Upon his return from Umra and then celebrating Eid in London with his family, Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif has convened a cabinet meeting at Constitution Avenue, his official residence.
The refreshed head of state has his tall glass of khoya-topped lassi.
He runs his fingers on the glass … and finally able to silence the praise chants of Railways Minister Khawaja Saad Rafiq, he starts his talk.
“You know when I was told that satisfied cows give better quality milk, I ordered one dozen cows from New Zealand and got an air-conditioned house built for them where, during the time of Mohtarima Benazir Bhutto, there used be the house for the polo ponies of my brother Asif Ali Zardari.
“What a lassi! Masha Allah.”
The Prime Minister signals his attendant to serve the entire cabinet lassi.
Once again, finally quieting the praise chants of Khawaja Saad Rafiq, he said, “After performing my Umra and visit to the resting place of our Beloved Prophet – salla Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam – I obtained audience with His Majesty King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques.
“Let me digress here. You heard them … eediots like Imran Khan and Shireen Mazari who only know how to make objections, were saying instead of London, I should have gone to Quetta and Parachinar to condole with the bombing victims. Hainji, ask these eeditots that there is bombing every day, why they eat breakfast, why they eat lunch, why they eat dinner … they should know that Mian Mohammad Nawaz Sharif is Prime Minister, the third time. They can’t understand why I went to London.
“I thanked His Majesty, Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques for hospitality, especially providing luxury accommodation for my entire entourage. At that time, he interjected that all the important people go to London to observe Ramadan, and I was here. So I obeyed His Majesty King Salman, Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques, and from right there, at the palace in the company of His Majesty, I texted to my pilot to get enough oil to fly direct to London
“His Majesty, Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques, said masha Allah three times. Of course he knows that I am third time prime minister of Pakistan.
“The Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques seemed a bit perturbed. Of course, I could not ask His Majesty, but then he himself explained his non-cheerfulness. He said that the little pest … of course, I did not notice any cockroach running on the carpet, and when he sensed my anxiousness, as I was raising both my feet, he clarified. He said you know this pest, this Qatar, this Tamim … this Al Thani … this Tamim bin Hamad … he is not able to listen to me and other rulers. His head was already bigger than his country and now President Trump … Donald … Abu Ivanka made it even bigger by selling him $12 billion of arms.
“He said that Emir of Qatar knows that this $12 billion is not even a date pit in front of the $150 billion of arms that I have bought from Abu Ivanka, but this is enough to swell some heads … inflated head like Tamim.
“At that point, His Majesty, Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques started playing a video on his big TV. But it was silent. I saw it was President George W. Bush and only the Arabic translation was coming on the screen. Then His Majesty, Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques asked me to read it. But you know in Pakistan, our only Arabic is what we read in our five prayers.
“I could not question His Majesty, so I started to recite the first surah that my Abbaji taught me for the prayer … At that point His Majesty, Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques banged his walking stick on the carpet three times and asked his servant to run the section in English …
”It was the famous speech give by His Excellency President Bush on November 6, 2001, which said, ‘Over time it’s going to be important for nations to know they will be held accountable for inactivity,’ he said. ‘You’re either with us or against us in the fight against terror.’
“Being third time Prime Minister of Pakistan, I immediately understood what His Majesty, Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques wanted.”
Once again suppressing Khawaja Rafiq’s praise chanting, the Prime Minister continued, “I told him that you are my Mai Baap … my Mother and Father … But again, His Majesty, Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques, banged his walking stick on the carpet three times. Of course being third time Prime Minister of Pakistan, I understood, and said that he is my Father and Grandfather. This seems to have made him happy.
“He said that he has heard that we have an army that beat India on English soil. He said that he wants this army to stand against Qatar.
“I told him that at the moment this army has a uniform which says Pepsi on it.
“So I said I have just now texted to Najam Sethi … He stopped me there and asked ‘Who is this Najam Sethi? Why you sent us Raheel Shareef and not Najam Sethi?’
“I respectfully said ‘Your Majesty, you are my Father and Grandfather, I have texted Najam Sethi to get them new uniform which says BEBSI.
“Alhamdulillah, His Majesty, Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques, waved his walking stick like sword and said, ‘Allahu Akbar BEBSI’.”