An America Without Guns, Hooch and Ham

Bob Stoopthigh, founder of of GunSMART, where he stocks guns, beer and snacks, has been closed for now, which has also means missing his routine evenings at the Boars Bar & Games.

Since the passage and signing of the $349 billion government relief program for small businesses, Bob is feeling at little at ease. But just like, President Trump said that he has missed his face since the Center for Disease Control advised against touching ones faces, Bob too misses caressing his guns.

If one fancies their face, especially their noses, they should be wiping off their list, socialization with Bob till he is able to reestablish and his enjoy his camaraderie with weaponry.

Missy Stoopthigh, credentials of being his high school flame notwithstanding, retreats to the attic, when Bob starts missing his fellowship with guns. He had enjoyed his share of a robust March, when Americans purchased more than 2 million guns. But the ‘stay-at-home’ order had obliterated any prospects for forthcoming higher sales.

Bob, absolutely concurred with S. K. ‘Slugs’ Hawhee, the county KKK Grand Giant, that COVID19 was part of the communist conspiracy to undermine the Second Amendment that protects the individual right to keep and bear arms. As he explained, “Them commies can only overrun an America without guns.”

He would join Slugs in chanting ‘Amen’ that Sen. Bernie Sanders, who has long articulated a strong federal role to play, including the ban of assault weapons and the mandate of background checks and the banning of straw man purchases, had failed to win the Democratic presidential nomination.

Since October 9, 1986, when Fox TV birthed, his TV has been programmed to go nowhere except his channel of choice. But even Fox could not escape his ire, when after flashing its “We’ve got news for you” slogan, Bill Hemmer, one of Fox’s top breaking news anchors, read the report that the Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau was waiving provisions of internal revenue law to authorize production of ethanol-based hand sanitizers by permitted distillers to address the demand for such products during this emergency.

Agoraphobia – the anxiety disorder that often develops after one or more panic attacks – really flared up for Bob when Bill added that several of the world’s biggest distillers were racing to make hand sanitizers.

Bob could only concur with Slugs that diverting alcoholic beverages producers toward hand sanitizers was a Muslim conspiracy to undermine the 21st Amendment. However, Slugs also believed that marijuana producers had joined hands with Muslims in executing this dastardly conspiracy. They feared that it would also be the end of Boars Bar & Games, not to mention their evenings there.

Bob hurled himself at Hemmer’s face, but the wall, which bore the blow, dented appreciably.

It had been a week that he had been nursing his hurt fist, that Hemmer read the news that Smithfield, one of the country’s largest pork processing facilities was closing until further notice as employees fall ill with COVID-19.

Once again Bob could only concur with Slugs that Smithfield’s closure was a Muslim conspiracy to ban pork, especially when ham is “Christian” meat, and there is no Easter Sunday without ham. Period.

Scientists may have found otherwise but Bob believed that bad things “come in threes.” His list was complete: he foresaw the horror of an America without guns, hooch and ham.

This time Bob was successful in getting his fit through Hemmer’s face – a few cuts, but that was worth it.

The Shattered Lotas to Riches Dream

Penny Poundvich is a girl, who when she imagines an opportunity to make a fast buck, has her adrenaline level shooting up faster than the adrenaline levels of a foxhound on the hunt.

One would imagine that the intrepid Penny was bred like these scent hounds.

Now and then, one reads a news item or a 15 second flash on television screens that a multimillion-dollar antique bowl found in an attic was bought by a grandmother at a garage sale for $3; or a son rummaging his father’s golf bag finds a Bobby Jones autographed ball, like one which fetched $55,865. But those pottering around in Penny’s attic would be showered with tons of stillborn business plans.

Penny, who has never given up her chase for the elusive fast buck, is also a consistent girl. In all her endeavors, she has never failed to consult Sherry Shrewdstein, a dogged chaser of her dream to become a consultant in the mold of McKinsey & Company, the American management consulting firm whose feathers-in-the-cap include mapping the power grab for MBS [Mohammad Bin Salman].

Sherry, however, boasts a well-regarded pro bono portfolio topped of course by Penny.

