At age forty-nine, six months and nineteen days, Afar ‘Af’ Farland, a football crazy, has finally resolved that there would be no more Super Bowls with canned guac – the only name known to him for guacamole – but the fresh thing made by him while watching the pre-game shows leading to this year’s Super Bowl LIV — the 54th Super Bowl.
Af had ended up with the Afar name when Dad and Mom Farland gave on finding a name that would rhyme with the ‘Far’ in their family name.
Af’s resolve out-matched the resolve that Hannibal conveyed when he approached the Roman capital. It would not be a namby-pamby organic this and that but full-bodied all-American guac. With such plans he was approaching the Big Chief Attila’s Grocery Arena.
And who, would ge meet at Attila’s! None other than Kardson ‘Kard’ Butgourd, another football fanatic, indeed, one who had nearly made to his school’s 9th grade team. As fate would have it, Kard too had resolved similarly about his Super Bowl guac.
Kard too had ended up being oddly named when Dad and Mom Butgourd could not find help to spell Carson, as in their favorite TV presenter, Johnny Carson.
“Af,” Kard roared, “No more guac for me from some box or bottle! These PC or whatever they call themselves … getting gas on my way, I see our Nawtington News-Herald-Courier reporting some Wall Street Journal thing saying Super Bowl means “Avocado Hand” … Af, is this avocado thing Iranian… surely that kind of folks may be trying to spoil the holiest of our holidays…”
“Kard… the holiest of our Sundays!”
“Kard, I checked it with the professor who came to get his car tune up at my shop. The Blessed Son and Holy Ghost, avocado is not Iranian. He told me that avocado trees were first planted in Florida in 1833 and then in California in 1856. He said something … whatsoever has calculated that California now accounts for the majority of U.S. avocado production, followed by Florida and Hawaii… But this professor also told me that the Department of Labor says that nearly half of the farm workers in the United States are undocumented.”
“Amen. Af… All-American… But really can’t say all Amen then!”
“Kard, I have heard that avocado harvesting is tough work. Every avocado has to be clipped from the tree by hand, and only these undocumented can work such tough jobs.”
“But Af, are we sure that the undocs… these illegals… aren’t making these avocados murderous … cutting up American hands… if it was not the Holy Sunday and that guac wasn’t required, I would be boycotting them things.”
“Kard, I would also blame guys like Bill Gates… never trust them… you heard… his daughter gets engaged to an Egyptian… imagine … an Ayraab! If Gates would stop putting his money in those Indian potties or whatever they call them up there, he could have helped develop self-cutting skin-free avocados and saved millions of Americans from injury…”
“Af, you are spot on. We are Americans! No one can tramp on the Red, White and Blue … Right after we get them those avocados, we are going to Hoots Hardware to get those gloves… I have been checking them for the grilling season … I hear that HyFlex CR2 Dyneema are top cut protection gloves with high levels of cut resistance.”
“Kards, you are the top. You know it’s not the knife holder’s fault. It’s not the knife’s fault. I was about to say ban avocados!
“Kards, you have beaten those undoc harvested avocados. No Avocado Hands for us. No one can take our Holy Sunday guac!”