Prime Minister Modi was huddled with Rajinder Khanna, the Secretary (Research) in official speak, and in deed, the head of the Research and Analysis Service (RAW), pouring over the map of Pakistan, and an enlarged map of the Pakistani province of Baluchistan.
Khanna had lighted up the screen of his secure laptop with the list of his assets in Pakistan and abroad: and the prominent among them Bramdagh Bugti in Switzerland, and Altaf Hussain in London were the topic of discussion.
There were also other assets like the ever-active Baluchistan House in Canada, which never spares an opportunity to champion the Indian cause. During his tenure, Congress Party’s Salman Khurshid, the former foreign minister, had cultivated these contacts.
Just like the successful RAW project that led to the occupation of East Pakistan and its re-branding as Bangladesh, the Baluchistan project was being sold to the world on the “democracy and democratic dissent” plank. The U.S. and its allies wary of the growth Chinese influence in the region were on the same page with India on Baluchistan. And of course, the chance to have another go are pruning the size the world’s only Muslim nuclear power, Pakistan.
Amidst such discussion, suddenly burst in Sanjeev Kumar Singla, the Private Secretary to the Prime Minister, waiving a printout of a BBC news item.
“Maha Mantri, Shiri … it’s a bit dated but I just received the excellent news published by the BBC! On August 30, Rangers and police in Australia´s Northern Territory arrested and removed a 4.3-meter long crocodile that had been preying on cattle! I mean our Scared Mother, Gau Mata … the cows!
“BBC tells us that at a cattle station near Daly River, roughly 200 km south of Darwin, this crocodile had been feasting on local livestock.
“Shiri Maha Mantri, I clearly suspect this beast … this pest must be a Muslim … they can’t keep their teeth off our Sacred Mother.”
The Prime Minister pushed aside the map to read the printout himself, and declared:
“Jai Australia Jai.
“The immediate order of things should be that we confer the Bharat Ratna on the Northern Territory Police, Fire and Emergency Services.
“Shri Sanjeev, please immediately send an email to Shrimati Sushma Swaraj that she advises Shri Navdeep Suri at the high commission in Canberra that he conveys to Commissioner Reece Kershaw that India is honored in awarding its highest award Bharat Ratna to his department for their bravery in protecting our Sacred Mother.
“Indeed, I will ask Shrimati Sushma to arrange Commissioner Kershaw’s visit to India so I can personally present the Ratna to him on January 26, our Republic Day. What a better occasion to recognize a lover of our Sacred Mother.”
The Private Secretary seeks his boss’ permission and asks, “But Maha Mantri, the Australians are big beef exporters and consumers! Also, I am afraid that people like Arvind Kejriwal and his Aam Aadmi Party may start asking how an Australian cow can be an Indian’s Sacred Mother?”
The Prime Minister strongly responds, “Shri Sanjeev, Bharat is in safe hands with Gau Sewa Aayog [cow service commission]. The Haryana Director General of Police Dr. K.P. Singh has ordered his people to pick biryani samples from eateries in the state’s Muslim districts to check for beef.
“Indeed, I would say that Dr. Singh also deserves a Bharat Ratna! I mean it should be our Haryana Chief Minister Shri Manohar Lal Khattar. It is his leadership that counts.
“Yes, we should establish a corps, the Biryani Jaanch Force [Biryani Evaluation Force] and it should empowered to evaluate any biryani cooked anywhere in India, be it in a thatched hut or a mansion.
“Shri Sanjeev, please make a note for our finance minister Shri Arun Jaitley to include it in our next budget.
“And Shri Sanjeev about the Australian cows or any other cows around the world thinking that they are not our Sacred Mothers, I am immediately ordering Shri Arun Jaitley to direct the Secretary Department of Revenue Dr. Hasmukh Adhia to grant Non-Resident Indian status to all cows around the world, Australia, USA, and whatever! Every cow is scared to us and every cow is our Sacred Mother.
“It is simple: if you are a cow, you are our Sacred Mother!”