It was but natural that Penny would race to Sherry’s apartment straight from her grocery shopping trip, social distancing notwithstanding. A nanosecond after being ushered in, Penny quickly uncorked the bottle of champagne, bubbling forth about the lucky break that could lead her to owning an island like Richard Branson, Jeff Bezos, and the sort.

The champagne bottle having been duly ensconced in the recycling bin, Penny unfolded the details about her billion-dollar product.

“Sherry, would you believe it, that in this time of doom and gloom, I hit a real cracker of a jackpot. This is why I rushed to you straight from Jerryz Supermarket & Gun Depot. I was third in line at the checkout, the woman checking out had like one dozen cases of toilet paper, towering higher than her 5’11”. But in front of me was a brown couple… I guess some Ayrab folks … they were talking in their Ayrab language but my fairy luck would never let me down… the woman whispered … I mean, she thought, it was a whisper, but I could hear her even at six feet apart, in English, ‘Thank God, we don’t use paper.’ Then she giggles, and says ‘we have the lout …’ I murmured to myself, Oh God, they employ a lout for the job… must be some lout!

“But Sherry, you know me, I go all the way when I see an opportunity. And my fairy luck again, the woman looked back, glancing at me, and I flashed the sweetest smile and asked her, ‘Ma’am, like you, I too found no rolls, but where do you find louts to employ for the job?’

“Oh Sherry, I could see the sweet girl suppressing a laugh, but she spelled it out for me on her iPhone and even quickly showed me its photo. She said that it is ‘lota’ which these Ayrabs use after doing their thing. Corona or whatever, I thanked and hugged her.

“Sherry I will back in a couple hours with by business plan for ‘Penny’s Lota – the Real Toilet Roll Killer’… Imagine… I’ll catch the next flight … I mean with these flight restrictions, I will go on Zoom with Beijing Ou Yuan Sheng Fa Plastic Products Co., Ltd., and ask them to make me a couple of million of the Lota in season-themed colors, sized for the great American butt…”

An equally excited Sherry interjects, “Penny… darling, you got a winner. You know you are introducing a product unknown to the Americans… in fact to the British and the forty-four countries of Europe, so you can offer them tutorials on how to use this epoch-making bathroom equipment…”

“Oh my love … Sherry you are right… I will include the Lota designed for European butts and seminars and tutorials in forty-four languages…”

“Penny, you know, like Kirby vacuum sales folks go door to door giving demos … you could like send door to door sales folks to train people to use the Lota …”

“And yeah, Sherry, the customer satisfaction testimonials too… but first I have recruit the sales folks with announcements like ‘If you actually find your self blessed and humbled enough to take a position selling 2K Penny’s Lota – the Real Toilet Roll Killer, door to door to complete strangers call 1-800-PENNY-LOTA now…

“I could go for testimonials from famous butts like Kim Kardashian … ”

“Penny, you rolling… I would say like having Jennifer Lopez for the older market … but… this thing just flashed in my head… did you get that lovely Ayrab woman’s contacts … I mean who will train us how to use Penny’s Lota – the Real Toilet Roll Killer!…”

Penny bursts into uncountable sobbing … “SHUCKS SHUCKS SHUCKS … O, Penny, you blew up the Lotas to Riches dream.”

Safe by More than a Hairbreadth

Coronavirus, may have locked up communities and cities, and sent the partying crowd into emotional meltdowns, but it has also made some people render gratitude to their foresighted parents.

Fizzy, originally Faizan Khatoon, wife of the cosmetic surgeon Dr. Kim – originally Qaiser – Nanwala, has been stuck at home since the coronavirus outbreak has gotten all her parties cancelled.

Fizzy is not alone.

Dr. Nanwala, the man behind many enticing smiles and alluringly reshaped proboscis, is none too hopeful that the 99th Annual Meeting is organized by American Association of Plastic Surgeons, would be held as scheduled May 2 to 5 in Chicago. He had successfully lobbied to get Bollywood’s Nora Fatehi invited who is known for the dazzling dance on ‘O Saki Saki’ from the movie Batla House.

Yes, Kim may also be apprehensive over not sharing photos of his latest conquests of smiles tailored to match the photos of Hollywood and Bollywood divas that his clients challenge him with.

