Account Accumulation and not Accountability

It is another bright day in Dubai but Asif Ali Zardari, co-chairman, Pakistan People’s Party (PPP), seems a trifle indisposed.

Something is gnawing at his heart. He wanted to summon the PPP core committee to Dubai. Or, should he arrange a teleconference? He knew that it was nothing to bother about but it still pulled at his innards.

He opted to talk to himself.

“Accountability, Accountability, Accountability. I am just sick and tired of this foolishness.

“And even after Imran, who can’t digest his food without uttering the ugly word several times a day, while addressing a PTI rally as part of the election campaign in district Okara, days ahead of the by-election in NA-144 on October 11, said that I am better than Nawaz in governance and controlling corruption in the country.

“Yes, even after that I have to hear this accountability!

“How can you demand accountability of a person who found a will making him co-owner, I mean co-chair of Pakistan, I mean co-chair of the party? This is utterly senseless!

“First the Rangers arrest Dr. Asim Hussain! The man I trained from medical doctor to serve as petroleum minister! They are keeping him locked up. He is an absolute honest man. He never overlooked depositing my share of his take. Never did he deceive me. And the poor man is locked up.

“Now they are hounding Pir Mazharul Haq for causing a loss of up to Rs 6 billion to the national exchequer by appointing 13,000 teachers in the Sindh Education Department. Do really there have to be schools for appointing teachers? Even in this Internet age, Pir Sahib appointed them on paper! And he never missed giving my share in the income he generated. Such loyalty! And now he is being targeted.

“I mean what is this accountability nonsense. Our Shaheed Bibi Benazir appointed me to her cabinet in both of her governments. The first time, I was federal Investment Minister. The message was clear! Who else other than her loving husband was qualified to route investments in Pakistan? Instead of wasting time and effort on middle manning, it was just my wife and I. I would initial just ‘Asif’ and pronto the applicant would have their way. Wasn’t it in the nation’s interest? Weren’t we speeding up development?

“In her second reign, I mean government, Shaheed Bibi asked me to become Chairperson of the Pakistan Environmental Protection Council. Just imagine her love for environment! She dedicated her own loving husband for this vital task. Again when I would initial just “Asif”, our Shaheed Bibi would giver her assent for setting up that industry.

“Not only we helped development in Pakistan, but we also provided employment in all those off-shore banks!

“How many times do I need to remind that never forget that history will keep the account of what is going on today and the dangerous consequences of all this accountability.

“I mean Shaheed Bibi signed the Charter of Democracy with Mian Nawaz Sharif in London, not just some unknown place. After our Bibi left, I kept my part of the promise, and upon completion of my five year tenure, I handed over the reign, I mean the rein of the people to Mian Sahib. I am sure that he has not forgotten that we will take turns, after me, it is Mian Sahib, then Bilawal, and then Hamza.

“I know that Mian Sahib is an honorable man, but this troublemaker Raheel Sharif! He is trouble only. He sets the Rangers on the accountability track. I mean soldiers are meant to fight and not do accountancy!

“It is not stopping with me, Dr. Asim Hussain, or Pir Mazharul Haq. These accountability maniacs are troubling Arbab Alamgir, his wife Asma Arbab, senior advisor Dost Muhammad Rahmo, MPA Abdul Sattar Rajpar and members of Sindh Public Service Commission. And the list keeps growing.

“They are all honorable people. They never held back my share.

“Really, Dr. Asim. I mean these Rangers lack etiquette. They did not have the decency of getting permission from our Sain Qaim Ali Shah! I am not losing my marbles, but our beloved Sain Sahib, is the Chief Minister of Sind. Where is that much trumpeted ‘military discipline’? Even, if not military, simple human decency. Sain Sahib is more than 72 years old. Our culture always had respect for senior folks. And these uncouth Rangers arrest Dr. Asim without Sain Sahib’s permission.

“If anything, it is really disgusting. For five years, yes, for five years, we had kept joint secretary Ehtesab Cell, Hassan Waseem Afzal carefully under wraps. He was untraceable. And here ends the government of the Pakistan People’s Party, and they fish out Waseem Afzal to get at me.

“Really, Mian Sahib has been unwise at choosing the Chief of Army Staff again. The first time, he found Pervez Musharraf and what he did to him. And now this Raheel Sharif! I mean Raheel Sharif! Raheel Sharif. This is why I had to race to airport and quickly land in Dubai. Why couldn’t Mian Sahib appoint Maryam’s husband, Capt. Safdar? A military man is a military man, general or captain! If they wanted more, Safdar could have obtained a degree from my alma mater, the London School of Education.

“And now where on earth have they learnt this ‘accumulation of assets beyond known sources of income’? This is a joke! What are assets for? Accumulation and what else?

“They are digging up dead bodies. Talking about ARY and Ursus. So no one needs gold? If ARY wanted to import gold, Shaheed Bibi and I said that they can. If Ursus tractors had to be imported, we said yes. What is the big deal? They did not cheat us. Our share was sent directly to our bank accounts. And still this accountability drum beating.

“May God bless our Shaheed Bibi, but she should have made a better deal with Mian Sahib. First, we would have ruled for our lifetimes, then Mian Sahib would have taken his turn …

You know what happened, the moment, I relinquished the president’s office, the Accountability Bureau revived references against me and wanted to place the evidence before the court.

“And this trouble, Imran Khan. Now, I think that it is Imran behind this conspiracy that someone is asking why Uncle Malik Riaz gifted the Rs. 500 crore Bilawal House in Lahore to Bilawal. I mean Imran has spent too much time under the sun! Who else than Bilawal would get Bilawal House? It is natural? Malik Riaz is not the uncle of Suleman Khan and Isa Khan. And they don’t have Bilawal anywhere in their names. Even if they tried, they couldn’t become Suleman or Isa Bilawal Khan. So it is only my Bilawal who can get Bilawal House from his uncle. I mean, can’t this Imran think better? Doesn’t he give birthday gifts to his sisters’ children? What if my Bilawal got a gift from his uncle!

“This is enough! I am instructing Aitzaz to move a bill in the Senate to outlaw the use of the word accountability, or its Urdu version Ehtisab.”

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