The media is gathered at Islamabad’s airport as Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif arrives in the VVIP Lounge.
He is a bit flustered at the sight of the media throng. He stares at Information Minister Pervaiz Rasheed and says shaking his head, “I was only meeting with President Obama and Vice President Biden for one day, and why there are so many journalists present to ask me questions?”
Pervaiz Rasheed is quick to retort, “It is all the fault of Imran Khan’s dharna politics. Imran Khan has encouraged them to move in throngs. Your Excellency, next time, I will not allow them to come anywhere near you.
“Indeed, Pervaiz Sahib, you are right. Imran is a cricketer, and he is used to crowding fielders around batsmen. Isn’t it unfair with the batsmen? If the rules were different, I would have scored more than the one run in first class cricket.
“Now Pervaiz Sahib what do these people want to know from me?”
“Your Excellency, they have questions relating to your successful meeting with President Obama.”
“OK. So on Thursday morning, Vice President invites me for breakfast at the Naval Observatory. I am thinking, I will get a chance to look through all those telescopes but this Naval Observatory is really the portion of the campus where Biden lives. I mean, they could have changed the name to Vice President of the United States Residence or Junior White House. Naval Observatory! You are thinking that telescopes will surround you. You know that especially a person with less hair like me has to be careful in the company of all metallic protrusions. Thank God, it was a house and not a jungle of telescopes!
“Well, breakfast is served and I am looking at our ambassador. Yes, I am looking at Jalil Abbas Jilani. What is this? Some cereal, some eggs, and some odd things. Is this breakfast, I wanted to ask Jilani Sahib.
“I can understand that Americans have difficulty between knowing who is Pakistani and who is Indian, and because of all the beef troubles in India, they would not be serving nihari, but still! There is halwa puri, cholay, lassi.
“Oh, here is Sartaj Aziz Sahib. Sartaj Sahib, tomorrow you must invite the American ambassador for proper Pakistani breakfast, so that the next time I visit Washington, they know what breakfast means.
“If I only knew what Biden meant by breakfast, I would have asked him to invite Kalsoom too. She could have taken some nihari, halwa puri and cholay in her bag.
“Yes, I talked to Biden, despite being on a quarter filled stomach. You know that Raheel Sharif is going to Washington next month. And you know that Biden met with Asif Zardari last year in June. And surely they have exchanged cell phone numbers. More than often, I think fast. Considering all this accountability noise created by the Rangers, I was afraid that Biden might be thinking that Raheel Sharif is my brother or cousin. Again, I must say this is a problem created by Imran Khan. He is always shouting about khandani sisasat, I mean family politics. So I was thinking that Zardari Sahib may have told Biden about the accountability and that because of this problem created by Raheel Sharif, he had to escape to Dubai.
“So I very clearly told Biden that Raheel Sharif is not related to me, and in fact, he is not Sharif, noble, at all. Otherwise, who else would go after accountability of our nation’s greatest asset, the leaders of my Muslim League and Peoples Party!”
Finally, a journalist is able to call out a question.
“Yes, my visit was successful. Actually, this time, I had memorized all my notes. Did anyone notice that I was not searching for notes in my pocket?
A journalist interjects, “Your Excellency, in the photo, you are seen holding a folded paper in your right hand. And Shirin Mazari has been tweeting about the “parchi” for hours.”
“Do you have to believe everything that this Shirin Mazari has to say. It was not paper. I am not dumb. I have been elected Prime Minister three times. I instructed Jilani Sahib to get my notes printed on a napkin, what they call Kleenex in America.
“Now President Obama knew that he will be giving me eight F-16s, so he is thinking that I am keeping this Kleenex ready in my hand because I may get emotional after he announces the gift. Hee hee hee. All the time Obama is thinking that I have a Kleenex ready in my hand! After all, Pakistan is a nuclear power, and I made it a nuclear power. I know how to do things smartly.
“I told President Obama that despite of so many family members taking ride with me, I have only come in one airplane. Indeed, he was very understanding. He said that Kulsoom and I should have been in our own plane. He told me that while he could not give me private planes but he gave me eight F-16s.
“What more success you want? I go in one airplane and come back with eight more!
“I told him that our beloved Saudi Arabia is having some financial problems so I can’t ask them for money to pay for these planes. President Obama told me don’t worry at all because he will ask American banks to loan us the money.
“I told him that Imran Khan would start shouting that every Pakistani already owes a debt of more than Rs 101,000. Now you know that President Obama is a very smart man. He tapped his iWatch and told me that I should let Imran know that it is only $10,000 per person. Just $10,000! He told me that some former basketball player Lamar Odom reportedly spent $75,000 to stay at Love Ranch in Las Vegas for just four days. He said that this was more than seven times than what is owed by every Pakistani.
“When I heard this, I told him that this is very useful information, and I will tell Pervaiz Sahib to repeat it in every TV show that he goes to and in every meeting he has with the media. What a waster is this Imran Khan! Crying over $10,000, when a basketball player in America can spend more than seven times in four days!
Another journalist is able to call a question about nuclear security.
“Yes, I told President Obama that Raheel Sharif is visiting him next month and he can tell him about every type of security.
“When President Obama was talking about security, I said, ‘Excuse me’ and asked him that in America, people get their social security at age 65. I became 65 on December 25, but I am still not getting my social security.
“President Obama told me that he will discuss it with Gen. Raheel Sharif.
“OK now thank you. I have to go home and sleep.”