him of these offensive socks. We know how much Abu Ivanka likes Justin Trudeau sitting up on his north … so how can we bear this fake Justin next door to us! Astaghfir-Allah … God forbid …”

“Yes, my son, what you tell me is most dangerous. Tamim is trying to destroy the minds of our Saudi people … poisoning the minds of our Saudi youth. He needs to be punished … and severely!

“I hope this Trudeau didn’t send him these socks from how own collection. Astaghfir-Allah.

“We should ask Ri’āsat Al-Istikhbārāt Al-‘Āmah to investigate the source of these socks. I doubt if Trudeau would bend so low, what liberal he may be.”

“O Father, before we delve into these Marsum al Maliki, we have to put it to Abu Ivanka as meekly and as humbly as possible that he is being unfair with us. We he asked, we purchased $150 billion of his weapons. Next he tells Tamim to purchase lots of beautiful military equipment because nobody makes it like the United States.

“You know what Tamim does! He buys only $12 billion of American weapons from Abu Ivanka. Now unfortunately, Abu Ivanka is treating us as equal quality buyers … $150 billion versus $12 billion. This is a shame.”

“O my son, you have greater qualities than people can see. Instead of discussing little Tamim’s minuscule purchase, I will ask Abu Ivanka to double our order from $150 billion to $300 billion. God be Praised … the oil wells keeps gushing and we have the means to satisfy our benefactors.”

“O Father, this is a fantastic idea! No doubt this is why in his wisdom, our benefactor Lawrence of Arabia chose my grandfather, the most hallowed ‘Abdulaziz Al Saud to rule this land. May God grant him the choicest of stations with Him.

“It looks like that Abu Ivanka’s Secretary of State Tillerson has put me on speed dial. He keeps repeating that I come to an understanding with Tamim.

“I am sure Tillerson will see light when he sees Tamim wearing those dangerous socks!

“O Father, first we owe it our dearest Abdel Fattah el-Sisi … our Abu Mustafa. The first Marsum al Maliki declares that in your position as Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques you have declared that all fatawa and decrees and researches done by Yusuf al-Qaradawi are null and void, and anyone acting according to them cannot be considered a Muslim … simply a kufr to follow this troublemaker al-Qardawi. Abu-Mustafa should get him and hang him with his own hands.

“This decree will turn Tamim into a dwarf! Now he can refuse to hand over al-Qaradawi to Abu Mustafa!.

“O Father, you are the only Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques.

“This second Marsum al Maliki declares it unlawful … haram … to watch, listen or read any media in form originating from Qatar. And watching Aljazeera is declared alkhatiyat alkubraa … a major sin.”

“Yes, my son, our people should not even get a wink of those rotten socks that Tamim is wearing.”

“Indeed, O Father, you speak rightly.

“The third and also important decree is that as Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques, you have made both the Red Sea and Arabian Gulf coasts as well as all Saudi airbases and airports America’s home base.

“You will now talk to Abu Ivanka while showing him this decree.

“So now let Tamim brag about his American Al Udeid Air Base. It will now look like a little hut to our Abu Ivanka.”

Alhamdulillah … it is indeed God’s benevolence to bless me with a son like you, dear Mohammad.

Insha Allah, when the Houti campaign ends, we will arrange a grand ceremony to install you as Chief Field Marshal of Yemen and Qatar.”

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