Equally frizzled is Fizzy’s best friend, Ginny, originally Ghairat Bibi of Uggu Chak of district Gujranwala. She being the wife of Dr. Tee – originally Taj Din – Deen, the re-shaper of many a cheek that formerly the best of rouge or blushers could not help. In short, where Lancôme and Estee Lauder failed, Tee came to the rescue.

The cellphone rings and Ginny and Fizzy get into the eleventh session of their chats since morning.

“Ginny, this corona is so awful…” toned Fizzy.

“Fizzy, you are just calling it awful … yes, Fizzy, see this commercial for Corona beer has come up… I can’t imagine how these people are allowed to sell … in fact, even how to advertise the Corona beer. Must some beer promotion company that got this virus named such so people take it lightly!

“Yes, we don’t drink this thing. But I am worried about Tee’s friend, Jim, because he has tubs of this thing when he hosts his barbecues! Jim is such fun… he always teases Tee, calling him ‘Coffee’.

“Fizzy, like so many people are posting long articles on this corona on their Facebook and Twitter…”

Fizzy quickly adds, “Ginny, I am really worried about Rinny [originally Rahima Begum, wife of Mike Shake – originally Maqsud Sheikh, the man behind many a cultural evenings fronted by Bollywood idols] … yes, poor Rinny. It was only in January that Mike invited us to her 60th birthday celebration at the Bombay Heaven.

“Poor girl. Ginny, you are reading all these Facebook things that corona can infect anyone, but it’s older adults — ages 60 and up — who are more likely to get seriously sick from it. I feel like crying for her. Poor Rinny doesn’t look like thirty…”

“Yes, yes, yes… Ginny… our Rinny is the real fizz of the parties…”

“Fizzy, don’t ever mention the parties till this corona is there. How many parties it has killed by now. Imagine all the spring colors coordinated clothes I had ordered from Chinyere and Satrangi only arrived three days before this corona news broke out … imagine, we wouldn’t be wearing spring colors in fall… this reminds me that I am calling them today for my fall wardrobe… And who would wear pink diamond sets in fall…”

“Ginny, let us hope that this corona runs away much before fall…”

“Fizzy… we were talking about Rinny turning sixty in January … thank God, may He bless my parents. They had such foresight that when they took me for school admission, they backdated my birthday by five years…”

“Ginny… mine too. May God bless them. Yes, we are safe by more than a hairbreadth.”

No One Can Take Our Holy Sunday Guac!

At age forty-nine, six months and nineteen days, Afar ‘Af’ Farland, a football crazy, has finally resolved that there would be no more Super Bowls with canned guac – the only name known to him for guacamole – but the fresh thing made by him while watching the pre-game shows leading to this year’s Super Bowl LIV — the 54th Super Bowl.

Af had ended up with the Afar name when Dad and Mom Farland gave on finding a name that would rhyme with the ‘Far’ in their family name.

Af’s resolve out-matched the resolve that Hannibal conveyed when he approached the Roman capital. It would not be a namby-pamby organic this and that but full-bodied all-American guac. With such plans he was approaching the Big Chief Attila’s Grocery Arena.

And who, would ge meet at Attila’s! None other than Kardson ‘Kard’ Butgourd, another football fanatic, indeed, one who had nearly made to his school’s 9th grade team. As fate would have it, Kard too had resolved similarly about his Super Bowl guac.

Kard too had ended up being oddly named when Dad and Mom Butgourd could not find help to spell Carson, as in their favorite  TV presenter, Johnny Carson.

“Af,” Kard roared, “No more guac for me from some box or bottle! These PC or whatever they call themselves … getting gas on my way, I see our Nawtington News-Herald-Courier reporting some Wall Street Journal thing saying Super Bowl means “Avocado Hand” … Af, is this avocado thing Iranian… surely that kind of folks may be trying to spoil the holiest of our holidays…”

“Kard… the holiest of our Sundays!”

“Amen.”

“Kard, I checked it with the professor who came to get his car tune up at my shop. The Blessed Son and Holy Ghost, avocado is not Iranian. He told me that avocado trees were first planted in Florida in 1833 and then in California in 1856. He said something … whatsoever has calculated that California now accounts for the majority of U.S. avocado production, followed by Florida and Hawaii… But this professor also told me that the Department of Labor says that nearly half of the farm workers in the United States are undocumented.”

