Why this Fuss over Climate Change

Musings of the Prime Minister

I still don’t understand why all this fuss over something they call climate change. Now on November 30, they had the two-week 21st UN Climate Change Conference in the French capital, Paris that is.

We all know climate change is so easy. You have your heating system and your air-conditioning system, and if it is cold, you raise the temperature and so on. In fact, both in Jati Umra and in the Prime Minister House, I have staff that takes care of climate change.

And in Pakistan, we have no climate change problem. We shut power for ten, fifteen, twenty hours, whether it is hot or cold! And if people complain too much about rising temperature, we can always raise the price of petrol so people will drive less and of course generate less heat. Climate control just needs an executive order!

You know because the conference was in Paris, I said that it is a bonus, Kulsoom can also catch up on some of her shopping. My personal choice is shopping in Champs Elysées where you all the boutiques such as Cartier, Christian Dior, Gucci, Fendi, Hugo Boss, Valentino and more. But ladies you know, they know more. Our embassy in Paris takes care of that, they arrange a limousine for Kulsoom and she is having nice time. I think this is real climate change because no one is creating mischief because in Pakistan, someone or the other is creating bad weather. Some are raising temperature by trying to block my Orange Line, someone making the climate worst by saying too much was spent on bus lines. And there is Imran Khan, nonstop raising the temperature high by saying that I am taking too many loans, and that I am spending too much on public transportation. So. Tell me how do you get votes? Do you get votes by building homes for street children? Who cares for something called street children. This is something new. I had never heard about this before. When there will be streets, there will be everyone there, including children. So why just homes only for the children?

Yes, I know that when he was young, Imran Khan used to create climate change, making it hot, sometimes very hot for the batsmen with his bouncers. But how he is old, only good for jogging alone in Bani Gala! And I hear that he does not use conditioning. So what he knows about climate change! He he he.

Thank God outside Pakistan there is no climate change problem. If it is hot, all the stores are pleasantly cooled, and if its cold, they are nicely warmed. But there were 147 world leaders, including President Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin, my friend President Xi Jinping and Prime Minister David Cameron all talking about climate change. In fact, I was going to ask Rana Tanveer Hussain, our Minister for Science and Technology, to get me a display size heating and cooling control so I could show all these people how climate change works: up for high, down for low. Simple!

Then I learnt that for this climate conference in Paris, we need a climate change minister. A minister! Believe me! Even in our Ittifaq group and our sugar mills, we have a mechanic who takes care of climate change. Even that is not necessary most of the time because labor needs work, hot or cold they will work. Right!

So I asked the good man Zahid Hamid to become Minister of Climate Change. Of course, he accepted because he knew his first trip would be to Paris. Yes, he is good man. Of course, everyone has his weakness. See even I appointed this Pervez Musharraf as Chief of Army Staff. Yes, Zahid had defected to the Chaudhries of Gujrat and enjoyed cabinet posts under Musharraf but when I was elected, he readily came to me. I appointed him first as Minister for Science & Technology. Later, I made him Minister of Home Affairs, and now this new post. He is a very versatile man, ready for any post, under anyone although his education is in law. He is real team player.

This reminds me that I will ask Zahid Sahib to take a close look at Eiffel Tower. If you have visited Paris, you see there are always tourists there.

Yes, we have our Minar-i Pakistan but I am thinking that we can divert lot of criticism from Orange Line if we put an Eiffel Tower like attraction somewhere along that line. Imagine all those lights and people of Lahore happy and voting for Nawaz Sharif.

This will be another mouth-breaking reply to Imran Khan. I know now that his Peshawar cancer hospital is built, he will start the Karachi cancer hospital. Ha ha ha … like Gujrati business people who have titles like Dhoutiwala, Bandukwala, he too can take up the title Imran Khan Cancerhospitalwala! He he he! Yes, Cancerhospitalwala!

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