A Wayward Son [of Lawrence of Arabia]

The Custodian of Two Holy Mosques His Majesty King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud is in a meeting with President General Abdel Fattah El-Sisi of Egypt, Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyan, UAE President and Supreme Commander of the UAE Armed Forces and Chairman of the Supreme Council and Supreme Petroleum Council, Shaikh Hamad bin Isa Al Khalifa, the King of Bahrain, Maldives President Abdulla Yameen Abdul Gayoom, and Yemen President Abdrabbuh Mansur Hadi.

King Salman starts the proceedings, “O my brothers, my kin, and my fellow sons of Lawrence of Arabia, this Tamim … this Qatari … this Tamim Al Hamad Al Thani has ben behaving oddly since his father got him the franchise to host the FIFA World Cup in 2022.

“I tell you if Abu Ivanka instead of that Kenyan, that Barack, would have been President then, the Al Thani would have not even come anywhere near the World Cup.”

“Yes, indeed, my respected brother Salman you are right. Now Tamim is threatening that he won’t allow any Saudis, Bahrainis and Emiratis to shop in his Harrods. I mean this is the limit! Our ladies will be left askance. I mean, how will they do their Eid shopping? I mean Tamim really wants to rub our noses in the sand … he wants our ladies to be seen in Topshop, or Zara, or Forever 21. Astaghfir-Allah. I won’t even let my servants to go there!” declared UAE President Al Nayhan.

“I consider this move to be hugely aggressive,” chimed Bahraini king Al Khalifa.

“Uff our princess being forced to shop with the common people … yes, most of the common people in these stores are from the people of the land of our blessed Lawrence of Arabia. This is highly indecent and in fact violates the Shariah.” Al Khalifa declared.

King Salman, his voice quivering with emotion, states, “I mean, there is Tamim … and then there is our beloved brother Abdel Fattah … General El-Sisi. You see how he has strictly followed the hadith where the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, ‘The parable of the believers in their affection, mercy, and compassion for each other is that of a body. When any limb aches, the whole body reacts with sleeplessness and fever’.

“He knows that we the sons of Lawrence of Arabia can only enjoy good health when we enjoy full authority of government. So when he saw that awful Brotherhood … that Ikhwan al-Muslimeen taking over Egypt … everyone was calling it democracy … no democracy … our great benefactor Lawrence never mentioned democracy to any of us. Am I right!

“So our dear brother Abdel Fattah put Mohammed Morsi where he belongs … the jail, and shut down his Ikhwan. Indeed Egypt had become an unhealthy example … having an observant Muslim ruler.

Masha Allah, our dear brother Abdel Fattah made it forcefully clear that Qatar’s policy ‘threatens Arab national security and sows the seeds of strife and division within Arab societies according to a deliberate plan aimed at the unity and interests of the Arab nation’.

“Indeed, I am told that a United States State Department Acting Assistant Secretary of State Stuart Jones, after he returned from his trip with Abu Ivanka … President Donald Trump, was asked by a reporter that Secretary of State Rex Tillerson had criticized the conduct of the Iranian elections and Iran’s record on democracy standing next our Saudi officials in Riyadh. The reporter asked Mr. Jones that how does he characterize Saudi Arabia’s commitment to democracy, and does the administration believe that democracy is a buffer or a barrier against extremism?”

Lahawla wilaquwwata illah billahi al-Azeem … this Iran doing democracy … Alhamdulillah, Abu Ivanka called me on Tuesday … yes, indeed, Abu Ivanka himself. He talked about the critical goals of preventing the financing of terrorist organizations and eliminating the promotion of extremism by any nation in the region. In his talk, Abu Ivanka underscored that a united Gulf Cooperation Council is critical to defeating terrorism and promoting regional stability.

“And we all know that Tamim is obstructing the unity of our family of the Sons of Lawrence of Arabia.

“In fact, this Tamin said that Iran was an ‘Islamic power’ and criticized Abu Ivanka’s policy towards Iran. Astaghfirullah.

“Now I hear that this Abu-Hamad is making excuses that someone put it on his government website.

“When I called him to meet with our beloved Abu Ivanka, I told him that he should seek inspiration from our dear brother Abdel Fattah about caring for the Muslim, and not to hurt any part. I told that he is just a bit older than my Mohammad, and I seek the best for him. I tried my best to explain to him that Abu Ivanka is far greater a benefactor of ours than Lawrence of Arabia, may God bless his soul.”
“Your Majesty, my respected brother, I would say that Tamim should be kicked out of the Council. Indeed, my country, Maldives would readily accept that place,” offered President Abdulla Yameen.

Masha Allah, my brother Abdulla Yameen is another shining example of kinship.

“But this Tamim is infatuated with the FAA … and that too five years in the future that he is fixated on having Aljzeera. We too have newspaper in our Kingdom but patriotic people, not like Aljazeera crowd, run them! May be he thinks that Aljazeera will do his World Cup show.

“Now Tamim does not want to ban Ikhwan, when he knows that those pests believe in democracy. Lahawla wilaquwatta illah billah.

“Pakistan has democracy too but when I asked, Nawaz Sharif sent his topmost retired general Raheel Sharif to lead our Islamic military alliance. He has been our guest for ten years and he is very obedient.

“I heard that he was a little bit depressed that I gave him only a watch but I gave a yacht and a few other things to Abu Ivanka. But he knows that we paid $9 million to General Musharraf to save his life. However, I fully understand that presently he cannot move against Qatar because he needs Hamad Bin Jassim Bin Jaber Al-Thani to ward off the Supreme Court inquiry against him.

“Now my brother Sheikh Sabah Al Ahmad Al Jaber Al Sabah is saying that we allow his country Kuwait to help solve the problem.

“I have told him that he has to convince Tamim to change his stance and do all what Abu Ivanka told him to do.

“I also have Abu Ivanka that this young Tamim is just a wayward son of Lawrence of Arabia. This is not what our beloved Lawrence taught us.

“I mean today, we have a god-sent blessing in the person of Abu Ivanka just our earlier generation had the blessings of he presence of Lawrence of Arabia. We all must open our ears and listen to Abu Ivanka.”

King Salman orders another round of qahwa and they conclude their meeting.

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