“Amen. Af… All-American… But really can’t say all Amen then!”

“Kard, I have heard that avocado harvesting is tough work. Every avocado has to be clipped from the tree by hand, and only these undocumented can work such tough jobs.”

“But Af, are we sure that the undocs… these illegals… aren’t making these avocados murderous … cutting up American hands… if it was not the Holy Sunday and that guac wasn’t required, I would be boycotting them things.”

“Kard, I would also blame guys like Bill Gates… never trust them… you heard… his daughter gets engaged to an Egyptian… imagine … an Ayraab! If Gates would stop putting his money in those Indian potties or whatever they call them up there, he could have helped develop self-cutting skin-free avocados and saved millions of Americans from injury…”

“Af, you are spot on. We are Americans! No one can tramp on the Red, White and Blue … Right after we get them those avocados, we are going to Hoots Hardware to get those gloves… I have been checking them for the grilling season … I hear that HyFlex CR2 Dyneema are top cut protection gloves with high levels of cut resistance.”

“Kards, you are the top. You know it’s not the knife holder’s fault. It’s not the knife’s fault. I was about to say ban avocados!

“Kards, you have beaten those undoc harvested avocados. No Avocado Hands for us. No one can take our Holy Sunday guac!”

Aww Shucks, So Many Heathens Were Waiting

The news that Pope Francis has said that Christians should not try to convince non-Christians to change their religion and that anyone who tries to proselytize an unbeliever is not a disciple of Jesus, has deeply convulsed Veronica Benedict-Dominic, chairperson of Catholic Reach Out Worldwide (CROW).

She downs a Prozac with a glass of Dom Perignon – the later expensed to CROW, and reaches out to Michael-Francis Kater, her organization’s legal counsel.

“Michael-Francis, did you hear what the Pope has done! He has simply wrecked CROW… you know the ‘w’ in CROW is for ‘worldwide’! Now who is going to donate when they know that Catholics can’t take the Word to the billions of heathens?

“Michael-Francis, do you know what it means to us… to you… to all Catholics who lived on reaching out to the heathens.

“What will happen to my travels … to my Fashion Weeks? Every February and September, I was in the Big 4 fashion capitals of New York, London, Milan, and Paris… heathens, I means… all those designers…

“Michael-Francis, I was expensing the fashion week wear because you can’t reach out to any heathen wearing sackcloth.

“O Papa … he said, proselytism is not done, the church does not grow by proselytism.

“Michael-Francis, so how do we grow the church? Make babies nonstop, I guess!

“The Pope says that evangelicals and Pentecostals who try to win others to their faith are not disciples of Jesus. Wait but didn’t he declare Protestants are Christians!

“Michael-Francis, I am devastated… this is the third Prozac, I have taken since this thing popped up on my phone. It is unfair to the heathens who abound at the fashion weeks that they won’t be invited to the fold of Christ. O God, who will expense my trips to the fashion weeks!!!

“Yes, yes, yes… we don’t have any serious argument as to why anyone should join us, but that’s the sweet part. With billions of heathens there for picking, CROW was netting in big dollars because we needed bigger budgets to go for them. Our donors believe that we keep trying. Yes, yes, yes, if all the heathens would have joined us, then who would be giving us to bring them to the church!

“I want my good old Pope back… the old guy [Benedict XVI] should be pulled out of retirement.”

Finally, Kater gets a chance to talk, as Benedict-Dominic takes a breather to empty the Dom Perignon into her glass, “Veronica, yes this is terrible news. I will lose all your business. Not just your business, but much more too.

“Did you hear that Francis is considering a proposal to routinely ordain married men as Roman Catholic priests? That’s bad for business… bad for lawyers… all these celibate priests were doing their things that people were lining up at law offices to file sexual-abuse lawsuits. We were filing all those cases on share the proceeds basis. Veronica, this Pope is killing my future business too.

“You are right, we need old Benedict back in charge. He is publicly defending the Catholic Church’s traditional rule of priestly celibacy. Veronica, it is the Benedict rule that will keep our abuse business throbbing.”

