When in Malta have a Malta


Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif has returned from his visit to Malta where he attended the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting on November 27-28, 2015.

The Award of Appreciation given to him by the Commonwealth Youth Council firmly held in his right hand. He flashes a smile, and says, “You know that this award has been given to me in recognition of my contribution for the development of youth across Pakistan and the Commonwealth.

“In my speech of thankfulness, I gave them examples of promotion of youth: I told them about Maryam Nawaz, Hamza Shahbaz, and Abid Sher Ali, the cream of Pakistani youth. There was not a sound. I am sure that they were impressed by my speech.

“You all know that Her Majesty, the Queen was there and so were 53 heads of state and government. I was asked to stand in line right behind Her Majesty. In fact, I tried to approach her to tell her that it is under her enlightened rule in London that my sons Husain and Hasan are living there and doing business there. This is another example of promotion of youth. I think that someone came in the way and I missed talking to Her Majesty. Any way, the next time. This meeting is held every two years.
“Lieutenant General Javed Zia, our Ambassador who has concurrent accreditation to Malta, was walking alongside, and I ask ‘General Sahib, are you sure that we are in Malta because I see no malta anywhere. You know how someone of our generals are so English in outlook, so I reminded him that malta is that round orange fruit. As the general was telling me he will ask the hotel concierge to send the fruit to my room, that I see the French President walking toward me. You know he was there to ask Commonwealth leaders to support France against terrorism.

“When I saw him coming, I immediately dived into my pocket to get the card for talking to the French president. Although I came up empty, I greeted him warmly, I told him ‘President Hollande, we can also call you Mr. Netherland right, I am so happy to meet you. My country has great background in terrorism! You know that when the nasty General Pervez Musharraf had sent me to live in palace in Saudi Arabia, behind my back, he offered Pakistan as partner to George W. Bush in his war against terrorism. Now I am speaking nonstop, and instead of wasting time in trying to read from my cards, I stretch my arms as wide as possible two times and tell him that so many Pakistani army people and so many ordinary Pakistani people have been killed by terrorism. But then I notice an unhappy look on the face of this Hollande or Netherland! So I immediately change the subject. I tell him that the French people are great chefs! I told him that their greatest invention is French Fries. I told him that although I am just an ordinary Lahore boy, and I don’t eat hamburger but when I eat bun kabab, I always do a double order of French Fries.

“But instead of smiling this Hollande or Netherland, whispers the word ‘Paris’. Oh now I see he wants to talk about terrorism. So I tell him that Pakistan has the best expert in fighting terrorism and I can spare him exactly after one year, in November 2016. I tell him we have General Raheel Sharif, the great expert in fighting terrorism who is retiring in November 2016, and Mr. Hollande, or did I address him as Mr. Netherland, can hire him then.

He he he … this is a smart move on my part, I said to myself. When General Raheel is offered the luxury of Paris, he will not ask me for any extension!

“But I did warn Mr. Hollande, or was it Netherland, that General Raheel has one weakness, he keeps issuing press releases where he uses the word ‘governance’. I don’t know what it means; we have governors in all of our provinces. But here is the catch this press release habit comes with the man.

“So I wasted no time and said Banjo Banjo to this Mr. Hollande, or was it Netherland. And General Sahib is whispering in my ear that it is bonjour. And actually, I should have said Au revoir which he said means goodbye.

“Whatever. I think that it is a Mission Accomplished moment. I have made this Hollande or Netherland happy, I am making General Raheel happy, and when France is taking General Raheel, even Imran Khan will not ask for extension for General Raheel. One more year only because right now General Raheel is causing too many problems in Karachi with his Rangers and raids. My dear brother Asif Zardari’s personal physician and dear friend Dr. Asim Hussain is rotting in jail for what!!! And Altaf Bhai is developing mental issues and as a result gaining even more weight, as he is not allowed to make speeches on TV.

“Oh, now I remember another thing. One of my dear friends who lives in London was telling me that because I am meeting so many people and going to so many countries, I need a butler. He was telling me about a fine Englishman Mr. Bertie Wooster who had a very efficient butler called Mr. Jeeves. He tells me that with Jeeves, Mr. Wooster never needed any notes in his pocket. This Mr. Jeeves would be doing all this for him. I think this is a great idea. Come to think of it, Mr. Wooster was an English gentleman and I am third time Prime Minister of Pakistan. Today, I will ask our ambassador in London, Syed Ibne Abbas to engage a butler for me. Of course, he will be a white man, so we can assign a cabinet post for him, Minister for Prime Ministerial Affairs. I will Mr Abbas to send Bentley for this new cabinet member too. Indeed, I first I need to thank my friend for this gem of an advice!”




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