The Devil Up North

Donald Trump has convened an emergency meeting of all the Republican presidential candidates at his Trump Tower office in New York City.

They are seated in alphabetical order starting from The Donald’s right: Jeb Bush, Ben Carson, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina, Jim Gilmore, Lindsey Graham, Mike Huckabee, Bobby Jindal, John Kasich, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, and Rick Santorum.

“Welcome. You all know that I am the only right person to take on Hillary or Bernie, or whoever the Democrats throw our way. But I have invited you to discuss a very vital matter that is central to the future of the United States.

“Here is Dr. Sanders who is doing a magnificent job at giving it to the Muslims. Who needs their stinking votes? And they are not even 1% of the 320 million Americans. Like me, Dr. Sanders has never apologized for being, what they call, “politically incorrect.” The other day, David Cameron had a great idea and I immediately endorsed it. Yep, close their mosques. And by God, these things don’t look like churches. No.

“Our immediate attention should be Canada. This victory by Trudeau junior, I mean Justin, is troubling. He whacked our Stephen, Stephen Harper. Indeed, Stephen was doing a great job, never letting a moment go without hitting at Muslims.

“I know that this Trudeau and his Liberals are not as dangerous as NDP, but even then we need to stop this anti-Conservative virus from seeping into America.”

Carson interjects, “Mr. Trump, don’t overlook the horrible scenes of this Trudeau guy dressed like a Muslim, and sitting like a Muslim on the floor, and having a meal in a mosque in Canada! I mean in Canada. Isn’t Canada a Christian country anymore?”

“Yes. I agree with Dr. Carson. This guy is giving all the wrong ideas to Muslims. Tomorrow they  may come asking us to visit a mosque. I mean, really.

“Jimmy Carter in 91. And last year,  he spoke at a Muslim convention. You could expect anything from Jimmy Carter. Not that he is 91. He is Jimmy. I am not surprised.

“I have to remind you all that I am the only one to take up the GOP standard. Jeb, I mean would anyone in his or her right mind vote for the brother of the wonky-headed George! The numbers show.

“Now Dr. Carson, you are neurosurgeon and it is a shame you are throwing these Iowa numbers at people. As a doctor, you must have seen Iowan “brains”! And you go around brandishing those Iowa numbers.

“I am the only nominee, err, I mean the only candidate who has his eye on everything. I have warned that Muslim women wear face veils so they don’t have to wear make up. Not wearing make-up is an un-American as not eating hot dogs. The projected revenue of the U.S. cosmetic industry is estimated to amount to about $62.46 billion in 2016. Can we let such a big sector our economy die? How about the taxes it is generating!

“When I take charge as President of the United States, I am going to insist that the Saudis ban the burqa in their country if they want to buy our weapons. They are depriving the American cosmetics industry of their share of this market.

“Now let’s go back to real reason for this meeting, the danger in our immediate north. And of course, across the Pond. This young Trudeau’s victory will only encourage Jeremy Corbyn. We have lost Canada and we cannot afford to lose Britain.

“When I will return from the oath taking ceremony to the Trump, er, White House on Friday, January 20, 2017, I will sign two executive orders. The first will begin the construction of wall between the United States and Mexico. The second will begin the construction of the wall between the United States and Canada. We have to seal the American people from all evil influences.

“Yes, the Canadian Liberal Party is not as hard left as the National Democratic Party. But the Liberals in power will be taxing the rich more to give tax breaks to others. Why should I pay for some poor guy’s meals, when I should be creating jobs by upgrading my own jet?

“Yes, there are still 13 months to go, and much pollution can come down south to us from Canada, but we need to stop it. This is my promise to the American people that we will start building the 1,933 miles long wall between the United States and Canada, we will also start construction of the 5525 miles long wall between the United States and Canada. Let me assure our friends in Alaska that this includes the 1,538 miles length of the Alaska-Canada border.

“Long live America!”

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