Her fourth Prozac tablet floated in with a big gulf of Dom Perignon, Benedict-Dominic sighs, “Let us unite and send a rejoinder to the Pope that let us proselytize… we have to be there… at fashion weeks. We should not be away when we know that so many heathens were waiting.”

Only the Obsequious Shall Thrive

Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP) chairman Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari has refused to appear before the Nat­ional Accountability Bureau (NAB) in the fake bank accounts and money laundering case.

Bilawal has a 25 percent shares in a private firm, Opal-225, which is a joint venture of the Zardari Group, charged with transferring billions of rupees via fake bank accounts. The company also took loans of billions of rupees from banks. Consequently, the Pakistan Supreme Court directed NAB to file 16 references against the accused in the Accountability Court of Rawalpindi/Islamabad, not in Karachi.

The case involves 172 people, including Bilawal, his father and party co-chair Asif Ali Zardari, his aunt Faryal Talpur, former chief minister of Sindh Qaim Ali Shah, Bahria Town founder Malik Riaz and others.

The scene at Islamabad’s opulent Zardari House has party grandees seated on the floor at their obsequious best, heads bowed, facing the Zardari family seated on sofas. Prominent among them, Sen. Sherry Rehman, Sindh Chief Minister Murad Ali Shah, the party’s Punjab president Qamar Zaman Kaira, Bilawal’s spokesman Senator Mustafa Nawaz Khokhar, party secretary general Farhatullah Babar, and information secretary Dr. Nafisa Shah.

Babar quickly initiates the conversation, “O, our most respected masters, the children of the queen of martyrs, Her Serene Highness Benazir Bhutto and grandchildren of our most beloved crown of martyrs, Zulfikar Ali Bhutto, it is indeed an insult to the entire humankind that our beloved leader, the person entitled to be our master, Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari, the great statesman has been summoned by NAB.

“This is an ugly stain on the memory of our sublime masters. Indeed, it is wisdom… indeed the bravery of our brightest star of leadership, Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari, that we are holding this meeting in Liaqat Bagh (in Rawalpindi) on Dec. 27 where our sublime martyr, Benazir Bhutto sacrificed her life so that the honorable house of Bhutto may reign over Pakistan forever.

“We cannot and we shall not allow anyone to question our beloved family which has been exclusively gifted to us to rule over the country. Our lives be sacrificed for their glory.”

Sherry Rehman speedily offers, “It was the foresightedness of our sublime martyr, Zulfikar Ali Bhutto that he sagaciously stood with Gen. Iskander Mirza and when the moment called, he stood with Field Marshal Ayub Khan in order to reach the pinnacle and become the voice for voiceless.

“Today, just as we hold our faith in Ahle-Bayt – the family of the Prophet (PBUH), the noble family Bhutto is a mirror of that wise leadership. Let us all repeat in unison what our most honorable Fahatullah Babar has said that we cannot and we shall not allow anyone to question our beloved family which has been exclusively gifted to us to rule over the country. Our lives be sacrificed for their glory.”

Not to be seen lagging, Kaira jumps to feet, waves his hands and declares, “Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari is the only leader who can provide that leadership to the country.

“We have the golden words of the now retired Chief Justice of Pakistan Mian Saqib Nisar who had created the JIT [joint investigation team]. He had questioned ‘on whose dictation was Bilawal implicated in this scam? You added his names for just political scoring. Delete the names of Bilawal.’

“The chief justice has sagaciously observed that our beloved master, Bilawal Bhutto-Zardari is sinless. His name was removed from the travel ban list on the directives of the Supreme Court.

“It is our time… it is the time of our master. No one has the courage to challenge Imran Niazi and his anti-corruption drive…”

Babar interjects, “Amen to our superior courts for obstructing Imran Niazi from subverting the due we deserve for public service…”

Kaira continues, “… Shehbaz Sharif [leader of the opposition in the National Assembly] is stuck London and can’t fulfill his responsibilities … our illustrious sister Maryam Nawaz is silent because she is missing her father… she has to keep quite to get permission to fly to London…”

As photos of Zulfikar Bhutto and Benazir Bhutto are projected on the wall, the occupants of the floor stand, heads bowed and render their curtsies. At this moment, Bilawal speaks, “O my trusted and obedient people, I am most impressed by your loyalty to our sublime martyrs … Zulfikar Ali Bhutto is alive … Benazir Bhutto is alive… We will honor their majesties by ensuring that our great and wise leader, Asif Ali Zardari does not have to answer to anyone… we will defeat Imran Niazi’s anti-corruption scheme… Pakistan will only be happy when we prosper… the Zardari family, the rightful scion of our sublime martyrs prosper.

