Keep the Scum Out

Keep the Scum Out

The yoga session over, and Narendra Damodardas Modi, the 15th Prime Minister of India, walks into his office. A secretary follows carrying a glass of the leader’s preferred drink, panchgavya — a drink made of five cow products: milk, ghee (boiled butter), curd, urine and dung.

Present in the meeting are the union Finance Minister Arun Jaitley, and the Cabinet Secretary Pradeep Kumar Sinha.

The Prime Minister opens the meeting citing his concern over the tedious process of selecting civil servants.

“Shri Pradeep, I am told that this year, we tested 900,000 applicants to select IAS (Indian Administrative Service) and people to run other services. I feel that conducting such huge tests is a huge strain on our national finances.

“This is why I have invited Shri Arun Jaitely to today’s meeting. And of course, why do we need to test the undesirables in any case? Yes, I know only a very few Muslims dare to apply but why test them because who needs them? Does India needs civil servants who can’t enjoy a hearty glass of panchgavya? On top of that, we have to deploy our intelligence resources to ensure that these Pakistanis are not subverting India’s interests.

“I really admire the forthright declaration by the American presidential candidate, Dr. Carson who put Muslims in their place. Indeed, if he gets his elected to office, I will personally present him with Bharat Ratna. Yes, he deserves it. If Obama can walk into office with a Nobel Prize, why can’t Dr. Carson enter the White House with India’s highest civil award around his neck?

“I am really impressed with Dr. Carson’s clarity in declaring to Fox News talk-show host Sean Hannity, ‘If someone has a Muslim background and they’re willing to reject those tenets and to accept the way of life that we have and clearly will swear to place our Constitution above their religion, then, of course. They will be considered infidels and heretics, but at least I would then be quite willing to support them.”

“And Dr. Carson is neurosurgeon and understands the mind! Just see how clear of mind, he is when he said, ‘I don’t care what religion or faith someone belongs to if they’re willing to subjugate that to the American way and to our Constitution, then I have no problem with it.’ Now just substitute ‘the American way’ with ‘the Indian way.’ Yes, we are a Hindu nation!

“I find that the civil services examination candidate has a success rate of 0.1%-0. 3%. Fine. But even then, why risk, anyone occupying the place of a Hindu, the rightful owner of the position?

“I really admire the steps taken by our BJP’s government in Madhya Pradesh last year and again this year. Our brave heroes, MLA Usha Thakur and Rameshwar Sharma made is crystal clear that Muslims will have to taste panchgavya and sing Vande Mataram if they want to enter the Garba festival.

“This year too, they imposed a test on Muslims, affix a tilak and be sprinkled with Guamutra – the holy urine of our Sacred Mother!

Modi takes a sip from his drink and adds, “These skunks don’t know what they are missing!”

“Therefore, Shri Pradeep, you should add this clause to the application that every applicant would have to adhere to our, the Indian way, in that they at the time of submitting their application they will have to wear a tilak, take at least a sip of Gaumutra, and sing Vande Mataram.

“India is for Indians. Jai Hind.”

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