Nawaz Sharif is addressing a meet with the press event, when a reporter asks about his health, and that as reports go, he has a kidney stone.
“My friend, Shaikh Khan, how is your TV station, Qalabaz News doing?”
“Honorable Prime Minister Sahib, I was asking about your health …”
“My dear friend, if my health was bad, I would not have been here. I would be in London meeting with Dr. Hunting Armor-Shuttle who has the nicest office on Harley Street.
“When I go there, his secretary is bringing me green tea … (he guffaws) … I have to tell her that I am not a vegetarian. I am telling her that she should suggest to her boss, Dr. Hunting Armor-Shuttle to serve lassi to people from Pakistan.
“She says her name is Cherry Charington-Crousestreet. So, I tell her, ‘Oh, yes. In Lahore, we have a Charing Cross. And she is going red like chuqandar in her face … like it is lipstick all over her face… You know Shabaz Sahib told me that chuqandar is called beetroot in English. And I am surprised that why someone would beat a red vegetable!
“Then this lady is telling me that she knows that there is a Charing Cross Road in London too, but her name is not Charing Cross.
“So, I am telling her may be she should come to Lahore to learn to talk in English because to me her name is like Charing Cross.
“Oh Shaikh Khan Sahib, I was talking about my health.
“Finally, this Charing Cross is saying come and see Dr. Hunting Armor-Shuttle. And you know this doctor is saying that my heart is of gold. I am telling him, I am third time Prime Minister of Pakistan, it is of platinum, may be your machine, Dr. Hunting Armor-Shuttle is doing a wrong reading.
“Now, Oh Shaikh Khan Sahib, about the kidney stone story you are hearing. Thank God this story is not coming from Imran Khan.
“You know, I am the only person in Pakistan to be Prime Minister three times, so everyone is saying that I should go to the hospital. So the mother of Husain, Hasan and Maryam is asking my secretary to call the ambulance. But when I see the ambulance, I am telling them that how can some person who is third time Prime Minister of Pakistan travel in a vehicle without the Pakistan and Prime Minister flags.
“You know that all thing is happening in Jati Umra. They tell me that ambulances don’t have equipment for putting flags. So I ask my secretary to fetch Shehkar Butt, the owner of Shehkar Butt Welding & Denting & Painting Shop of Raiwind to put the flag equipment. When they put the flags, I let them take me into the ambulance on a stretcher.
“When I arrive at the hospital, Dr. Sargosh Phaddybazz comes to see me. But I tell him that I just saw a sweet lady doctor from the window. He is telling me that he was told that I have stomach ache and he is a gastroenterologist from England and America. I am telling him that he may gas plant or gas factory from England, America, France, and Germany, but I don’t have gas problem. I am not making any bad smell. I only want to be seen by the sweet lady doctor.
“You know Shaikh Khan Sahib what this Dr. Sargosh Phaddybazz is telling me that the lady doctor is OB/Gyn. And I said Doctor Sahib, I have played first class cricket even without helmet against Imran Khan, I know ‘OB’ mean off-break. I also know that girls are playing cricket in Pakistan but what is an off-break bowler doing in a hospital? Yes Sir! Tell me?
“So he is saying that we will test you.
“Oye, test, I say. But now T/20 is everywhere. I said, go and ask Sethi Sahib!
“So my dear Shaikh Khan Sahib they are putting me every machine in their hospital. I am telling them that I am third time Prime Minister of Pakistan and I need lassi. But they are not listening to me.
“So Shaikh Khan Sahib, after two hours they tell me that there is stone in my kidney.
“I ask them that what is the size of the kidney. They tell me that an adult human kidney is about 4 to 5 inches long, approximately 2 to 3 inches wide and about 1 inch thick.
“I tell this Dr. Sargosh Phaddybazz that I am taking the next flight South Africa.
“My friend Shaikh Khan Sahib you will agree with me that a person who is third time Prime Minister of Pakistan cannot have a common kankari (pebble) or even a butta (stone). It can be nothing but a diamond. You remember just now I told you that this doctor in London told me that my heart is of gold. You know that gold jewelry always diamond in it. And I told about the size of a person’s kidney!
“You know Shaikh Khan Sahib that whenever I am buying diamond for the mother of Husain, Hasan and Maryam, the jeweler is telling me that it is from DeBeers Company of South Africa.
“I will ask DeBeers to take out this diamond. After this gem is taken out, I will ask Mr. DeBeers, the president of DeBeers Company to back date it to the date of purchase of our Mayfair property.
“Shaikh Khan Sahib, I tell you that this is best thing that has happened in this climate of accusations against me and my children.
“Shaikh Khan Sahib, just imagine how the faces of Imran Khan, Shaikh Rasheed and Sirajul Haq will look like when my lawyers Makhdoom Ali Khan and Shahid Hamid are telling Justice Asif Saeed Khosa, Justice Ejaz Afzal Khan, Justice Gulzar Ahmed, Justice Sheikh Azmat Saeed and Justice Ijaz-ul-Ahsan that miti pao … throw the soil on the Qatari letters, now see this letter from Mr. DeBeers, the president of DeBeers Company. See the money for the Mayfair flats came the three times Prime Minister of Pakistan Nawaz Sharif’s very own … personal diamond!
“Shaikh Khan Sahib, I am not a hafiz, but this reminds me of Surah al-Insirah … “Verily, with hardship there is relief.”