“Let us all raise our drinks to our prosperity.

“O my trusted and obedient people, continue your good work, and never forget our party’s guidance that only the obsequious shall thrive.”

We will have them Drinking Bud Before they Can Spell Fifteen!

Alarm bells were on at Anheuser-Busch’s headquarters in St. Louis, the city where it got its start more than a century ago.

President and CEO, North America at Anheuser-Busch InBev Michel Doukeris has summoned a high level marketing summit.

Besides its in-house creative agency Draftline, the company’s parent’s InBev, the world’s largest brewer, got its forty advertising agencies on the alert to deal with the 39-year old Australian actress Rebel Wilson’s shock confession about her drinking habits during an appearance on “The Late Late Show with James Corden.” She revealed that she never been drunk in her entire life and had her first sip of alcohol at 25 years old because, according to her, ‘in science class, they said if you drink alcohol, it kills your brain cells’.

The brewing industry could not bear this even for countries where the drinking age was 21 years. The bottom line was that Wilson’s example could lead to four years of lost sales to so many.

In attendance are Joao Chueiri, AB InBev’s Senior Vice President Marketing and three leading beverages marketing consultants Spike Hugginbotumz, Lotte Springthorn and Hoots K. Bustler.

A dour looking Doukeris opens the meeting, offering, “Guys, this Wilson thing is just not good but downright threatening. You know her scene-stealing role as Fat Amy in ‘Pitch Perfect’ earned her the Teen Choice Award for comedy actress in 2013. Imagine the damage, it can inflict on our future… I mean even our current customers…”

Chueiri quickly interrupts, “And especially those who don’t want to wait till they are twenty-one to enjoy our products! Television needs to see what they are showing… they need to have customer care in mind. I mean last year, 2018, we spent more than one and a half billion [dollars] on our American advertising. We are an American icon. We shouldn’t be getting this!”

Doukeris, giving thumbs up to Cheeiri, and offers, “Yes… yes… absolutely we can’t miss out the restless ones.”

Springthorn adds, “This Wilson girl has 6.8 million Instagram followers… we need to get the count of her followers who are the restless ones!”

Hoots Bustler takes a deep puff on his unlit cigar and offers, “This revelation of hers totally spoils the belief that Wilson possesses some of Amy’s eccentric personality traits.”

Doukaris puts the questions of the day, “So how do we undo the damage Wilson has done… the overall damage, especially among the restless ones. Imagine, if everyone who cares about their brain health not using our products till they are twenty-five … even this twenty-one is a cruelty.”

Bustler takes another dry puff on his cigar, and suggests, “We can get Corden to invite her again and get her to correct her statement…”

Hugginbotumz quickly shoots down this suggestion, “I don’t think that this redo will get much notice. We should get that Amy back in Wilson.

“Look her presence is there. She is playing Jennyanydots in [the musical fantasy film] ‘Cats’, so we can follow up this with Amy like role in a movie…”

Springthorn can’t hold herself back, “Great. Product placement. We can get Netflix or Disney to do a movie with a teen Wilson, and have our products all over the place. Revel Wilson will be chugging all InBev stuff from fifteen and all across the teen and post-teen years.”

Doukaris does thumbs up again, and declares, “Guys let get going on this movie and product placement thing. A script written for our entire InBev product line! We will have them drinking Bud before they can spell fifteen!”

Pakistani Treasury is Ours to Love and Spend

Nawaz Sharif, the three times former prime minister of Pakistan, and now a convict on bail receiving medical treatment in London, and former president Asif Zardari, who is also on a health-based bail, and their teams are meeting on video link to strategize over obtaining health-based bails for themselves and their party members.

