The yoga session is over and Prime Minister Narendra Modi strides into his office. A secretary follows carrying a glass of the leader’s preferred drink, panchgavya — a drink made of five cow products: milk, ghee (boiled butter), yogurt, urine and dung.
Present in the meeting are the union Finance and Defense Minister Arun Jaitley, Minister of Commerce and Industry Nirmala Sitharaman, Home Minister Raj Nath Singh, Agriculture Minister Radha Mohan Singh, Information & Broadcasting Minister M. Venkaiah Naidu.
Also present by special invitation is Syed Zainual Abedin Ali Khan, the diwaan of Ajmer Sharif Dargah.
Modi whispers to fellow Gujrati, Jaitley in his native Gujrati, “Praise be to Lord Hunaman that we have useful idiots among Muslims. There is Mehbooba Mufti controlling Jammu and Kashmir for us. Now Lord Hunuman has gifted us with Syed Zainual Abedin Ali Khan, the diwaan of Ajmer Sharif Dargah.
“He has given us more than gunpowder that their prophet also discouraged eating beef,” he continued in Gujrati.
He smiled to himself that this information has come when his party’s new chief minister in Uttar Pradesh, Yogi Adityanath, has launched a crackdown on abattoirs to check that they are taking the lives of Our Sacred Mother.
The Prime Minister beamed to himself once again repeating the diwaan’s words, ‘I appeal to the lawmakers to make a policy and ban cow slaughter so as to maintain peace and harmony in the country,’ and that he is a strong opponent of consuming beef and discourages all visitors at the shrine from cooking it.
The Prime Minister notes, with the tone of his voice betraying satisfaction, “I am really thankful to Lord Hanuman that our people’s love for our Sacred Mother remains at its peak. This is most positive news that a Muslim was beaten up by our brave for transporting cows. Not just beaten up, that Muslim has died too.
“And I have this report from Kashmir state assembly, that our swayamsevaks taught a good lesson to member Rashid Ahmed for serving beef at his members’ hostel. Imagine he is taking salary from us, and murdering our Sacred Mother!
“O Our Lord Hanuman, we thank you … our constituency is safe.
“You know that it has been nearly two years ago that a Muslim was taught a lesson. They spirit of unconditional love for our Sacred Mother has not diminished.
“All of India loves us for our love for our Sacred Mother. After the next election, there will be no opposition.
“It is most opportune that we all must thank our Lord Hanuman.”
The Prime Minister writes a note and hands it over to his secretary that 10 kilo of sweets should be offered to the monkeys – the progeny of Lord Hanuman — who make home in the secretariat grounds.
The Minister of Commerce and Industry Nirmala Sitharaman speaks out, “Indeed our swayamsevaks … our Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh are doing a fine job in maintaining the security of our Sacred Mother but we need not only constant vigilance but also keep a sharp on other areas to complete respect for our Sacred Mother.
“Our respected leader, the Lion of India. Modiji, you may be well aware of the imported Western scourge of demanding leather upholstery, be it furniture or cars… this is a threat to our Sacred Mothers.
“We need to act.”
The chief minister in Uttar Pradesh, Yogi Adityanath who has been brought on line, demands, “I will agree with Shrimati Nirmala Sitharaman that we need to act. We should completely ban the use of leather.
“It goes without saying that Muslims cannot be trusted. The Muslim workers dominate the meat industry and are covering up the slaughter of cows and passing off the meat as buffalo.
“We have no choice but to ban leather… we can’t wear shoes made with the skin of our Sacred Mother. We can’t sit on furniture made from the skin of our Sacred Mother only because we are told that this or that is buffalo leather.
“I would strongly suggest we should regularize our Hindu cow-protection groups and give them authority to stop trucks on highways and punish anyone transporting bovine animals.
Information Naidu interjects, “We have billions of dogs in our Motherland and they are neither our sacred mother, nor our sacred father. We can legislate using their skin.”
The Prime Minister guffaws, “Naidu ji, I don’t think that you keep an eye on USA or Europe! Don’t even mention dogs. They are sacred to these white people more than our Sacred Mother is sacred to us.”
“So, our Honorable Prime Minister, what is the alternative?”
Sitharaman thanks Yogi Adityanath and declares, “Naidu ji, we should explore the utilization of the skin of Muslims … there is no shortage of them … going 200 million plus!
“How else do we utilize these Muslims? They can’t be hired. They can’t be admitted to educational institutions. We can’t even touch the food they have touched. So … what is their use!
“My question to Syed Zainual Abedin Ali Khan, the diwaan of Ajmer Sharif Dargah, is that how can he help us to put down any disagreement over the use of skin of Muslims. I needn’t remind him and remind all of you that India has 200 million and more of them!
“And you know, we can get good light colored skin from Kashmir even without using Fair&Lovely! … and best of all, no one one is this world will object to our intelligent move.”
Modi speaks out, “Indeed India’s greatness lies in wisely using its resources. And my dear Diwaan Zainul Abedin, there can be a Bharat Ratna on offer.”
The Prime Minister draws the attention of Home Minister Raj Nath Singh, and stresses, “We want foolproof security for our Sacred Mothers.”
“Indeed, your honors. We have the machinery and it’s working. It has never stopped but now our swayamsevaks … our Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh … will be working with the government departments at levels with full dedication.”
They all shout: Jai Hind.