Sharif’s brother, former Punjab chief minister Shehbaz Sharif, and former finance minister and his younger daughter’s father-in-law, Ishaq Dar in London, assist Nawaz. Also present are visiting former minister for planning development and reform Ahsan Iqbal, former information minister Maryam Aurangzeb and former defense minister, Khawaja Asif.

In Karachi, former ambassador Sherry Rehman, spokesperson Farhatullah Babar, former Punjab governor and counsel Khalif Latif Khosa, and senator Raza Rabbani are assisting Zardari.

Nawaz Sharif starts the conversation, “My dear brother Asif you are certainly and immensely wonderful. It is for no reason that Majid Nizami (editor of Nawai-Waqt) called you a Murd-e Hur (Fearless Man).

“Yes, you were in hospital, but did you see how Imran Khan was hinting that it will be investigated whether the sight of plane improved my health condition or the London environment…”

Zardari interjects, “Never mind what Imran says. You are the hero who got bails without signing even penny’s worth of bond…”

Nawaz continues, “No my brother Asif, you are the greater tactician. It was inspiring to see you being wheeled out of the Pakistan Institute of Medical Sciences hospital in Islamabad. [And adds while guffawing] Now let see what Imran has to say about this.

“My dear brother, it is time… I would say high time that we train all our parties’ leadership about getting free on bail.

“Absolutely, my dear brother, Asif, you will be chief instructor at our academy.

“Oh, my dear brother, what should we call our academy?”

Sherry Rehman, takes permission from her ultimate leader, Zardari, and responds, “Most respected prime minister, your proposal for starting an academy is excellent, even if crazies like Imran Khan emerge in decades and start railing against politicians making money. I would suggest calling it, Academy for Freedom from Restraints Against Corruption.”

Nawaz Sharif raises his fists and declares, “My dear brother Asif, our sister Sherry is a genius! Gems surround you. Prosperous leaders mean a prosperous Pakistan.

“I would say that let us start now! You can instruct your [former petroleum minister] Dr. Asim Hussain to let us use his Ziauddin Hospitals for the hands on sessions like looking seriously ill, like handling crutches as if one is dying and other convincing actions.

“You know that I am not coming back till Imran Khan is there. My brilliant physician Adnan Khan did a marvelous job with the platelets reports, and he is going further ahead to give authenticity to my going to America … to the Massachusetts General Hospital for treatment of blocked carotid artery. He will be sending a report to the Lahore High Court … may God bless justice Ali Baqir Najafi… yes, he even granted to bail to [daughter] Maryam… that endarterectomy or carotid angioplasty can only be done at the Massachusetts General… and Najafi, our good man, will say fine!”

Zardari adds, “Yes my dear Nawaz, I too need to go to France and America to take a look at my properties. You know even the most trusted servants need supervision.”

Nawaz adds, “Indeed, you are right. I know… I know. Even though, Hasaan and Hussain are my sons, but I come and look at our London properties…”

Dar quickly supplements, “You are right. Looking at your properties revives you.”

Zardari continues, “So it is a done deal, you can select the first batch of trainees and they can join our batch to begin the training…”

Nawaz offers, “Splendid. Thank you for agreeing to my proposal. I am thinking that after America, I will get Dr. Adnan Khan to announce an illness that can only be treated in Geneva… you know one needs to personally check the bank accounts too.”

Zardar offers, “Perfect, my dear brother. I am thinking of starting from France. Dr. Asim Hussain can prescribe my being in an ICU in my 16th century Chateaux de la Reine Blanche, which you know is in the hamlet of Mesnil-Lieubray, near the city of Rouen in Normandy, northern France.”

Nawaz quickly adds, “In fact, because Imran is pursuing cases against us, all our treatment should be at government of Pakistan’s expense. Yes… I am right…”

Zaradri joins Nawaz Sharif in chorus, “Pakistani treasury is ours to love and spend.”

a remembrance

 

the moment

shall dwell

within,

indelible

that,

jinnah sahib,

as i stood

beside

your place of rest,

tears

emanated,

not just of thankfulness,

but

also of

remorse

that

we

failed

to treasure the gift

that you

bestowed upon us.

 

unthinking,

we

gnawed

at its innards,

we rent it asunder.

 

we besmirched your canvas.

 

perhaps now

that a

genocide unfolds

in the vicinity,

we may

comprehend

your desire,

when you said

that

suffice was a

pakistan

even if it was just the size of a handkerchief,

because you sought

a perch

from where

iqbal’s eagle

could soar

to

heights of glory,

to

heights of fulfillment.

 

this scribe,

supplicates,

that

we may

awaken

and

give sheen

to the gift

that you gave us.

 

  • omer bin abdullah
  • december 15, 2019
  • herndon, virginia

Sindh will remain our Personal Treasury Forever

Upon seeing the news report that the federal law minister, Farogh Naseem has hinted on the federation’s intent to invoke Article 149 (4) to administer Karachi, former president Asif Ali Zardari has summoned his inner circle to his suite at the elite Pakistan Institute of Medical Sciences’ Cardiac Center in Islamabad, where he has sought medical cover to avoid the rigors of jail.

Present are his son, and party chairperson Bilawal Bhutto Zardari, Senator Sherry Rehman, Sindh Chief Minister Syed Murad Ali Shah, Gen. Farhatullah Babar, Nayyar Bokhari, Syed Khursheed Shah, and Manzoor Wasan.

The thermos flask brought for him, carries his favored beverage.

A nifty sip and deep puffs on his cigarette stir him to action. He trademark smile on, he offers, “This 149 thing is more than ominous. Up till now, we have been standing firm on the 18th Amendment…”

Murad Ali Shah quickly adds, “Indeed, my beloved and respected leader. The 18th is your gem. Yes, we don’t have the center but the 18th keeps the cash flowing. I am duly transferring the proceeds to your offshore vehicles.”

Zardari continues, “Yes, my dear Murad, you keep proving your loyalty to the House of Bhuttos. I know it and it lights up my heart to see the growth. May God bless you.

“But I am really put off by this news. Why did you let [federal minister for maritime affairs] Ali Zaidi’s Karachi cleanup project to proceed? You should have taken the most extreme measures to stop the cleanup. It is a conspiracy against Sindh that others than the loyal servants of our great martyrs, Zulfikar Ali Bhutto and Benazir can carry out projects in our province. It is a conspiracy aimed at snatching our powers under the 18th, the landmark Amendment that I signed as president.

“We should stand firm against anything that may hinder even the slightest cash flow to our personal treasuries.

“I had directed Bilawal to announce that our party will not be part of Maulana Fazal Rehman’s October Islamabad sit in. This was the right move as we can always show the government our good intent as seek ways out of these [National Accountability Bureau] investigations and cases.”

Gen. Babar adds, “My great and beloved leader, your every step is amazing, beyond remarkable. We are just worms that glow in your reflected glory. Your decision to stay away from Fazlur Rehman is most judicious. The absence of diesel permits and his perks are driving him to desperation. He cannot exist outside of the five-star environment…”

Zardari adds, “You mean like he is facing a fish out of water situation. You can judge his status when Imran Khan did not even take notice of his ultimatum that he resigns by August 31. And you know today’s date!”

Gen. Babar and Sherry Rehman, almost signing in unison, inform him that they are trying to find as to who would be governing the city after the enforcement of the Article.

Zardari continues, “You see that I also asked Bilawal to declare that Imran Khan’s committee for cleanness was not constitutional…

“Let me digress here. Murad just ensure that a few more houses next to our Clifton Bilawal House get acquired before Imran Khan launches his raid.”

Sherry Rehman, containing her anger, offers, “What is Imran Khan doing… I tell you he is killing the urge to enter public life… not only unconstitutional but also a violation of our fundamental rights. How can you block the avenues of our income? Who works for free!”

Zardari takes a few sips from the thermos flask and few deep puffs and declares, “It is a war. Yes, we are staying away from Fazlur Rehman’s march, but we will wage a pitched battle for our absolute right to rule Sindh and for our divine right to generate compensation for our public service.

“My dear all, we want the cash flows to continue tomorrow when Bilawal will rule… and Aseefa… and … when like you today, your children will be in their cabinets.

“Sindh will remain our personal treasury forever!”